i'm sorry.

I've said them before, but I think I never meant it more than I do now.

I screwed things up, I'm stupid, I don't deserve you, I love you, but most of all, I'm sorry.

These things aren't said for one person, but for two. A pair of friends. Two people that probably hate me, and one I wish that didn't.

To the first person, I'm sorry.

I never meant for things to get out of hand. I didn't mean to lead you on, to make you think that ther was a chance of something happening between us. We're friends, and that's the only thing we'll ever be.

The thing is, I don't understand.

You knew I liked him, you knew it was since the beginning of the year, and yet you still fell for me? I know falling for a person is beyond someon'es control, but honestly, what did I do? I treated you liked I treated all my friends. I was sarcastic, I was a little mean when teasing and I apologized afterwards, I talked about my K-Pop obsession, I said whatever came to mind. I didn't give you any special treatment. I didn't treat you better than my other friends. I'm not a person worth falling for, so why did you?

Don't say it was because I'm different, because even if I am from the other preppy girls in your class, it's not reason enough, and it makes me wish I wasn't. Because maybe if I was normal, or maybe if I was a little more girlier and thinner and outgoing, things wouldn't be the way there are. Maybe I would have been able to stop this before it happened, or maybe you and him would have hated me quicker. Still it's better than knowing I hurt you.

I was a jerk, I was an asshole, I was the shittiest person ever to you, and I'm can't say it enough. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The guilt is eating me alive. I'll admit, I started crying after our conversation. Actually, during the conversation. It wasn't my first time rejecting somoeone, but it was different because I knew you. You were my friend. We shared a lot of common interests, including my favorite group. You wre sos sweet and nice to me. We had a great time in Washington. But I think mostly because I did lead you on by accident, when I agreed to dance with you at the Luncheon, and I realized it was a mistake when I thought about him instead of you.

Can you ever forgive me? Or is the damage that has been done too deep?

Everyone tells me I did the right thing. It was better than lying to you. I do agree, but I wish I would have been less open about my crush on him. He should have stayed out of the conversation, it was only between me and you, but I couldn't help telling you that I liked him instead of you, and when you continued talking about him, I couldn't ignore it.

I should have never asked if you liked me. I wanted to avoid your confession. Wasn't that the reason I asked Diana to walk with me home so we wouldn't be left alone? Yeah, it was. So tell me, why did I still ask you? Simple, I fucked this up. I don't think. I act without thinking. Maybe I deserve the guilt, but you don't deserve the pain. I think you should have continued to ignore me after we had out first talk about him. It would have been better than this. I wouldn't have broken your heart, and you wouldn't have had your heart broken.

Don't think that just because I don't see you as something more than a friend I don't care about you. I'm going to miss you a lot after graduation, and especially since you're moving away. Before that, please talk to me. Let me know that it's okay. I don't want to have this tension between us. I'm clawing my head, hating and cursing at myself for doing this to you. I promised myself if we did have that conversation, I wouldn't hurt you, but that's exactly what I did and you don't know how much it hurts me as well.

"I'm out alreadly I can't fucking take this anymore" When I read those words from the screen of my phone, I felt like my heart had dropped to the floor. I wanted to die at that moment, I wanted someone to kill me because I deserved it. Overreacting? Great possibility, but that's only because I care. I'm a sensitve person and I care more about people than I show.

I'm sorry.

I can't say that enough.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

To the second person, I don't even know what to say to you. I don't know how much you know about the situation, ot even if I like you. I'm in no position to ask you this because I hurt your best friends, but please, don't hate me. I don't think I can handle it if you do. And also, don't feel guilty. I liked you way before he started liking me.

I wnated to confess to you on Monday, because it was my birthday and the last day before graduation. I thought that since I've never see you again, you might as well know the basic feeling I have towards you. I'm a shy person, and I stutter a lot and I get nervous easily and I flush terribly and I start to tremble from my hands. I knew I couldn't say it verbally to you, so I decided I would write it out on a piece of paper and hand it to you before school ended Monday so on Tuesday, I would know your answer. If you ignored me as usual, it was a no. If you talked to me, there was a chance.

