Forth of July

I slowly walk down the crowded sidewalk, couples passing me hand in hand while others lay in the grass surrounded by the darkness. I carefully get a grip on my camera bag, as each person passes my eyes turn directly towards their hands. I wonder what it feels like to have someone, anyone. I turn my palm out facing the opposite direction of the wind, the warm breeze nudges my hand back skimming my thigh. I try to imagine what it feels like to have someones hand in mine, the air partially seems to fill the void that i'm missing but only to a point.

I push myself further down the path dodging everyone in my way. My mind starts to wander as i stare down at the black pavement.

“is being alone really this comforting? or am i just use to the fact no one is there, either way i'm alone in any scenario i  conjure up.”

A loud boom from above brings me back to where i am, looking up i see the bright colors ignite the sky. Every person around me stops tilting their heads up to the giant sparklers overhead. i pull out my camera pressing it to my face, I snap the button a couple times before returning to a comfortable pace. i scan over the whole field,every body was paused memorized by the blues and pinks that painted the dark sky.

The last time i saw fireworks was back in Nebraska. I still remember the smell of the hot dogs on the grill, dad relaxed in a fold able lawn chair already on his 5th beer.

Finding a secluded place by a tree i prop myself against it neatly.I close my eyes listening to each boom that echoes through the harbor. The wind blows from behind me changing its direction from before, the mixture of warm and cold makes the back of my neck tingle.

I glance down at my watch taking in the time, 12:05. I should probably get going to meet up with Jackson. Pushing my self up from the bottom of the tree I continue down the dark path. I shove my hands into the pockets of my black skinny jeans, feeling the money crumpled up into a thin roll. All thoughts of happiness escape my mind when i turn down the black alley. I place my hands deeper into my pockets grabbing a hold of the money. Squinting my eyes I make out a tall figure, Jackson.

Walking closer he recognizes my familiar face. We both step to each other grasping hands pulling each other in for a hug. I carefully slide the money into his pocket as i feel him place the two small bottles into my red sweat shirt.

“Eric, its great to see you man,” he laughs.

“Yeah same here,” I say stepping back from the hug.

“So what are your plans for tonight?”

“Just some fun.” i say patting my jacket pocket.

“Well if you feel like hooking up i know this great party later tonight, call me if you’re interested” He teases.

I bite my lip playing with the lip ring for a second pretending to re-consider his offer “Naw man i’ll be fine for now”

“Oh, you better watch out T is looking for you and i heard he wants his money now.” Jackson warns.

“Don’t worry he won’t find me.”

“By the way how much do you owe that guy?”

“Just fifteen hundred,” i laugh.

“Good luck with that.”

Patting me on the back he continues laughing as he exits down the walk turning to disappear into the street. I stand there for a moment leaning against the stone wall, stretching my hand into my pocket i grasp the two small bottles. I pull the glasses out inspecting them carefully.

“400 dollars for you huh? well i hope you guys are worth it.”

I laugh at the smart comment i make as i stare at the label reading carefully. The small black print stood out from the white, Amytan was typed neatly across it. A group of kids walking by snaps me out of my daze. Turning the opposite direction of where Jackson left i made my way down the street. Masses of people flood the sidewalk. Getting a grip of my hood i pull it up over my head letting it drape over my hair. My dark blue eyes peek out from under my light brown bangs, i carefully watch everyone's faces as they rush past me.

After a half an hour of walking through the crowded city streets I find where I was going. Music blasts from the two level house. People crowd the deck that wraps around the first floor, beers in hand while they shout and dance.

I walk up the stairs entering the smoke covered house. I push past the sweaty bodies thrashing back and forth. In an instant the lights black out and the music stops. I feel myself become uneasy; reaching into my pockets I take hold of the glass containers in case I needed to get rid of them. The music bursts back on while neon green, blue, and red lights shoot through the air. The light show intensified the cigarette smoke swirling above me.

I continue up the stairs, finding a small bathroom to my right, I step in discreetly making sure no one noticed. The light flicked on illuminating the white walls, I set my camera bag down and turn around locking the door. I then face the black bag once more carefully unzipping the top, searching through the inside pockets I find a long elastic and a package of needles.  

I pull my sweatshirt off letting it rest besides me. Scooting back i prop myself against the tub. I reach for the elastic; I pick it up tying it tightly around my bicep. I then grab the package of needles and the small glass containers.

Peeling open the packages I set up the syringe. Carefully i pierce the top of the rubber sticking the needle in, slowly I draw back the top of it filling the tube with the clear liquid. I  then place the needle under the elastic finding a vein. Inhaling deeply through my nose I pierce the skin. Slowly I press the top of the syringe down with my thumb,  injecting the thick liquid into my arm.

When all of it is gone I pull the needle out resting it to my side. I let my arms slowly relax at my sides. My clenched fist slowly relaxes, my head drapes back over the tub as I close my eyes to the world. I try to open my eyes again but the only thing I see is a blurred vision of my converse.

