chapter two

Ran deserves better, Shinichi tells himself. Ran deserves someone who’ll really care for her, who won’t block her out because of some mysteries, someone who’ll truly be able to be by her side all the time, someone who’s much able to protect her than him. Shinichi doesn’t want to be selfish, albeit he doesn’t want to let her go either. Howbeit, if making her happy means forgetting him, then he’s more than willing for her to forget. As long as she’s happy, as long as she doesn’t shed another tear, Shinichi is willing to let her forget and move on.

Shinichi knows he should have known better than to give her his number, it’s like another way of giving her hope, only to dash it every time he doesn’t call. Yet, at that time, it had felt so right, so natural to let her know. He wants to ease her pain, even slightly, by letting her know that he’s there. He’s still there and he’ll always be, for her, even if she doesn’t know it.

“Conan-kun,” Ran calls.

“Yes, Ran-neechan?”  Conan, or Shinichi, replies as brightly as a child is able to.

“What do you like for dinner? I’m going to buy some groceries, so you can tell me now,” Ran smiles, taking her purse in her hands as she steps out of the small kitchen.

“I don’t have much preference, neechan. Just cook whatever you like,” Conan smiles and replies.

It scares Shinichi with the thought that he’d been too used to calling her ‘neechan’. Time passes and things move on; Shinichi fears that one day, even when he turns back to who he is, he’d continue to call her ‘Ran-neechan’. It strikes a chord in his heart, trembling with fear of the future.

“Well, I don’t really know what to cook either,” Ran shrugs, her brows ceased with worries as she looks at the clock, “Otou-san is going to be late again. The case seems difficult; it’s taking a toll on everyone.”

With that, Shinichi frowns. He knows that Mouri will definitely jump at the chance to be involved at the police will also be more than elated to have a ‘great detective’ helping them. But he doubts that Mouri is able to provide much help without giving them nonsensical ideas. After all, Mouri is nothing much without the ‘brat’ around, it’s kind of impossible for Mouri to solve such a huge case all by himself.

Albeit, Shinichi might not be too fast to judge the guy and push him down. Sometimes, Mouri really does surprises Shinichi. He isn’t all that he appears to be.

Shinichi is unable to fathom the reason why Mouri Kogoro is so addicted to drinking before he shrunk into Conan and lives with them. However, as time passes, Shinichi observes and slowly comprehends. Regardless of beer or sake, Mouri doesn’t care about the flavor; all he cares about is getting drunk. Shinichi realizes the reason too late and his perspective of the guy slowly changes.

Shinichi knows that Mouri is disdainful of this trait himself, but he refuses to change it. Mouri might seem idiotic and much of a jerk without a brain, Shinichi knows better. He realizes that Mouri is also a master of veneer, except in different ways from others.

Maybe it’s because something is ‘missing’ yet he refuses to admit. Maybe it’s because he wanted to forget and ignore the misery. Maybe he drank because of the bitter taste that reminds him too much of the past. But Shinichi knows that Mouri drinks to forget. He doesn’t like to be reminded of his past mistakes; he drinks to be drunk.

Shinichi slowly understands that not getting drunk is not that easy either. When your heart is too clear, everything is of no use. He hates to analyze, despite stubbornly determined to be a private detective. Perhaps that’s the reason why his detective skills are always half-hearted.

Somewhere among Kogoro being drunk with a clear heart and masking his pain with aloofness, Shinichi realizes, and he understands.

He watches Ran wears her shoes and walks out of the door. For now, he retreats into his room and is grateful for the moment of privacy that he’s able to have. He offs the light and huddles himself at a corner. Shinichi is not fond of darkness, but he learns that sometimes darkness is the only redemption. Shinichi thinks he thinks better without light, losing himself in the dark and finds himself suffocating, yet his brain thinks better, exceptionally clear yet exhausted.

He thinks about the case, but get sidetracks nevertheless. He thinks about Ran, the pain is getting harder to ignore and sometimes Shinichi has an urge to cry; he thinks about Ai, he isn’t sure of what he feels with her, he isn’t sure if he’s caring about her or perhaps the Conan in him thinks of her; he thinks about Conan, his situation; he thinks about Mouri and everything in between until he feels so suffocated that he wants to scream.

Yet, who’d be able to hear him? His silent scream of fear and stress; who’ll be able to understand him and save him from falling? Perhaps there is no one else apart from himself (yet the back of his mind whispers a name; Haibara Ai).

He looks out of the window and glances at the moon; it seems exceptionally bright tonight. His phone in his hand and he asks himself why he’s hesitating. Is he afraid that she’ll find out who he is or is he afraid he cause more unnecessary pain for her, putting her in danger? Somehow, he thinks of Ai and wonders if she’ll be able to understand him.

He chooses not to call in the end.