Writers Block?

Edit: This does not contain M rated content. I just can't disable it for some reason. 

I haven't written in years. Well the past two years I tried to pick up Sisters again and again, but it just didn't work out. And eventually I had announced that I was dropping the story. You know why?

I actually never knew people could change so much in a very short time. But I did. I started to tolerate sexual jokes less, I became more sensitive to subjects as rascism, discrimination (any form), bullying, suicide, rape, and so on. My character changed, eventhough I still kept a few like being kind (this is really important to me). I also became more of an introvert.

My chronical illness didn't have a healthy effect on me at all. I don't know if I ever mentioned I was diagnosed with depression, because it's been years ago. All though a year or two ago I got higher dosis of medication. And not only that I had a lot of people that had a bad influence on me in the sense that they brought me down. They fueled my lack of confidence. Due to this I stopped pursuing my dream job. 

It's really hard to juggle with depression, illness and lack of motivation.

All of this made me stop writing. I did still get an idea here or there that I thought was awesome, but never wrote. Mainly because of a lack of self-confidence and a lack of confidence in my ability to write.

The only type of writing I did was rp'ing. And I love it, it's my addiction. Certainly when my characters get into ships. It's also the only thing that makes me happy atm. I really love the big chunks of paragraph/literature rp, which I don't get much. 

I am really missing support though. Yeah sure, my mom supports me, but it isn't enough. And I don't know why. I don't have any irl friends left. Yeah sure, some of them send a message once a year or something, but we never meet up anymore. A lot of them say "Hey, we need to set a date to meet up!", but after that they don't respond anymore.

Yesterday I kind of lost my last irl friend because well ... we were exs and he had just hoped that we could get together again. And when I told him (for a millionth time) that we were never getting back together, he said that he didn't want to talk anymore and wasn't going to respond to me. He also said that if we'd see each other in the city we both study in, that I might love him again. ... It wasn't like I told him I didn't care for him anymore. I did, he was my best friend. No one knew about me as much as he did. I didn't think it would hurt much ... but it made me kind of feel lonely. Now I am like telling myself that the friends I have online are my best friends and that I should believe that. But none of them know much about me. And I think I also lost a few of them. Not too sure though.

Today it was a bit funny though. I had my first evening lesson in adult education and like this person started talking about travelling to South Korea and how they loved it there. And then my k-pop senses start tingling you know. And she started to talk with someone else and they came to the topic k-pop and I couldn't help but mingle in it. They were kindda like "This is going to be the best year ever! Now I'll be able to look forward to the lessons!" It was a bit funny. Not much after someone else had been eaves dropping and they started mingling into the conversation as well. And then we sat closer to each other and made our own k-pop corner. //snorts

I really want to write again but I only get these topics in my head that are super shoujo manga and I don't actually want to write those. I know all my stories are a bit like that. But I want to write deeper stories again. Stories that are a bit dark, that have a bit of sadness. Though it doesn't have to become a black book. I want to write about struggles in life again. I want to write about people fending for themselves and crawling out of a deep pit, making peace with the fact that it happened and that it would forever be a part of them. I really want to write something with meaning or a message. But I have no idea what.

I really want to think about those again. But I am so darn lazy. And I am super cliche, I know. And yes, I do dislike that about myself. I don't know ... maybe I should read more books with a deeper meaning. The problem is though I always think like "I want to have fun in reading. I want to relax, I don't want to cry over these pages!" The not wanting to cry part is really fueled by my mom who thinks it's stupid and useless to cry, certainly about movies, books, music, etc.

Eh, anyway, I don't know why I wrote this. I think I really needed to get it of my chest at this hour when no one I have a bond with is online.