Insecurities

Author note: Written for jinkismainchick’s AU post on tumblr.

It was Armin who pointed it out to him, when the lot of them had returned from another hike of hell and were scrubbing clean their skin covered in sweat and dirt. The shower stalls were crowded with packs of four guys trying to rinse their body as soon as possible, because none of them truly liked being butt naked in such a cramped place for too long, especially Jean, for obvious reasons that hadn’t taken long for others to point out.

Now whenever they showered, Jean would need a moment to muster enough courage. Dropping his towel and marching to the nearest stall to get the deed done became easier day by day, but there were always moments where someone had to remind Jean of how small he truly was. “Shut up and move over if you’re done!” he snapped in return, giving a harsh push to the one snickering at Jean’s anger. Doing as told, the boy left and he was able to finish washing himself in peace with the other boys keeping to themselves.

Wrapping his towel around his waist as quickly as possible when exiting the stall, Jean heaved a sigh of relief: he had survived once more. On his way out, Armin entered looking as uncomfortable as Jean felt on the inside. The smaller male had his arms wrapped around his chest, uncomfortable with the fact he had yet to gain any visible muscles. Being petite and lithe like this made him more of a girl than a young man to be. Quirking an eyebrow, Jean halted and addressed him, asking if something was wrong.

Armin’s eyes found his instantly, lighting up shortly before an obvious disappointed look replaced it. “I’m looking for someone.. Marco..” Armin said as he looked around shifting on his feet. Jean turned his head left and right in search of the mentioned boy. Where was he? Come to think of it, showering was the only thing they didn’t do together, it seemed. He hadn’t noticed his absence before, his main focus on making it through without blushing in embarrassment every single time.
“I’ve never seen him take a shower before” he told Armin.

“We usually go together” Armin said in reply, retracing his steps out of the shower facility with Jean following curiously. “You and Marco? Why?” he asked knowing the two of them cleaned their gear once in a while, but showering together when most of the boys were already done and had left, felt terribly intimate to him. Armin said nothing, his look avoiding Jean’s as he turned back and went for the shower stalls once more, having given up on finding Marco.

Jean held a good grip on the towel around his waist. Should it fall and expose him suddenly, he might not make it back to the barracks tonight. When he reached the basket where he had left a clean change of garments for himself, he spotted the one they were searching for before. “Marco!” Jean called out beckoning the tense man over. It took him a while to reach him, eyes counting the amount of occupants in the dressing area. “Armin’s looking for you – you never told me you two shower together” Jean said almost accusingly. Note that he wasn’t jealous, he wasn’t.

“Yeah, it makes it easier” Marco replied without much thought, his entire face colouring once Jean gazed at him curiously. He had forgotten that Jean had taught him to speak his mind more often, but now had not been a fortunate time to do so no matter how familiar he was with the other. “What?” Jean pressed on the matter, his skin drying on its own by now. He also was waiting for the number of people in the room to decrease. He looked around quickly, catching Marco doing the same once more. Locking gazes, they tensed at the same time and knew the other was hiding something. Well, everyone knew of Jean’s size by now. Marco glanced down automatically causing Jean to get flustered.

“Shut up!” he told Marco without the other having said anything. “I-I didn’t..” Marco replied weakly, hand gripping his own shirt and therefore hiding the small patch of skin that was previously visible. Coincidentally Jean’s grip on his towel tightened just as much. Trying to brush it off, Jean faces his garments. He had a pretty good guess what this was about, Marco had complained about it before, a long time ago when Jean had been in a sleep-deprived state of mind and had started counting all the freckles on Marco’s face during supper (mistaken a grain of rice for one, too). He’d never thought of the possibility that those same freckles could litter the rest of the boy’s body as well.

Giving a snort, Jean waited until the last boy had left before dropping his towel and quickly reaching for some underwear. “Who gives a damn about freckles” he told Marco, fumbling during his haste and nearly losing balance. A hand stabilized him, enabling him to hoist the garment up in place. “I do” Marco said having looked away after confirming the gossip. “Well, you shouldn’t” Jean countered stepping into his pants. “At least your freckles are cute – in a way” he added and stared at the hand that was still resting on his arm. He was about to shrug it off and pull his shirt over his head when seeing Marco’s red ears.

