You want a mess like me

He's going to be mad.

I always mess things up. I don't know how, I don't know-

"AMY!" My fingers curl even tighter, my nails digging into my palms. "What the hell?!" He stomps into the room.

I stare at him, waiting for him to make his next move.

"How did you freaking forget to pick up the paperwork again?! I'm tired of this. I can't believe-"

That's it.

"I can't believe."

He doesn't want me anymore. He can't see a world with me in it. I'm just a temporary fixture, something he has to deal with until he meets his ultimate future, the one he has always dreamed of.

They always leave me here, feeling useless, incomplete, unwanted. Why did I expect him to be different?

When he finally leaves, his words droned out to the background, I grab my trusty polar bear bag from my closet. Ever since the first two wanted me out, I've always been prepared. The bag suits me well. Polar bears move and find a new home when the ice melts and leaves them no room to stand.

In an hour, I'm done packing. I look around in the hallway. He's nowhere to be seen.

Good. I don't want to explain.

I slip on my shoes and walk on out. I leave the keys he gave me on the hall table. I walk past the car we used to share, heading for the metro station.

I'm a mess.

No one wants a mess.

*

"Here Amy, take a bite."

"Susan, we're not allowed to take merchandise." I continue wiping down the counter. The counter like at his place. I bite my lip as I remember. Everytime I leave and save them the trouble, the memories come back and try to make me reconsider. But I don't. I know how to get rid of the temptations. I changed my phone number and I told no one that we both know. It's a precaution I always take.

"You have that sad look on your face again. We have to make you take your medicine. Come on." My blonde co-worker aims the piece of chocolate cake towards my mouth.

I smile and relent. The bittersweet taste reminds me of the chocolates he used to bring me. His husky voice when we talked late at night.

He deserves better.

"See? That wasn't so hard," she cooes as she tosses the fork to the sink.

I move towards the sink. "Isn't it about time you get back to manning the register?"

"You little good girl," she teases.

I shake my head as she walks out of the kitchen. I wash the fork and suds appear. That time we had a bubble fight when washing the dishes...

I take in a deep breath and finish cleaning the dishes. I can't dwell on the past. What's done has been done.

I hear the door swing open behind me. "Susan, I thought you promised to man the register!" I call out playfully as I wipe my hands on a towel.

"Amy."

I know that voice.

I slowly turn around. "Hi."

"Why did you leave me?"

No. Why is he asking? Why did he find me? No one has before. "I..." I swallow. "I knew it was time to leave."

"Why?"

"It was obvious you didn't want me around. That I was just part of the present. That I could be tossed aside and you wouldn't care..." I close my mouth as my eyes water. I know he's going to walk away after knowing the truth. There's no way-

"Amy, no," he breathes out as he comes closer. Soon, he has me captured as he wraps his arms around me. I should feel trapped, but I feel comforted. A warm feeling that I shouldn't be allowed to have comes up my throat. I fight to keep my arms at my side.

"I dream of you being by my side," he continues to say, his voice vibrating off his chest into my body, making his words touch my soul. "I can't imagine a future without you, even without your mistakes. I want to be by your side, good and bad, even if I feel like fighting you, because I want to fight for you. My world shattered when you left, because reality seemed to become a lie. Please, come back to me Amy. Please."

Someone who wants a mess like me? No. I always run.

But it seems like he's always willing to run after me.