meliorism.

i weep and i lament, but of course no one hears. no one hears anything i say (not that they want to), because it's a mix of lithe and ecstasy and susurrus and ennui and everything else that cannot be fathomed by words. no one wants to hear what i say. i try to fix it but i can't.

what i see is a mix of celadon and turquoise and violet and crimson and tears - and it won't stop there. no, it won't stop just there. i hear words like cellar door, celladora, cinderella, cantarella, cantabile, cacophony, and yet, i can't seem to grasp what they truly mean. and then i hear duende hitherto enigma pulchritude svelte nocticulent ceruscate aureole and then it continues forever - it continues on and on and on (and believe me, it never ends) and i just stand there in the crowd, murmuring those words over and over again, until they lose their meaning, and it just becomes a flurry of jointed syllables.

and then after a nychthemeron, i crawl into bed (where i feel the most safe) but then - a sudden nightmare comes tumbledown to my mind and - and i shriek and gasp for help (for anything - anyone) but then my eyes screw shut, and i fall down into the deep black abyss of sleep, and then i become a monster - who just dilapidate everything i wish for. i become a lackadaisical monster, the monster who has (excessive) hubris and whose blasé and decadence.

(it's not that i want to be like that)

but then the demon seeps to my reality and it taints everything - it taints everything i do, everything i have, everything i wish and yearn for. reality becomes cathartic and glaucous and i do everything in idiosyncrasy -  but my mind shrieks this is not me (and i still do that sometimes) - but i can't control what i do. i cannot control what the monster does.

(and here's another hint - the demon is me)

and i have no where to escape to; both reality and dreams (should i say nightmares) becomes a prison and i cannot, i repeat, i cannot stand such spaces. i'm clausthrophobic, i'm athychipobic and i'm atelophobic, i can't, i won't, and i willn't (i emphasize never). i push people away, i distrust and detach and doubt everything from me, i'm an outcast and i'm just like that.

(the words come again)

cellar door, celladora, cinderella, cantarella, cantabile, cacophony, duende hitherto enigma pulchritude svelte nocticulent ceruscate aureole, inexorable, aspectabund, ennui halcyon conflagration lithium verisimilatude, atrabilous morosis pulchritude celadon scripturient noctilucent dearth penultimate -

and i scream those words again, slurred and jagged, and i was thrashed and turned and clawed and askewed and obscured and deleted and pierced and ripped (i admit, it hurts badly) and corrupted and slashed apart.

part

by

part

and it hurts so badly. i wanted to shriek for help, but then the demon silenced me and i fell into phantasmagoria again - i fell into place, where everything just fits peacefully and serenely and all those beautiful words - ethereally, mirifically, elysianly, and everything - everything becomes numb, and i just sit there, smiling in the blind happiness i felt - when the demon just mocks me away just takes everything away.

(i don't make sense i know)

and then suddenly, i just paint, i just make everything chiaroscura -  and i feel like i found something - maybe it's habseligkeiten. i don't know, i just feel everything that makes me smile, and all those euphoria just burst and just makes everything pulchritude.

and then an

enigma.

everything died down, and i just sit there like a forgotten doll - and reality seeps on my skin -  it hurts so badly help me i can't bear it anymore please just free me from this torture - and then all the happiness drains, and i'm numbed, and i just can't feel anything -  i just can't.

but people can feel right?

and then it suddenly hits me 

i'm not people

i break down to a lachrymose and i can't stop the tears from leaking - it's distorted, i know, but i find tears very svelte and gossamer. i aubaded myself into the night's air, and the sobs shook my body, and the demon smirks and taunts me with it's smirk and i can sense everything blackening out - and again, repeatedly,

i tumbledown into another nightmare.

suddenly i'm in the sky. i can feel the zero-gravity, and i squeal like a child, i scooped the stars and i just started to asterismos everything - and then with a weeping realization (seriously, i really broke down), the stars died in my hands, it combusted, and it conflagrated.

so i just floated there, staring at the galaxies and nebulas and clusters - wondering why am i here, why am i like this.

i went to an emotional turmoil - i just laughed, and then in the next second, i just broke (and to this second, i still don't know why), and the demon just laughed at me for being so pathetic. memories flood down and i remembered everything - i remembered why i did all of this, why the demon (me) did this to myself.

i didn't want reality.

i start to wail like a baby, kicked my feet, thrashed around and screamed this is not what i wanted but then the realization dawns on me - (of course) outer space has no air to breathe in, and my voice was crippled to dust. then i remembered - i cannot breathe.

i suffocated, and then suddenly, gravity pulled me to earth again - it burns it stings it pains the scorching atmosphere hurts so badly - i groaned in pain and somehow i felt euphoria (because i know people are watching me from the horizon), but then my back thudded something soft that smells like home.

(i woke up.)

(i really did.)

(i don't make sense.)

(the world never makes sense.)

and then i forget.