01

I’m the kind of girl who you would see hanging out with the semi-popular kids.

                You can recognize me and label my face with a name; and perhaps, you can even delve deep into your folds of your memories for a story that we both share and relate to. You may occasionally catch my name if someone asks me to a school dance, or you may hear my voice at school assemblies, giving speeches to our classmates.

                I had friends, a family, and every so often, a boy fling.

                My life wasn’t too bad – at least appearance wise.

                But ever since I was twelve, there was a secret that no one, not even my family, knew of.

                I’m a recovering bulimic.

                The doctors generally call my condition, bulimia nervosa. It’s sometimes paired with anorexia nervosa. Together, they’re regarded as the two leading eating disorders. Teens from all over the world are suffering from these cases; I’m not alone.

                Disorders – isn’t it an ugly, horrific word? Imagine that ugly, horrific word following you for the rest of your life. You can’t, can you?

                 My name, my personality, my identity is tainted with that ugly, horrific word. I can’t seem to escape this hole, because it seems as if everyone who I meet judges me because I have a disorder. None of you understand how people with disorders feel. There’s nothing wrong with us – physically at least. But because of your degrading looks, we hate ourselves even more for having a strange condition – it’s all because we’re not like everyone else.

                But he didn’t look at me strangely. He didn’t run away from me.

                Instead, he held me in his arms and said that everything will be okay.

                He understood me, unlike everybody else. Myungsoo, how I wish to see you again…

****

September 2007

                I come back every day from school, my heart bruised with scornful words.

                It’s because of my appearance, isn’t it? Nobody talks to me because they’re afraid they’ll be seen with me – the fat girl. Is there any way I can stop them from bullying me? I want to lose weight, and I want to lose weight fast.

                I need food, but I can’t eat either. Can there be a tangible solution for me?

October 2007

                I tried out this process last night – if I eat a lot and then throw it back up, I won’t lose weight!

                Perhaps I should do this more often.

December 2007

                This method really works! I feel like I’m getting skinner by the second!

                I’ve been running lately too, and it seems to me as if my classmates have been noticing the change of my appearance as well! It seems as if they like talking to me now! This method is life-changing.

February 2008

                I keep a tub in my room and locker. I don’t go to the bathroom as often anymore. I think my parents and classmates will be suspicious if I keep going to the bathroom. As long as I remember to throw away the tubs’ contents out every so often, there shouldn’t be bugs right?

                It seems to me as if my parents have noticed the change in my weight as well. They’re worried for my health. But why? I’m losing weight healthily. They should not be interfering with my matters. Had they not stuffed my face when I was younger, I wouldn’t have gotten so fat. But now I’m shedding off pounds and I feel so happy.

May 2008

                I forgot to take out the tub for the past two months. When I was at school, Umma saw cockroaches in my room. Eventually, those pests led her to discovering my tub. You wouldn’t believe how mad she got! I honestly don’t see the problem in this method, but clearly she does. What does she know about teenagers nowadays? I’m thirteen now. I’m old enough to take care of myself.

                Right?

June 2008

                Wrong. Umma and Appa were genuinely worried for me, but I see no point in stressing over unnecessary things. They took me to Dr. Lee today. She was worried as well. Why does it seem as if everyone is against me? I’m just doing this to make myself feel better – why is it viewed so negatively?

                Umma and Appa looked so burnt out when they came back. They can’t even talk to me normally. They talk to me as if I’m still three years old. I’m actually thirteen and a half. I don’t want to go to the doctor tomorrow, but they said I have to. Are my opinions invalid to them?

****

                Dr. Lee suggested I go to her hospital’s psychological therapy camp. She says it’ll make me feel better and that I’ll make a bunch of friends in there. But problem is, I don’t feel bad or anything. Why would it make me feel better when I’m already fine?

                I’m fine, right?

July 2008

                When I could be out with my friends at the mall, I was at the therapy camp. Every weekday, my mom would drop me off at the hospital and pick me up two hours later. To be honest, it was pointless. Doctors and adults – who supposedly had problems like us – came every single day to talk about our problems. Some kids don’t listen – what do you expect? We’re kids. We’re supposed to be reckless and rebellious.

                I haven’t made any friends either. I just sat there for two hours every day, with my life ticking by slowly…

                I don’t barf as often nowadays, but I still do it – secretly, though.

                My parents don’t trust me anymore because I have an eating disorder. It's not my fault. It really isn't...