Chapter One

Maya

"His ghost haunts me. He visits me in my dreams, where we can be truly together. His death hasn't stopped that. Everyday I am reminded of him, the way something looks, or even the way something smells. Kit try's to help, but it's no use. No one but him can help me now. It has been almost 4 years since he killed himself in that cell, but I feel the new pain of it each morning, waking up without him. Tiffin and Willa try to lead their own lives, now 13 and 9. They don't mention it when I come home drunk, because they know what would happen. They know the consequences for reminding me.

Kit has thankfully kept Lochan and mine's secret, keeping the younger two in the dark. They shouldn't have to deal with the abomination of an older sister they have, according to society. I yearn of him, I miss him with every fiber of my being. It's normal for Kit and Tiffin to come home and find me in the kitchen, the knife in my hand. They don't even talk to me, they just take the knife and hide it again, but I always find it. School means nothing to me. Francie quit talking to me about a month after his death." 

Closing my diary, I glanced up. Kit was playing with Tiffin and Willa, giving them the attention they so desperately craved for. I withdrew. There is nothing more than that. I left behind everyone important in my life. Walking into the kitchen, I see that chores haven't been done. I trudge upstairs and find piles of dirty laundry. I see the devastation my absence has caused, but I don't feel the need to do anything about it.

"They have to learn how to take care of themselves." That is the excuse I give myself for slipping into the void once my feet hit the ground of my living room. School blurs by, people push and shove me like a little doll around the halls. Walking home is a daze. I always pass a group of guys, and I always give them what they want for an extra buck or two. Kit has a job, but that isn't enough. Any money coming in is good, no matter where it comes from. The teachers and counselors stopped caring when I wouldn't talk to them, and I would give anyone who tried to tell me that Lochie and I were wrong the cold shoulder and silent treatment. Rumors spread like wildfire through the school. 

"Did you hear about the Whitley kids? Apparently Maya and Lochan were dating, that's just gross!"

"I heard that Lochan and Maya slept together, disgusting." Then came the teasing.

"How was your brother Maya, was he good?"

"Brother lover!"

"Now that's desperate, kissing a sibling for some action." I just stood there and took it, but nothing they said could make me regret my blissful time with Lochie that morning. The way his body melded into mine, the way his breath hitched in his throat as we kissed. The way i could feel his heart, beating in time with my own. Replaying that memory in my head over and over, that's what keeps me moving. But that is all it will every be, a memory. 

 

Lochan

It was the only way out. I couldn't do it any other way. It was the only way to save Maya and the kids. I just wanted to protect them. I can see Maya, wherever I am. I watch over her now, seeing her live her life. The pain that was caused makes me cringe. Seeing her drunk, watching her fall asleep clinging to my bracelet like a life preserver. Tiffin and Willa don't understand why she hurts, why she cries so much more than them. Kit has become the man of the house, taking care of the two younger ones. Maya is just a shell of her former self. 

I long to reach out to her, to feel tue warmth of her breath, her smooth hands grabbing mine, comforting me. But there is no comfort here. She senses me when I break the spirit barrier, crying out my name in her sleep. I lay next to her, just like we used to each night. My hollow sobs echo in the dark room, no one acknowledging my existence. Every mirror, every window, I place myself, hoping for Maya to look, just so I can see her beautiful face again. It pains me to say this, I feel so selfish. I want her to die. I want her to die so we can be together again, so I can touch her face, kiss her lips, just hold her hand. Kit and the others dont matter anymore, I just want her. I need her. 

This place, wherever it is, is barren, devoid of all life. It's just me and my memories. All I can do is wander, and watch the world. Is this my own hell? A life without Maya, only being able to see her, never to touch or hold her again. Sleep would be a relief, but the dead are forever asleep. A waking nightmare, that is what this is. My only relief, the ice to my burn, is seeing Maya. We can pass into the land of the living, we just cannot interact with anyone. I am always with her, at school, at home, even when she sells herself to those scumbags down the street. I have learned that I can influence things, like someone's thoughts or an object. Sometimes when I'm lucky, I can briefly take control of another's body, possessing them. I still have to experiment, because I can only stay in the body for two to three minutes. I still have moments where I feel alive, when I feel her heart, or see her breathing, it's like I'm alive again. It's so easy to forget that I'm...dead. I'm dead. I have been dead for almost 4 years. I've been in the same place, not moving forward. Maya is now 20, and I'm still 18. 

Each day is harder, knowing that she has to live it without me. She has it so much worse than I do, she can't even see me.