The Start and End

It doesn’t seem possible that life can go on and the world can just continue in its everyday routine. The air appears to smother me and makes me feel like I’m drowning, unable to take a breath of the oxygen that surrounds me as if teasing me.

It’s been more than a year since Tina has disappeared. More than a year since she deserted me. She was my best friend, my roommate, my support but what was more important, what was the most painful, was the fact that she was my sister. Tina had disappeared one day; she had disappeared and had never come back. I didn’t know what happened to her back then and neither do I now. She was the person who I trusted the most in the entire world.

Whenever we were at school, she would be my support, the person that I could always count on. Tears fall from my eyes as the emotions run through me, leaving me breathless again and again. Frustration, anger, sadness, loss and regret, I have been haunted by my own thoughts and the memories of my sister that I might have called precious a thousand years ago. I didn’t trust anyone, my parents didn’t even try to help me get over it but it doesn’t seem that they themselves could get over it. I see them going through their daily routines like every other day but without emotion.

I haven’t seen my parents smile even once since my sister’s disappearance. They could appear to be ghosts or empty shells of people but they are still trying their best to act normal so that they won’t attract any more attention from our friends and family.

“Nana, could you please hurry up?” my mother opened the door to my room and poked her head in, “school’s about to start.” I groaned and then sighed. I didn’t want to go but there was no choice, school had changed for me. From a place for education to a prison where I was segregated from the rest of society but regardless, I had to get up and go. I went to a private school and I can tell you first hand that the students there are just like the stereotypes except for a few people here and there but otherwise, everyone is snobby and full of themselves.

The nicest of the snobs are always talking about their own friends behind their backs or even worse, in front of them. I’m quite certain that everyone knows that they have been the topic of the school’s gossip and rumours at least several times but it is impossible to stop the rumour mill completely but at least you can alter the message at will. Notes and letters get passed along the classrooms and there is no way that the teachers can stop it. It has almost become our school’s own tradition but it is a student’s only sort of thing.

I lived close to the school in my uniform and like everyone else; I was wearing the compulsory school uniform. Our school’s colour was a very dark blue that it almost seemed black, male students are to wear the fitted trousers, white collared shirts and the fitted jacket, the entire ensemble made the students look like they were wearing suits, especially with the ties. Female students on the other hand, are to wear either white knee high socks or black stockings as well as tailored skirts. The shirt and jacket are just the same as the male students except for a few alterations to suit the gender.

As I was also a female, this was exactly what I was wearing. I made my way to class along with the several hundred other students. The bell rang warning us to get our books and the sound of lockers slamming shut echoed along through the hallways. I saw students in uniform dashing left and right into their classrooms but I just slowly made my way through the crowd. I wasn’t looking forward to homeroom or the rest of the school day for that matter. As most of the student body knows, I was easily bullied and they all took advantage of it.

Tina had a charismatic aura about her and everyone treated her with respect but they weren’t scared of her, Tina was a social butterfly, there wasn’t a person that she didn’t know, nor was there a person who didn’t know her. She was kind and funny, beautiful and cunning. All of the things that I wasn’t. Now that she is gone, I am reduced to being a ‘nobody’; I didn’t have any friends who hadn’t been Tina’s friend first so they were basically friends of a friend or in my case, friends of a sister. I snapped out of my thoughts to find myself standing directly in front of my classroom’s door. I hesitantly placed my hand on the door and slid it open to find my entire class looking at me.

A few of the boys smirked at me whilst the girls turned to their friends and started whispering loudly. My teacher, Ms Renald, nodded and told me to take my seat. “Alright class, quiet down already.” She waited for complete silence and then continued on with the class. I did my best to ignore the hushed voices around me but I couldn’t prevent some of the cruel comments from reaching my ears.

See? She’s the teacher’s pet; they don’t even do anything when she’s late. A few of the girls weren’t being subtle in their gossiping and it was probably true that the teachers treated me differently from everyone else. I wasn’t sure if I’d have preferred them to treat me like everyone else or not but frankly, I just didn’t care. It took me a while but I did get used to being bullied or rather, an outcast to them.

In some ways I might have also been an outsider. Although there isn’t a single person that I believe to want to actually be my friend, if someone was being polite and went through the effort of inviting me to go somewhere with them, I would most likely refuse and then continue on with my lonely life. I was surprised after class when I opened my locker to put away my books, a small letter that was folded into a small rectangle fell out.

I picked it up off the floor and slipped it into my pocket. I looked around suspiciously for any potential pranksters but there seemed to be no one who had seen me. I shut my locker and rushed to the nearest bathroom. All of the stalls were empty so I slipped into one of them and shut the door. I was being precautious because I had gotten letters before and they had all been insults from anonymous people.

Curiosity got the best of me each and every single time because I always ended up opening them and reading them. The letter was folded neatly unlike any of the other ones; they had been scrunched up into small paper balls. That was the main reason why I had been so curious about this one. I opened the letter and read the neat, cursive writing. To: Nana, I’m sorry that I can’t tell you my name but I’m sure you know me from around anyway, don’t worry, I am on your side and this letter is not meant to be an insult in any way.

You may not know but there are actually many people who are against you being bullied and sympathise you. Please do not think badly of them, they are just afraid that thy will also get bullied. Look closely and you will find that the support is all around you. I’m sorry about your family’s situation. We can meet up if you want, I and a few others, will wait for you at the back of the school at four o’clock.

Don’t fret: there won’t be anyone there to bully you. If you find yourself unable to trust us enough to come we won’t judge you but we will certainly wait for you in hopes of giving you our support. Your support, Us. The letter was intriguing in the least, the person had been somewhat supportive but I was still an outsider. They too didn’t want to get involved and I didn’t blame them but it was nice to know that there were other people around me.

Our school days finished at three and I believed that there wouldn’t be anyone around at four so I trusted that it would be safe. I was somewhat sceptical about meeting them but I had to at least know who these people are. After school, I went to the meeting place but took care to hide myself where I could see who would come but they were unlikely to see me. I heard voices getting louder and laughing and I recognised some of the voices from the hallways in class.

Faces came into view and I smiled; my secret supporters were Tina’s friends. They still considered me as a friend? I slowly crept out of my hiding place and was immediately spotted by one of the girls. “Nana, you actually came!” Ashley rushed over to me and gave me a bear hug.

“I was worried that you wouldn’t get my letter!” she squealed in happiness and released me. She, Henry, Luke, Molly and a few other people were gathered together and they all gave me their support and it was at that moment that I realise that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t an outsider or a complete outcast.

I was actually appreciated and my lack of friends wasn’t due to the fact that they were all only my friends because of Tina. “Thank-you.” I whispered.

We continued our lives just like this; we would ignore each other in school but would always meet up at some place that we all had access to. Although we didn’t talk in school, I started to notice the way that they looked at me in the eye and then nodded. I felt amazing to be appreciated but it was also quite sad that I didn’t have any ‘full-time’ friends. Regardless, it helped me to dull the pain of losing my sister but every day it got just a little t better.

I am not an outcast, I am an outsider but I am an outsider by choice.