To the End of Our Lives + Sadness

Sooyoung is first to rise after the slumber “party” in the middle of the SNSD dorm living room, in which six people had piled on top of Yoona and Taeyeon and fallen asleep like that. She smiles at Tiffany firmly nestled between the two with an arm around each of their necks to keep them close to her broken but strong heart. The tallest SoShi is sure that there’s some symbolism there in how Tiffany won’t let them go even to the point of allowing them to die trying. 

As ever since the loss of Jessica, she wills her tears not to fall, her eyes clinging as tightly to them as Tiffany is choking out YoonTae. She tries too not cry at how Yuri is behind Yoona, one arm around the younger member’s waist and the other holding an invisible head tucked under her own jaw. TaeNy have one each of their legs cocked around invisible hips while Sunny is strewn across Taeyeon’s back and holds hands perfectly with the invisible person while Yoona mirrors her exactly. HyoHyun cling to each other and hold another invisible person between themselves as well.

It is not the first time Sooyoung’s found her group mates like this since that fateful day. Nor herself. She looks down to her own arms wrapped tightly around someone who is not there. Irony weakly tickles her lips into a smile again. So you did not merely tear us apart, Sica-yah. We each hold a piece of you as well too. Will we ever stop being horcruxes for each other? Will our souls ever part without mess?  ...Will what gets broken ever break even?

Quietly, she sneaks into the room that she used to share with Jessica. She cannot stop herself from climbing into Jessica’s old bed even though she knows from experience that the smell is long gone. Many cold minutes later, she gets up with a sigh to kneel by the bed. She reaches under it and finds a single, unadorned file the Girls have kept through the years. Again, irony teases her. Of course all our memories lie with you though you are not here, Sica-yah.

Knowing the order by heart, she skims through the papers and pictures to find their first anniversary check-in and other random assignments from SM, or at least, from Manager-Unnie, she smiles wanly. She pulls out her own copies, brushes them with a light touch, and smiles even as tears slip down her face, again.

Anniversary check-in: In as few words as possible, please tell us one thing you like about each member and one thing you dislike about each member. Work quietly and do not share answers or papers, Cheaters- <3 Manager. Unnie is not the boss of us! Oh, I am too, Choi Sooyoung!  Eek! Uhuhuhu kkkk LOL XD kkkk Ha Ha HA HA! Get back to work! :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O LOL Who stole Maknae’s pen? Not me Not me Liars GET BACK TO WORK! You all are to work in absolute silence!    -_- Stop with the salutes

Oh, Sica-yah. You are still my wife, and you are still my beloved. I won’t ever consider seriously thinking about something about you I don’t like. And I still want to be together to the end of our lives, she thinks before she takes the file out to her group mates.

Tiffany is already awake, as is Seohyun. “You still need to ...‘go,’ Soo. You’re the only one besides TaeTae who hasn’t written anything to Jessi- th-that we know of- and we need to keep sticking together and doing things as a group. ...I love you.” She smiles a bit nervously.

“Love you too, Fany-yah.” Taking a deep breath, Sooyoung plunges her hand into the pencil case Seohyun holds out to her but takes her time sifting around to feel for the word that best describes her. “Sadness.” ...Well, that’s definitely right...

Non-stealthily, Tiffany steals a peek. Her face pales as her hand gently but unbreakably holds Sooyoung’s wrist, likely to prevent her from bolting too. “Y-you can choose another one, Soo. You d-don’t have to-”

“I’m fine, my love.” The younger woman kisses the elder’s eyebrow.

Ducking her head, Sooyoung holds the scrap paper to her chest and turns to go back toward her old room. She spins halfway there, to the amusement of the other Girls who are watching her like hawks, to stop off at the fridge.

“You hungry?” Taeyeon is quick to offer to make something for her friend. 

“No,” the tall woman says, just about causing the eldest to pass out from shock. Smiling to herself, she reaches not for the door handle but for the pictures on the refrigerator. She traces them lightly before taking some off to bring with her to her room too. 

To further prepare to write the letter, she finds the English dictionary in her desk that Tiffany and Jessica gave her on one of her birthdays, both teasingly and because they knew her love of and skill in languages. Many of its pages are covered in her notes, some being transcribed explanations from JeTi.

Sooyoung opens the dictionary to the word ‘sad’ and goes straight to its etymology and word history. She reads, “From the Old English word sæd, which meant ‘full, having had enough.’ In Middle English, it also developed many other senses, such as ‘solid, weighty,’ and ‘sober, serious.’” Another, truer smile tugs at her lips. Hey Sica-yah, she thinks and then writes,

Remember when you and Fany-ah tricked me with the word “sad”? (It’s mine again, just so you know.) You two told me that it meant “pathetic” and “sorry” as well. I have examples right here in the dictionary you kids gave me: “That’s just sad!” and “What a sad state of affairs!” You did not tell me that “sad” is “sorry” only so as in “pathetic.” You got me to go around telling your high school friends and classmates, “I’m sad,” when I wanted to say “I’m sorry.” Curse Fany-ah’s guileless little face. Curse yours too. 

