Chapter 1

Lilah stepped out of the shower and let her hands roam over her naked body, imagining they were someone else’s hands– Jay’s hands, or Gray’s hands. She sighed, letting her hands fall away. She wasn’t a virgin anymore. She knew what a man’s hands felt like– knew what they didn’t feel like. And, they didn’t feel like hers.

Lilah’s bathroom was a mess of underwear and clothes, beauty products and makeup. She never put too much effort into getting ready, but tonight was different. She stopped for a moment, staring at herself in the mirror.

Lilah saw her dark skin– her light brown eyes framed by thick, black lashes and placed perfectly in between gently arched eyebrows and high cheekbones– her petite body and large breasts covered only by long lilac and rose box braids that fell to her small waist.

Lilah closed her eyes, trying even harder to imagine what it would feel like to have his hands on her body– their hands on her body, but she couldn’t. Frustrated, she opened her eyes and gave up on fantasies in order to focus on doing her hair and makeup.

After a few minutes of putting her hair up and then back down– putting black eyeliner on and then wiping off what didn’t belong, Lilah was ready to get dressed even though she still didn’t know what to wear.

After looking around, Lilah picked up a black lace thong from the pile of clean underwear and clothes thrown here and there on her bathroom floor. She ignored the matching bra and slipped on a short and strappy black dress instead. The simple black platform sneakers she always wore completed her outfit, and she was finally out the door.

Lilah knew she was late, and she sprinted out of her apartment with butterflies in her stomach. She stopped at the intersection and caught a taxi. She stared out the window as the taxi moved slowly, stuck in traffic, and she wondered if she would make it to the concert in time to see them– Jay and Gray, perform live.

***

Lilah held back tears as the taxi finally arrived, late and long after the concert had started. Her hands shook as she paid the driver, and she rushed out, stumbling blindly past security guards as she flashed a concert ticket that had become a crumpled mess in her hands. Finally, she was inside.

Lilah looked around and saw the crowd of people slowly start to move towards her. Everyone left while she stood there, short of breath and shocked. People bumped into her and muttered, Move, under their breath, but she didn’t move. She couldn’t move.

If only my professor hadn’t called me to his office to discuss my grades after class, Lilah thought to herself, then I would have been on time. I would have gotten to see Jay and Gray. I would have been able to breathe their air, to see the sweat dripping down their bodies, to hear their voices, to almost feel their hands on my body through the vibrations of the speakers pounding around me…

***

The sound of the music faded as Lilah walked home. Her feet hurt, but she didn’t feel the pain as tears rolled down her cheeks, blurring her vision and smearing her black eye liner. Suddenly, she wanted to go home– not to her apartment in Seoul but home.

A soft voice called out to her from behind, saying, Hey, again and again. Lilah turned around and finally saw him.

Jay?, Lilah thought to herself.

Lilah blinked and looked around before pointing at herself and mouthing, Me?Jay nodded and licked his lips, looking left and right with a smile on his face and his hands in his pockets as he finally caught up with her.

Jay was exactly Lilah’s height. He’s perfect, she thought to herself. His hair was a little too long and parted in the middle, but his eyes sparkled with a smile and his mouth– those full pink lips placed perfectly against baby soft white skin, were already stretched at the corners confidently.

Up close, Jay was covered in tattoos Lilah’s fingers itched to trace. She wanted to reach out and pull him to her, resting her head on one of his broad shoulders and wrapping her arms around his slim waist. With a soft sigh, she forced herself to focus on his words rather than… the rest of him: Muscles and skin barely covered by a white tank top and leather running shorts.

“I saw you at the concert, but you walked in and then walked right out before I could… before I could talk to you. Is everything okay? Were you crying? What’s wrong?,” Jay asked as he looked at her closely.

Lilah laughed, surprised, and said, “Actually, I was crying because I wanted to see you, but by the time I got to the concert, you were already gone. Well, I thought you were already gone.”

“Yeah, we’ve all finished performing, but we’re still inside. Just chillin’. I was backstage when I saw you walk in and just… wow. Come on,” Jay said as he grabbed Lilah’s hand, leaving her with no choice but to follow him.  “You’re too beautiful to cry.”

Lilah smiled for the first time in a long time as Jay took her inside, his smile just as big as hers.

Lilah would have followed Jay anywhere.

***

Gray was sitting in the AOMG dressing room when Jay and Lilah walked in quietly. He looked up, his face somehow more beautiful in real life.

“This is…” Jay paused.

“I’m Lilah,” Lilah said, filling in the blanks.

Gray smiled and nodded, too shy to speak English. But he let his eyes speak for him, and they roamed up and down her body, paused when he saw her hand in Jay’s.

“Do you want something to drink,” Jay asked, letting go of her hand.

Lilah nodded, wondering if she was dreaming– wondering if she should leave or let what was about to happen… happen.

No more imagining, Lilah thought to herself.

Looking around, Lilah saw the small room had plain, simple white walls offset by a colorful rack of clothing on the wall in front of her. Two large well lit mirrors were against the wall next to her, and Gray was sitting in one of the chairs right in front of it. The other chair was empty but would have been where Jay sat earlier as he got ready for the concert.

Gray rose, then, and walked to Lilah. He touched her colorful braids and then let the back of his hands slowly travel down her body, brushing against her shoulder, then her breast, then her waist. His touch was so light she was sure she was only imagining it, but when she looked down she saw her hand was in his.