Did he really have to do this? Marco just should trust his words and get over it already, but Jean knew he was too sensitive to do so. Heck, even he needed to give himself a peptalk every time and he was considered a confident jerk. Marco, who was anything but, couldn’t possibly get over his embarrassment on his own. So that was what Armin was for, Jean discovered silently, but the blonde had abandoned him.

“He’s in there” Jean said motioning to the shower stalls.

“So are others” Marco quipped instantly. Jean sighed.

“Alright, show me. Show me what is so terrible about your freckles” Jean said nudging Marco’s hand away to get fully dressed. When he didn’t comply, it was Jean who yanked his hand away and lifted his shirt all the way up to his collar bone. “Jean!” Marco looked beyond uncomfortable when Jean laid eyes on the dozens of little dots scattered over his pale skin. Reaching out, Jean placed his hands on Marco’s chest to keep him from pulling his shirt down. He searched for a pattern, and gave a short chuckle when found one on Marco’s left side shaped like a messy circle. “Don’t laugh..” came a voice so small that Jean lowered the garment. “Give me a break, Marco. If anything, these make you even cuter” he commented, hand on his chest lowered to his stomach. The touch caused Marco to tense more. The look in his eyes said he found Jean’s words hard to believe.

“I dated a girl once, back in Trost. She had freckles too, though only on her right shoulder” Jean said lowering himself to his knees and ignoring the way Marco began pulling on his arms. When Jean showed no sign of moving, Marco raised his hands to his burning face, hiding behind them. “She was embarrassed by them too, especially when I did this” he continued, leaning forward to press his lips to his stomach, kissing the freckles that lead him to that peculiar pattern on his side. The muscles underneath his touch tensed, a faint whimper resounding from above. Jean gave a little smile when a hand touched his head. He pulled back and saw Marco looking at him through his fingers.

“Did it help.. doing that?” Marco asked slowly, growing less tense.

“Dunno, does it?” Jean asked, showing a grin when Marco’s eyes widened in realization. The man whined shortly and went back to hiding his face with both hands. “Don’t lie to me!”

“Then you should have listened to me in the first place! Forget the date thing, your freckles are nothing to worry about” Jean replied standing back up and undressing once more. Once naked again, he tugged on Marco’s garments and struggled with the boy until he was bare from head to toe as well. “What are you doing now?” Marco asked almost tiredly. There was a good reason why he’d approached Armin because of insecurity: he knew Jean wouldn’t understand and make him do embarrassing things. Such as dragging him into the shower by his hand while others were still there. They passed Armin who was on his way out, looking just as surprised, but he said nothing to stop Jean when he had such a determined look on his face. The other boys looked but were more curious about the red colour on both their face rather than the rest of their body.

Jean pulled at the curtain, shielding them once they were in a vacant shower stall. He gave a deep sigh and ran a hand through his still moist hair. Why had he just barged in like that, did he want to prove a point? Jean groaned at himself; Marco always made him do irrational stuff to get his point across. Meanwhile said boy tried to cover himself up with his hands as best as possible until Jean’s pointed look told him to stop. “Fuck them” Jean said with a burst of arrogance and confidence, turning on the water and throwing soap Marco’s way. “If I say your freckles are cute, then that’s it. Stop squirming” he told the other as Marco’s timid behaviour was getting to him, wanting to shield his privates, but that would only block the point he was trying to make.

It was silent safe for the water falling and others washing themselves. Marco rubbed the soap on his hands and spread it along his chest, eyes on the freckles Jean had kissed. They looked different somehow; better, prettier? It didn’t rid him off his insecurity, but at least he had found another person to shower with, Marco thought to himself as he began to get used to Jean’s intense look. He muttered a barely audible ‘thank you’ Jean’s way and Marco looked over when the other grunted in reply. Marco glanced down with a suppressed smile.

“It’s really small, isn’t it?” He asked teasingly, his innocent revenge for the forceful way Jean had exposed him.

“SHUT UP!” was all he got in reply.

It seemed they both still had to work hard on overcoming their insecurities.