After a half an hour or so I am able to get up. I slouch forward pulling the elastic off my bicep, I then lean over grabbing the used needle. Hastily I shove them into my bag. I grab my sweat shirt pulling it back on; zipping it up halfway I scramble over to the mirror. Leaning over I turn on the cold water, I shove my hands under splashing it across my face. Shutting the faucet off I glance up into the mirror.

My eyes look a little sunken in while my body has lost the little color it has. I bring my hand up to my head running my thin fingers through my hair messing it up more. I push away from the sink trying to find balance. My body tingles from the drugs coursing through it. I feel Invincible,  I feel wrong, but at least I feel something.

I fling open the door returning to the party. I rush downstairs into the darkness that is shattered by strobe lights. I check the zipper on my camera bag one more time making sure Its secured.

The atmosphere is loud and fast, everything happens at once and in a blink of an eye you might miss something.  I stand for a moment trying to focus on one thing but it all seems like a blur. The sounds and people  all confuse me, i scan around me quickly a woman walking by with a beer in hand catches my eye. Reaching over I snatch the bottle from her.

Putting the bottle to my lips I take a drink. The small blonde that I took it from whips around looking at me. After a moment of taking me in a smile pulls at her bright red lips. The music continues as she pushes herself closer to me. Slowly our bodies start moving together.

"So what’s your name?" She slurs.

"Will" I shout over the music.

When I wake up a blurred vision of a white room comes into view. Rolling over I find the blonde next to me wrapped in only a sheet. I extend my hand over the sheet less mattress feeling each of the grooves in the bed.

I reluctantly pull myself up. The floor around me is covered in clothes; shuffling through them i spot my camera bag and pants. I pull the pants up to my waist and buckle them, turning around me i find my

shirt. I zip it up over my bare chest and turn towards the door, quietly i open the doors stepping into the hallway. The rest of the house was just as trashed as the room i woke up in. Stepping around cups and wrappers i let myself out of the house, a light numb feeling still rests in my forearm.

When the sun hits my face i feel my self wince at the brightness; i check my watch making sure i didn't miss Jamie’s call. Picking up my speed i jog down the sidewalk. Chicago is possibly one of the most fast pace city’s in America. Sounds of cars running, trains rushing by, and music blasting from street performers. This has become my home, at least its what i am use to. Flying down the path way i find my way to the entrance of the subways.

I enter the apartment kicking my shoes off by the door. Rushing over to my computer i pull out the camera plugging it in; carefully resting the camera bag my feet. As the pictures load I search the pile of clothes next to me for a clean pair of sweats. Finding faded grey ones I switch pants, looking over to my wall I remember something. I walk over, carefully I kneel down to the bookshelf In front.

I fumble through the books until finding the completely black leather bound one. Carrying the book back to the desk, I sit down and start looking through the photos. Immediately picking favorites one particular photograph sticks out.

Its a picture of the fireworks. The gold sparkler ignites the sky, leaving a ghostly glow across the rest. Two streams of blue are rising up underneath almost exploding.

Pressing print the machine next to me starts rumbling.  When it stops I pick up the picture examining it more, a tingling in my arm brings back the soft comfort feeling i felt last night. Snapping back to reality I grab the black leather bound book and flip it open.

The books pages are covered in pictures since from the first night I got here. Slowly I flip to and blank one. Taking the picture i flip it over scribbling the date neatly across the back with a sharpie. Underneath I put amytan.

The book is almost halfway full with every drug I've done since I got here, I'm the only person who has seen it but that's because I like to keep this side of me hidden. Every month or so i let myself try something new, hoping to actually feel something.The phone bursts out into a ring.Nobody ever calls my house except one person. I jump over to the phone picking it up on the third ring.

“Hello?” i say.

“Saxton!” the familiar perky voice says.

I relax my shoulders letting them slump forward “Hey sis, hows it going?”

“good! i miss you so much and i got an A on my math test and dad told me he is going to get a job soon so then you can come home isn't that great? i get to see you again!”

I can practically hear the tears forming in her eyes. The thought of seeing Julia for the first time in 7 months is heart pounding. “Yah. i'll come home soon i promise, but i have to get going. I love you lots.”

“I love you more.”

I hang up the phone exhaling. Saxton. I Almost forgot what its sounds like for her to say my name. Julia is in her first year of 7th grade and is the only light in my life. When she was first born i was twelve.

At that age i usually kept to myself, never talked to anyone, never had any friends. I never needed them and never wanted them. But when i first got to hold Julia everything changed, someone actually depended on me.

That dependency grew when i was 14 and mom decided to hang herself in the garage one day after school and ever since that dad has been  an alcoholic, she needed someone in her life to take care of her.

My eyes flash back to the black book, a feeling of guilt creeps into my chest. I can’t let my sister see me like this. I've lost more than a little weight, my skin is pale to the point i look sickly, and my eyes don’t have that glow they use to anymore. I look like a totally different person.

Shaking the thoughts i shove the book back into the shelf, i make my way to the bedroom where i can finally collapse. Today is Wednesday i have work on Friday, one more day off. I exhale in agitation. Letting my body collapse on the bed i surround myself in covers. My eyes become heavy as my breathing becomes shallow. I feel the quiet consume me as i drift to sleep.