A man’s hands, Lilah thought to herself.

Gray leaned in slowly as Jay came around Lilah from behind, the bottle of vodka forgotten as they got drunk on the moment. They were suddenly aware of each other– suddenly aware of something that felt like love but wasn’t.

Jay slipped his hands under the straps of Lilah’s black dress as Gray kissed her, his mouth closed and his lips full and soft against hers before opening and stroking her bottom lip roughly with his tongue. She opened for him, tasting him.

Jay slowly let his hands move down, and Lilah’s dress came with his hands, pooling to the floor at her feet. “Oh my god,” she could hear him say from behind, and he turned her around, pulling her away from Gray and closer to him.

Another kiss, this one deeper and more dangerous.

Stop, Lilah wanted to say, but Gray’s fingers went from her shoulders to her breasts and then found her, stroking softly and then entering her in one smooth, skilled motion. All she could do was moan against Jay’s lips and tongue as Gray fingered her, pressing and pushing deeper until she closed her legs tightly around his hand, suddenly coming in a rush of wet excitement and dizzying satisfaction.

But, Lilah wanted more. The mood changed, and she felt the brightness of the lights as she opened eyes she hadn’t even known had been closed. She turned her head away from Jay and saw herself reflected in the mirror. She couldn’t recognize the wild, wanton girl she saw.

Lilah pushed Jay and Gray away but only so she could kneel between them, tired of kissing and all too tempted to fill her mouth with more than she could handle. Jay and Gray stood above her, and a surreal moment where her eyes met theirs passed before they unzipped and stripped, taking off everything that stood in her way. She took them in her hands, teasing them by only tasting their cocks in her mouth with soft licks of her rough, red tongue against their hard, white flesh.

Lilah stopped her teasing long enough to watch as Jay and Gray took off their shirts and chains, the gold shine of them as bright as the look in their eyes was dark. She took Jay in her mouth first, because he saw her, followed her, found her– this time sucking and rubbing her hand up and down the hard length of him as he filled her mouth.

Gray was next, and he blushed as her mouth worked, sucking him so deep he hit the back of her throat. His head tilted back and his muscles flexed. He pulled away, then, smiling shyly as Jay laughed.

Lilah knew Jay and Gray had done this before with a different girl, but she didn’t want them to think about anyone but her– the same way she didn’t think about anyone but them. She rose and grabbed Jay’s hand, pulling him to the chair Gray had abandoned just minutes ago. She shoved him down and straddled him with her back to him, swinging her hair out of the way as he pushed himself into her from behind. She was tight and wet, and he groaned as she began to ride him slowly.

Jay’s hands grabbed Lilah’s hips, and Gray stood in front, watching as Jay thrust into Lilah again and again, faster and harder each time. Gray’s eyes widened as he blushed, but he didn’t look away. His tongue reached out to lick his lips. His hands reached down to touch himself. Lilah watched him, and their eyes met until she couldn’t keep hers open anymore. 

Gray came closer, his hand reaching out to grab Lilah’s breast firmly with one hand while he touched himself with the other.

When Lilah could open her eyes again, she saw Gray was so hard and long and thick. She wanted to feel him inside of her, but she wasn’t sure if he wanted her as much as she wanted him.

Jay rose, and he pushed her forward and down so that she could take Gray into her mouth again, but she couldn’t keep him there as Jay thrust into her from behind, in and out and in and out, and then his hand reached around and rubbed her there firmly and knowingly. Her knees buckled but he held her up, grabbing her arms and pulling her away from Gray.

Jay came inside of her, and Lilah collapsed on the ground.

Gray stood over her, staring down at her open legs, at the center of them where she was soft and sticky from having Jay take her so roughly, so perfectly. Lilah wanted Gray so badly, but he didn’t go to her. She was impatient, and he was irresistible. So, she went to him.

Gray hesitated as Lilah crossed the short distance between them. She put her small hands on his broad, pale chest and stared into his long lashed eyes that were dark with desire. He finally kissed her with his mouth closed, but she made him open up for her this time, running her hands over his chest and then down to where he was hard and and long and thick… and aching.

Lilah knew when Gray’s control snapped, because he pushed her back until she was against the door. He lifted one of her legs and entered her roughly and without warning. She let out a soft startled moan and his hand rose to cover her mouth before falling away to grab her hips.

Gray pulled almost all the way out before thrusting back into Lilah. He was slow and strong where Jay was fast and hard. Then he pressed himself against her, almost hugging her as he got close enough to feel her breasts and hard nipples against his chest. 

Gray wrapped Lilah’s legs around his waist and used his hands to hold her head in place. He forced his way into her mouth, lips pressing against lips and teeth scraping against teeth… and tongue tasting tongue.

Gray’s hands went down again, and he held Lilah in place as he thrust into her– still keeping that slow, strong rhythm steadily. She felt it coming, knew he wouldn’t stop until she was clenched around him tightly, the orgasm hitting her in waves that would pull both of them under. She gave him what he wanted as his forehead pressed against hers.

“I want… your eyes… open,” Gray said, his voice harsh and hoarse as he spoke to her for the first time, and Lilah did, letting him see the moment when she was lost and yet somehow found in his arms, in his eyes.

As Gray took her roughly against the wall and Jay watched, his eyes hot and heavy on hers from where he stood– naked, Lilah knew she had finally gotten what she wanted, but for the first time she wondered if it would ever be enough.