The Last Song

“The Last Song”

We entered her room, and she did her usual business of placing her things where they belonged. She was carefree about most things, but her room was a different story. Everything had its place and everything had to be put in the way she wanted it to be. After her usual routine, she sat down on her bed and smiled at me. I walked over to just in front of her brown door and looked her in the eyes, pleading for her to understand the words I was about to say. It was neither spontaneous nor scripted. It was what my heart had been screaming for the past month. It was everything I was; everything I could be, but most importantly, it was everything I am. 

"Why not give me a chance? Give us a chance. Forget the past and live in the present. Live in the present with me, looking at the possible future we could have together."

I closed my eyes to break from her blank stare. I spun and looked around her room. 

It was painted a bright shade of green, which I always said was neon, but she always rejected to be so. It was a weird kind of messy. Pens stowed hastily away in a yellow and orange pot atop a clutter of an organizing box which was filled with all sorts of random items. It sat beside her personal computer which was always on. Her keyboard and mouse tucked away under the table itself on a sliding compartment. Her jewelry making materials were all over the place, which made it seem like she was using them just before I came. More coloring pens scattered all around the long table. At the end of it, was her coin collecting pots where each denomination of coins had its own place. At the left wall of her room was a dresser, whose mirror was framed by various jewelry stands filled with her own products. There were no clothes on her bed this time, which made her room feel cleaner somewhat. It felt like an artist's den. A haven for spontaneity and freedom; yet
at the same time, was so contained, personal... Closed. I always though it mirrored her heart. 

I continued to speak, back turned to her. 

"I'm too deep into this now. I can't just wake up one day and be over you. I can't forget everything we've gone through; the happiness, the tears, the emotions... You can't expect me to just quit loving you. Nor can you expect me to let this feeling rot inside me without reciprocation."

I clenched my fists and looked up at the white ceiling. The yellow lights were all on. She never liked them off, for some reason. She always liked a brightly lit room, which I thought contrasted with her choice of bulbs. 
I spun around and looked at her, sitting on her singles bed. Her eyes dizzied from my sudden burst of emotion. The giant green turtle which usually lay lazily on the bed was in her arms, as she stared at me. 

"Whatever your past did to you, I might be able to help fix. Whatever mistakes were done to you, I might be able to correct. Whatever your other guys couldn’t do, I just might be able to. I'm stronger than you think I am. I'm different from everyone else." 

I looked her hard in the eyes. They were a dark shade of brown; easily mistaken for black. They showed no emotion. No tears or wrinkles of happiness. I had gotten used to this already. She was always that hard to read, which made my job of courting her all the more difficult. That didn't matter though. She was known for being blunt and straight-forward so if she wanted to say something, she would have already done so. I took her silence as a 'continue please.'

"What exactly is it in a relationship that you're not ready for? The commitment? The attachment? The pain? Or are you just afraid of being anchored down? That if you get yourself into a relationship, you would have to stop the random spinning of your life that you enjoy so much? Is that it? Is that all your afraid of??!"

My voice was starting to rise, so I stopped talking. Yelling at her won't solve the problem. It wouldn't help the situation. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to regain my composure. 

"You won't have to stop spinning. I can spin with you. I won't anchor you down. I won't hinder your spontaneous spirit or your freedom. I don't have to be your center if you don't want me to be. Just let me spin with you... Alongside you..."

My voice softened on that last syllable. Her face still hard to read, and her lips as silent as they usually were, I went on. 

"You don't even have to worry about getting hurt or hurting me. I can handle pain. I can endure it as long as I want to. To put it bluntly, I'd rather be hurt by you, while were together than to go through the pain of getting over you. I'd rather hurt with you in my life than to go unhurt alone. You don't have to worry about getting hurt by me either. Because I'll always try my best to keep you happy. Your happiness is my own."

My voice still soft and gentle, I continued my monologue. 

