home alone

Kagura is a grownup now, she has responsibility; she’s no longer a kid that works at Odd Jobs. This is what she had wanted; this is what she dreamed of. She has long hair, curly and beautiful, she’s tall enough to reach the top shelf by herself, and her boobs have gotten bigger. Isn’t this hat she’s wanted? For so long, she’s dreamed about growing up, being on her own, going off into exciting adventures without labels being stuck to her.

For so long she’s been viewed as just a kid, now she’s all grown up, twenty-five and all. She hasn’t seen Gin for a while, a long while, and Shinpachi still sends letters (she is left stunned at how Shinpachi’s now married. Pachi seemed like the forever alone type), telling her of how their new neighbor is so obnoxious and how boss lady refuses to write back to him because Shinpachi told Kagura the news first. In about two months or so, he’s going to be a father (Kagura’s praying for the baby’s sanity, hoping it’ll never grow up like them) and he sends postcards whenever he can.

Gin had sent her new year’s money, saying it was long overdue and her eyes were tearing because Gin only sent twenty five cents. That was an improvement from last year, when she only got a penny, though. They’ve all grown so apart—Otose’s (Kagura still calls her old hag mentally, but she’s dead now, so Kagura had to show some respect because Lord knows that old hag would haunt her if she didn’t) snack shop was now under Gin’s name and he eats peanuts and fight with patron all day long. Tsuki-chan still visits him, even though the last time she saw him, they were denying of being in a relationship, Kagura wonders if they’re married now. Gin had always said he’d rather live alone and if he were to have a wedding, it’d be secluded. Kagura guessed she wasn’t important enough to make that list of special guests.

Kagura had spent most of her childhood wanting to grow up, and now she is. It wasn’t that difficult, when she turned twenty she had a big celebration with the rest of the Odd Jobs and boss lady came too. A lot of people came and went, dropping off presents and words of luck. Kagura had snuck a shot of Sake (when Gin and the rest of them were pretty much passed out and Shinpachi had left early because he’s lame as always.

She didn’t know what to expect, but it tasted bitter and it burned her throat, imprinting its flavor on her tongue and she decided it was neither bad nor good. She had to drag Gin home afterwards and he was heavy and she was a bit dizzy (okay, so she drank an entire bottle, no need to scream at her for experimenting, we all do it). She stumbled a bit and they end up passing out in front of the snack shop and Otose yelled at them later in the morning. This brought a tear to her eye because Otose was dead (that hag was mean, but she fed them well and Kagura knew she cared because when Gin passes out on the bar stool, she always wipe his drool away from his face and he pretends to sleep but he’s not really asleep and it just goes on like that for the rest of the night until Gin really does pass out) and everyone had moved on because they’re all so much older than she is.

To be honest, she didn’t want to grow up, no; she just wanted to sample being an adult, to feel how Gin and Shinpachi felt (although Patsuan was only 19 and technically he wasn’t an adult but he’s more mature than Gin was) because she was always labeled as a kid who couldn’t take care of herself. She resented being called a kid because she wasn’t, she knew how to fight, she ate well and would have been taller than Shinpachi, and she’s sure she’s more mature than Gin, even though that doesn’t mean much.

She wasn’t a kid, but now she misses being one. Now she wants to be one. They’ve drifted so far apart, no more Odd Jobs, just a wandering Kagura, a settled Shinpachi, and who knows what Gin is doing besides running the snack shop. She had been so used to sleeping in that closet, Sadaharu drooling over her, Gin snoring in the room next door. She misses greeting customers, misses Shinpachi’s tea (even though it was terrible and cheap), misses fighting alongside with the Shinsengumi (or rather fighting with the Shinsengumi, mainly a certain Sadist), misses Zura and Elizabeth’s random visits, misses fighting for something worthwhile and living in near-poverty but still enjoying life while doing so. Sure, she’s well off now, she’s nowhere near rich but she lives a happy life, Sadaharu likes sleeping in the living room and the bedroom isn’t the closet and it’s just too big.

There’s no one snoring besides herself, and she had to be asleep to hear that, so that’s rather pointless. It’s sometimes so quiet, it’s scary. She has been going out less and less (only to buy food and take Sadaharu on walks) and she doesn’t even remember the last time she texted someone. The child innocence wasn’t there anymore, no more youth, hello old age. She knows she’s at a stage in her life where everything is supposed to make sense, even if it doesn’t, she has to make it make sense because everyone else’s’ lives makes too much sense.