No, I could never curse anything about you. And this time I really am sad. And I am really sad. 

Not many people would know it, though. Just like not many people knew that you and I were are (?) good friends. I’m looking at all our ‘iconic’ pictures from the fridge and we are usually not anywhere near each other. In concerts and shows too we were rarely beside each other for more than a few seconds even in our dances.

Didn’t anyone know that that meant we were secure enough in our bond not to have to cling to each other all the time? ...Didn’t you know? Ah, I can’t ask that anymore.

‘Cling.’ Hmm, Everyone was clinging to you this morning, me included, though you are not here.

You are not here.

You are not here.

You are not here.

Ah, no matter how many times I see that written and see that you not with us, I still cannot accept it. It still is not real. I guess I am pathetic. But you already knew that, though you were one of the few people who never teased me about that. I don’t remember you teasing me much, not in public, anyway. Even though I teased you a lot. And when I went too far and felt your heart fall before I saw your face fall. ...I will tell you again: I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh Sica-yah, I am so sorry. I am sorry that I was never as strong as I pretended to be, as you made me feel to be. I am sorry that I am still a weak coward. I cannot follow you. I broke my promise. Me, a woman of so-called wise words and who always keeps my word, broke it. 

If one of us goes... one of us goes and that is all. I spoke the original catchphrase fully meaning it but not expecting it. I figured we’d never have to go anywhere because none of us would ever leave. I especially didn’t think you’d go anywhere, Lazy Girl. ...My J.  Divine. Indestructible. Backhug. Goodbye. Karma Butterfly. Our work always centered on you, featured you above most of the rest of us. How could SM just let you go? Why is the company so quick to let things fall apart, or break them apart? Why do they not see the value of things so precious? people so precious?— for you were never a thing no matter how much they or anyone else tried to make you into one.

You were much more rebellious when we were younger... me too, admittedly. Ah, the foolishness of youth. We watched our oppa groups lose members and felt sorry for them but knew that’d never be us. It didn’t cross our minds, and we crossed our hearts that we would always be together. We played a game without knowing it and then lost.

None of us picked up the pieces.

Maybe they are too heavy. “Sad” once meant “weighty,” which I think means “heavy,” right? Oh, Sica-yah, my heart is so heavy. I am so heavy. I, who am always teased for being a stick figure. I cannot lower my head because if I do, I will never be able to lift it again. I can barely move through the weights of sadness dragging me down.

We I must let you go because I didn’t work to keep you. I don’t deserve you. I’m not the only one who thinks that. I saw some comments on some our shows since... we... lost you. People wonder how I could be so unaffected, especially during “Divine” and “Indestructible,” when almost everyone else was visibly upset. I, who cries for CMs. If only they knew. 

I hoped you did not. I tried so hard not to show my true feelings because I knew you’d be watching. The others didn’t think you would. You never listen when people tell you not to do something; I know that better than anyone else does. But everyone knows that seeing another person cry makes you cry. I tried to be all that you thought I was. 

I was singing to you too. “It’s because of you; surprisingly, I like myself,” especially. There is no "maybe." I will never forget how hard you fought me, my family, the world, always, to tell me that I am beautiful. I hope you know how much that meant to me. Do you know how much you mean to me? Did I hide myself too well? Let me be more clear and open now.

In both songs, there is the message ‘we will face everything and come out stronger, closer, better. We will never give up.’ I will not cry. I cannot cry. Not for you. Because it’d be for myself. I will never lie to you, however unintentionally, again. I will become strong, more worthy of you. Fany-ah has a great plan for that too, you know. We want you to have something to come back to, if you so choose to return and give us another chance. (Please do. Please do.) One day you will see. I hope you do. Please have faith in us.  Faith... “Waiting for God’s will.” Let us be patient, unlike our visceral days of youth. I know that you don’t believe in Him, but He is with us. He is with you, if only you will accept His presence in your life. We want to be the same. Will you accept us again, Sooyeon-ah? 

I am not talking to Girls’ Generation’s Jessica or Blanc and Eclare’s Jessica. I am talking to you, Jung Sooyeon. The little girl inside of you, afraid of the world and afraid of herself. The one who raised me and the one whom I drew out of hiding so many times, whom I hope to coax out of her shell once more. Little phoenix rising from the ashes, ice burned away; you know why my member color has always been ice blue, don’t you? You know why I teased you about not looking up to you, don’t you? Not only because I am so tall now, Sooyeonie, but because I do not wish to be above you or below you but beside you. Please stand with us again. Even if it is in secret like you and I always were.

I love you to the end of our lives and back,

Sooyoung

PS: Yes, I peeked at Fany-ah’s letter. But half of that phrase was mine first. And I stole your pen to write this. Haha. If you don’t like it, then come do something about it. I’ll be waiting in our room.

PPS: I’m sad/ sorry (haha) that this letter is a mess. Like I said, I cannot think through this. I, of so many words, do not know what to say. You know that I like to consider what I want to say before I say it, no matter how candid I try to make my answers look, but I cannot process all that has happened, and can never happen now. I hope you can understand me. If anyone can, it’s you. I love you.