"I know you like me. Even if you don't show or say it, I feel it." I noticed her eyes soften. "Then why are you so stubborn to admit that to me? Are you afraid that if you admit it, we HAVE to be a couple? That doesn't really happen that way, you know." My left eyebrow raised, I let out a small smirk. It wasn't that it was funny or anything. It was more like a 'that was a stupid thing to say' kind of smirk.

I removed my glasses and rubbed my face vigorously after realizing how stupid my last statement was. I threw my glasses on her bed and they landed just in front of her. She stared at them and smiled too. Seeing her finally smile made my anxiety go away, just as what usually happens. I reached for my glasses and put them on. Kneeling on the floor of the foot of her bed, I straightened my face. 

"Seriously now, aside from you not being ready, there is nothing stopping us from being together. Your parents seem to like me, I think I can get along okay with your brother, my parents adore you, my relatives can't wait to meet you, we hang out great, it’s never boring or awkward, we enjoy a lot of the same things, we might not agree on everything but we handle the disagreements just fine, we can talk about anything, we're already really close, I'm willing to do so much for you to stay comfortable and relaxed, you don't have to change any of your plans for your future because of me, I'll find my own place in your life on my own. What more could you want? Who else would do so much just to be with you?"

I stood up and patted down my knees. I fixed my glasses and looked at her again. Unphased by my points, she just sat there, looking at me. Still only looking. She was often silent like this during our more serious conversations. I thought to myself that just as much as she needed to look at herself, she enjoyed looking and observing others. That she would rather study other people than herself. It was part of who she was, and I accepted that. So I found no real point in bringing it up. Instead, I filled the silence that usually plagued our conversations.

"If there's one person you can trust with your emotions, I'm it. I wouldn't deliberately hurt you, and if I do accidentally hurt you, all you have to do is say so and I'll make it up to you somehow. I wouldn't make fun of your emotions or your feelings. I understand them. I have them too, so why would I make fun of them? You can be emotionally open to me, just as you are physically open to me already."

I sat down on her bed. About a foot and a half away from her. She moved back an inch or so when I sat. I gave a puzzled look and she answered it with:

"what?"
Followed by a look that seemed to accuse me of something. I shook my head and shrugged. 

"I'm willing to travel halfway around the world with you. I'm willing to change my uncertain future to fit yours. I'm willing to be by your side, thick or thin. I'm willing to deal with each and every issue you have; be it big or small. I'm willing to sacrifice my own freedom to maintain yours. You don't even have to feel guilty about it; because it’s something I'll want to do. Now who else would do all that for you? If you felt that your last relationship was too controlling, and you felt suffocated, I'm offering the exact opposite of that. I'm adjusting myself to fit you, so you'll never have to feel constricted again."

I frowned as I finished. I looked down on my crossed legs and sighed.

"I don't expect you to reciprocate just because I'm doing or offering these things. All I'm doing is telling you what I can offer you. What you should expect from me. I'm simply trying to change your mind to give us a chance. I'm totally different from anyone you've been with and will probably be with. I'm not saying I'm a once in a lifetime catch, I'm trying to show you that you shouldn't let yourself pass an opportunity like this. I'm not perfect, but I'll be someone you can be with." 

The thin yellow comforter of her bed was all I could see, aside from my own legs. Memories flooded my mind. A lot has happened on this bed. A lot of firsts for the both of us. Then out of nowhere, I started to tear up. My vision blurred and the section of the comforter I had been staring at started to get damp. I've cried on this bed before. She comforted me back then, but this time her warmth was distant. I wiped my tears away and looked straight at her. I saw her hesitate to come close to me. Her facial expression was softer now. It was no longer hard to read. I saw pain in her face; pains from not letting herself come to a friend's aid. This realization only made my heart drop lower. Were friends the only thing she saw in me?