Shinpachi used to send letters every week, now it’s every month (mailing costs have gone up and he moved away to a different district, far away from where she is and where Gin was). She wasn’t complaining because she wasn’t actually looking forward to the content of the letters, she just wants to know she’s not alone in this world, not alone with no one else to comfort her. Shinpachi’s letters have long since stopped being energetic, now it’s just small talk and generic conversations. “How are you?” and “I heard it snowed up there. It’s still pretty warm down here.” and “How’s the rest of the gang doing?” and “Merry Christmas! Happy New Years!” and “Kagura, isn’t it about time you found someone worthwhile?” and she doesn’t, couldn’t stop the tears this time. She wasn’t just tearing up, she’s crying. Shinpachi, who was so lame so nerdy was now married and expecting a baby, and here she is, she who thought she was better than him, alone and crying over memories that don’t exist to anyone but her. Everyone’s forgotten. They’ve all moved on. She’s still stuck in the time where they played badminton and ate anpan with Yamazaki, where they pulled all sorts of trick on Katsura (when did he become Katsura? He’s always Zura in her heart), where they took Sadaharu on walks and Gin would try to hit on girls and she’d secretly whisper for Sadaharu to attack Gin, and when they used to lay in the Odd Job’s office, staring at the Sugar Content picture and was bored out of their minds, but was too lazy to do anything.

Sadaharu lifted his head; a little whine escaped his graying fur as he nuzzled her hand. “Sadaharu, it’s just me and you.” In the midst of her tears, she came to a realization, one she’s always know but she’s know aware of it, so aware of it. “I’m alone.”

She tries her best to stop her sobs because it’s shaking her body and she wasn’t this weak (she cried once because she scrapped her knees running outside to catch Gin for a prank and that was on purpose and it made Gin buy her a parfait afterwards), she wasn’t weak at all. She was a strong girl, (girl she bitterly noted) and she was still young, youth was still there and she could change her life if she wanted to (she didn’t. she’d rather rely on self-brooding and crying at old memories than to search out for help. that’s the way she’s been raised.). There was so much going on, Sadaharu was whining because it’s Wednesday and they went out for walks on Wednesday and Sadaharu was confused (why is she even crying?).

She decided it was finally time for her to visit the snack shop, relive her memories and hopefully make human contact (she’s not alone. she’s not alone. she’s not alone.), maybe she’ll see Gin, maybe he already died from sugar overdose, maybe he’s really settled down and forgot her too. She doesn’t want to find that out (couldn’t find that out) because Gin was her older brother and so was Shinpachi and it hurt so much finding out Shinpachi had already moved on she couldn’t lose Gin either.

It was selfish of her to want to hold Gin back, to demand he stay with her and tell her everything’s okay (she’s not alone. she’s not alone. she’s not alone. she’s not alone.), she really needed him to say things she wanted to hear so desperately. And maybe she’s sick, maybe she’s sick with the mind bug that’s been going around, maybe she’s depressed.

But for a girl who wanted to grow up so badly, she’s sure not enjoying adulthood. She would rather be a girl (be a kid with the three of them together, even though she hates being labeled as a kid) than to be grown up and mature and pretty on her own. She really doesn’t want to be alone and oh god, she’s alone—so alone, so left out, so secluded.

She hated that, hated being so weak and so vulnerable and so desperate for something to make her feel alive again.

Sadaharu let out a bark, a quiet one, and she got up, wiped away her tears, and put on a smile (for show, although no one’s going to see it because she’s so alone) and opened the front door.

“Let’s go Sadaharu.” Her voice cracked.

•••

She stared at the door, hands fidgeting nervously, Sadaharu nudging her forward (this dog was too smart sometimes). The Odd Jobs’ sign was still hanging; Snack Otose had been crossed out to Snack Gin. It was late afternoon, the sky was orange and all sorts of different colors Kagura could care less about. Sadaharu barked, loudly, and there were sounds of footsteps. “Yes, yes, coming!” Gin, that was Gin alright, that lazy, too-relaxed tone was very recognizable.

The door slid open and Gin stood there—hair silver (or was it gray? his hear may have been silver but his heart had always been gold/gray.), eyes filled with shock, wrinkles (they’re not wrinkles!) edged finely into his forehead. “Kagura?” Sound escaped and there was nothing, just Kagura breathing heavily and Sadaharu’s excited barks and tail wagging. Kagura was panicking, what should she say (“Hey, Gin-chan, how’s it going?” seemed too casual. “Um, hi, do you remember me? I’m that one girl who used to work for you and this is Sadaharu, our gigantic mascot.” sounded too depressing. “Hey.” wasn’t enough.) and her hands just fidget even more and Gin wasn’t inviting her in. They just stood there, Gin with his mouth hanging open and Kagura who was fidgeting. “Hey, Patsuan, guess who came back, I’ll give you three chances.” He seemed to have finally gotten over the shock.

“Who is it, Gin-san?” That was Pachi—that was him alright. Kagura’s brows furrowed in confusion and Sadaharu’s tail wagged even faster.

Kagura felt the tears in her eyes again (she stopped them this time, though, crying in front of Shinpachi was really embarrassing) and ran into Gin’s open arm.

“Welcome back home.”

And home was found again.