I remember my heart was pounding while I was drafting what I would going to write. I was nearly done before I stopped writing. I don't know what to write. I didn't know how to much to write. Should I confess entirely? How I get butterflies for the first time when we hold eye contact for more than a second? How I thought about you every single day? How I missed you so much during the Washington trip? How I thought of you when I danced with him? How much I love you?

Well it doesn't matter now. I'm not going to write it anymore and hand it to you. How could I? I rejected your best friend and I hurt him, if I do that then it would be the biggest slap to the face to him. I can't be selfish enough to do that. After all, I did cause him to confess, I should suck it up and deal with the consequences.

But does that mean I can't feel that pain? I can't feel like dying because I know I wasted a whole year and I've only spoken five things to you? I can't be hurt because I love you and I know you'll never love me back? I can't cry because once I find true happiness, it gets taken away? Tell me, why is it so wrong to love you? I can't even tell if it's right or wrong to love you. I don't know anything at the moment but sadness. Pure, pure sadness.

I've tried so hard over the course of the year to stop liking you because I knew nothing would ever bloom out of it. I tried liking others, even my old crush for two years. But guess what? I didn't. I stayed with you for reasons I couldn't decipher until recently. I was in love with you.

My mood depended on you. If I didn't see you in school, I would feel a little down. Even if it was just for a second, I would feel content and happy for that moment. Every time we locked eyes, I had the urge to smile and my heart did little flip flops. Whenever you pass by me, my anxiety seems to arise, a small flicker of hope telling me you might look at me or talk to me, but you never did.

Do you remember those times when you would play UNO during recess with me and my friends? How it came to the point where when your class was first and you grabbed the cards and was ready for us? I think those days where the second I regret the most. You were sitting next to me at one point. I had the perfect chance to talk to you, to start a friendship, but did I? No, because I'm a stupid insecure girl. Your dazzling smile shocked me and my leg started shaking. I was that nervous. Now even when I liked Maury did I feel that nervous, and I liked him for a years. I remember when you were sitting down once I smiled and said hello. I didn't expect you to smile, but that moment you looked at me and flashed me the smile I grew to love, I swear it was like I fell in love all over again. I can't say you're an angel, but you're beautiful and your imperfections seems perfect to me.

I still remember the first time I saw you smile. It wasn't directly at me, but while you were smiling you looked at me as you passed by with a friend and I was stunned. When I saw you upclose for the first time, I nearly froze in place. How could someone so perfect be in my school?

I remember a lot of things, mostly because they're of you. One time during chess practice I was standing near a desk, waiting for others to put away their sets. Then I saw you coming near me since I was close to the sets and I looked away, feeling weird. But we made eye contact like three times and the final time my heart could not take it anymore and I moved away to hide my smile. I thought about that for weeks, wondering why you would look at me.

Do you remember? Can you recall all those times in the begining of the year you would constantly look at me? What happened? Did I do something wrong? Did you find someone else to look at? Did you realize I was a just a short, weird girl from the gifted class? Why did you start giving me mixed signals? And why did you all together stop giving me hope? Was it because of him?

Just answer me this, did you like me before?

If you did, then can we go back to the time? To start? To the beginning? To when we first laid eyes on each other?

I don't know what's going to happen anymore with me, you, and him, but I hope to God it's not bad. I'm loosing sleep, my muscles are aching, I feel like shit, I'm getting more upset by the days, and for what? A small problem? Or does it mean more because you're both moving away and I'm never seeing you two again?

Tuesday is coming closer than I would like it too, and I just want both of you to know I'm sorry.

From the bottom of my heart, I regret everything, and I'm truly sorry. I'm so, so sorry.