I placed my palm on my forehead and let out a heavy sigh. I stood up from the bed and started walking around. I felt her eyes following my every step. I walked around her small green room, mind a-flur with thoughts. Her room was familiar to me now. It felt like an extension of my own. 

The safety-pin-operated air condition unit on the wall beside her windows chilled me every time I passed it. The wooden floor reminded me of my old home. I stopped and grabbed her wobbly computer chair, spun it around and sat on it. My face perfectly leveled to hers as I sat at the foot of her bed. 

I stared at her face long and hard; the gentle features masked by a sturdy expression. Her usual kind eyes were absent. In their place were hardy pools of brown which stared straight back at me. They gave me a chill down my spine. She never liked feeling pressured or put on the spot, which was exactly what I was doing. It was apparent that, if anything, she was feeling pissed at me. Not for sharing my emotions, but for placing the responsibility of my happiness in her hands. 

I couldn’t let doubts flood me anymore. I came here to put up a final stand, and that's what I have to do. My time with her was limited and if there is anything that I learned from being with her, it’s to stop being indecisive. If there's something I'd like to impart on her, it’s to stop being half-hearted. It’s about time I practiced what I preach. 

"In the past months that I've known you, you've changed so much in me. You've woken up parts of me I never knew I possessed. I wish I could say the same for you. You've been as open as you could be to me and I appreciate that. But time has come that I need more from you. I need a relationship with you." 

I shifted in the uncomfortable seat; my eyes never detaching from hers. I crossed my legs and continued. 

"I'm sorry for placing you in the hot seat, but I just have to know what I am and what I can be to you. We don't have to be together right away. I can wait an inhumanly long time for you to be ready, but I have to know if I'll be waiting for anything. That I won't just be wasting my time on waiting. That after the wait, I will have the sweet opportunity to hear a 'yes.' come from your lips. I'm investing so much of who I am into developing and making a relationship possible, and I need confirmation that this isn't just a waste of time. I need to know if I'm getting anywhere; if I'm getting closer to you in the way I intend. You might say that this is my major courtship. Right here. Compressed in these words is everything I've been trying to show you; everything I tried to make you feel, everything I can do to sway your decision. And if this doesn't work, I really can't do anything else to change your mind. This is my final stand. My last proposal."

She looked away as I finished. I never stopped staring at her though. She seemed to be avoiding my gaze now. As if she had no idea what to say. She was often like this too. Afraid to hurt others, yet unwilling to lie to herself for other's sake. In times of confusion, she often would just break eye contact and shift her head sideways. It was her escape mechanism. Something she often did during serious conversations about relationships. I continued to stare at her as she continued to stare at her brown door. 

"You've wondered if you'll ever get married. You've wondered if anyone would be strong enough to handle your faults, your pains or your issues. I'm right here. The moment I fell for you, I was willing to accept all that... The moment I started courting you, I was simply waiting for you to be ready as well. I'm here. I always will be."

She closed her eyes, face still on the door of her room. Her mouth unmoving. Her breathing steady. I licked my lips and started what would be the last words I could feel were in my heart. Just before I started, the memory of our first kiss right on this very bed flooded my thoughts. The heat. The passion. The excitement. There has to be something there, for how could two people be that intimate yet have no feelings for one another? The emotions were all back. They came crashing down on me, giving me a burst of courage. My sweat dropped from my forehead down to my nose and lips. The salty taste of it reminded me of her lips. Her sweat. I felt as if, together, we could make anything happen. We could finally be happy living our lives for someone aside from ourselves.

I opened my mouth and without hesitation or second thoughts, said it all. Without second guessing if I was doing the right thing, the words simply flowed out of my mouth. 

"I feel as if my whole life was just a big drum roll for this point. That everything else that led to today was building up to this moment. My past relationships seemed to be an intricate story I was writing: A story of who I was meant to be with. This point, right now, here in your room is what I feel to be the climax of it all. The point of which things can be decided. But this is no longer just my story. It’s yours as well, and only you can end it."