03

July 2014

                “I have to go to the hospital today,” I tell my mom from the living room. She’s chopping garlic in the kitchen right now, but I know she can hear me. Ever since my incident six years ago, she’s developed a keen sense of hearing.

                “It’s not even your day to go! Aren’t you going to hang out with Suzy and Jiyeon today?”

                Right. My friends and I arranged to meet up before they both left for vacation.

                Before I can answer, my phone situated on my stomach vibrates twice. I look at my buzzing phone. “Are we still up for today?” Two messages from two different people appear on my phone. I quickly unlock my phone before replying to one of the recipients. Sorry, I can’t make it today! I forgot I had to go to the hospital today. Let’s meet up before school starts.

                “The meet-up is canceled,” I scream. “I’m going to go to the hospital.”

                Before my mom can even respond, I’m already out of the house with car keys in hand.

                I see the beaten Honda civic when I get to the hospital parking lot. There’s an empty space beside it. I turn into the space with much ease. The driver of the Honda civic is already waiting for me.

                “Your parking skills have improved,” he says with a smirk evident on his face. If only I could rub that arrogant smile off his face – that would really make my day. Then again, without a smirk, he wouldn’t have a trademark. I’ll wipe off his smirk another time.

                I get out of my car. “Shut up, Mr. Dental Textbook,” I respond with a faint smile on my lips.

                “Hey, that’s not how you treat your date for the day,” he feigns offense.

                “Remind me, why did I even say yes to you?” I pretend to be annoyed.

                “Because you think textbooks are pretty attractive.” He winks in my direction. As I near his car, he opens the passenger door open like a true gentleman would. But don’t be tricked – Kim Myungsoo was a sly fox who couldn’t be trusted.

                “Gross. I’m going to barf.”

                “I believe that much, so I’ll have to take my wink back I guess,” Myungsoo says as I slide into the passenger seat. He shuts the door before nearing the open window. “I want something in return though.” Myungsoo swivels his head so that I am facing his cheek. He patiently taps on it. I sigh before I stick my head out of the window. Just as my lips near his face, I lightly slap his cheek with my hand.

                “Get in the car, Kim Myungsoo.” I settle myself back into the leather seat. “You’re wasting precious time right now.”

                “Pft, it’s not like I wanted you to kiss me with your grandma teeth anyway,” he quietly – but loud enough for me to hear – mutters.

                I raise my fist, but he has already slipped away. “Freaking b.astard,” I shake my head.

                He’s sly as a fox and slippery as a fish, I tell you.

                “Are you being serious right now?” I glance at Myungsoo. He looks as serious as ever, if not, he looks even sterner. We’re parked on the curbside of a deserted kid’s playground. It looks like it’s going to rain, mainly contributing to the lack of children. I click my tongue, aggravated. Seoul weather in the summer was surely unpredictable. One moment it could be sunny as ever, and another moment it could be cloudy and be pouring dogs and cats.

                “If you’re implying that you’ll get wet, that takes out all the fun of this adventure. I didn’t ask you out because I thought you would be a bore,” Myungsoo casts a sideways glance at me before smiling brightly. He always knew how to push my buttons.

                “I hate you so much, Myungsoo.”

                “No, you don’t,” he responds confidentially.  I childishly huff in despair.

                He’s always right.

                We danced in the rain, imitating those seen in several k-dramas. It was supposed to be romantic; it was anything but that. Neither of us was capable of waltzing around in the park without tripping on our own feet or the other’s feet. In the end, we fell to the ground with puddles everywhere. Falling down, I started laughing.

                “This is a new experience for me. I can’t see I like it nor do I despise it.” Myungsoo smiles but doesn’t say anything in response. With the rain still pouring, I flip over and glance at Myungsoo intently.

                “How long have you had depression?” I honestly was curious about this. It’s been bugging me ever since we’ve been going out, which hasn’t been too long of a time frame. After the second therapy camp visit, we both became closer and exchanged phone numbers. Eventually, he asked me out after the third time seeing each other. I readily agreed – I wanted to know more about Myungsoo as a person, so I decided to give him an opportunity. It’s been close to a week or so since we’ve been going out, but to me, it’s felt like a lifetime. Every day was filled with a new adventure that would forever be imprinted in my mind.

                Myungsoo says thoughtfully, “Ever since I was little. I think it was about when I was ten did I begin to inflect self-harm on myself.” He scoffs.  

                I don’t say anything – I don’t know what to say. Heavy silence falls between us.

                “What about you then? How did you get about with that eating disorder of yours?”

                I think back to when I was ten. At that time, all I cared about was eating. I partially blame my parents for this – they said I didn’t have enough to eat; after all, I was their only child. I was the center of their attention. And unfortunately, I happened to have my classmates’ undivided attention as well. They mocked me and scorned me for having the body of a high school football player. And eventually, the bulimia nervosa in me began to appear. To be honest, I was quite disgusted with myself back then. Deep down inside, I knew that barfing wasn’t the way to go. If I had to lose weight, I should have lost it healthily and definitely not by jamming fingers down my throat to trigger my gag reflex.

                “I was obese back then,” I say softly. “I thought it was the easiest way to resort to. It made me feel better about myself. It was as if I was just throwing up my pounds. I thought that if I continued to barf, my classmates would like me.” Again, a pregnant pause fills the empty pockets of air before Myungsoo speaks again.

                “My classmates saw my bruises and cuts. In the beginning, I was extremely self-conscious. Eventually, I just gave up. If they’re judging be, then so be it. I’m my own person. They’re not me. They don’t know the whole story but I do. I don’t need them pitying me, so I would much rather have them judge me instead.” What Myungsoo said was so right. Outsiders had the right to be curious. But what patients with disorders hated the most was pity. We didn’t need sympathy or any of that crap. We were much better off with them shooting us hasty glances.

                “You’re amazing, Myungsoo,” I finally say. I throw my arms around him.

                He smiles and returns the embrace.

                The rain stops.