Contemplation

I am so tired so worn from the constant belief and so called life lessons from my parents where they have basically taught me that passion will just leave you hungry. That doing what you love will get you nowhere and to instead choose a life where you will be stable and the environment, luxurious, but I am utterly disgusted by the lack of faith they have in me and my future.

Why can’t I work in a job that radiates my potential in that skill and share it with others. I haven’t even tried yet, thus I have not succeeded or failed but they automatically think I will fail with no other leeway. That isn’t supportive if my definition is right. That is why in this family of three I feel so alone, so cold, so scared, so annoyed, so angry, and I have just lost faith in my parents.

I won’t allow them to control my life even though apparently they are doing what is the best for me. I understand that a job with stability is important and I will sacrifice my joy to make them proud with the career I choose, but I am still young so right now can’t I spread and refine my creative skills and do projects where I know I have the utmost potential? But, will they ever listen? No.

They never will and never have, it is the type of dictating mental disability they have where they just cannot see the human image and heart of the big picture. I am serious when I believe that if I continue with the heartless choices that they think I should do in my work instead of letting me complete what I have done my whole life where I just do what I feel is right, I will destroy my life either being mentally exhausted and physically drained where I will just give up and see the world in dull colors.

Its suffocating and oppressing when they set boundaries to the limitless potential of my little world. The air just can’t seem to pass anymore adding to the my blurry vision as I sense the tears that effortlessly fall. That is why I barely ever told them of my work and projects because I knew they would add input that would only dull my final product instead of edging and painting it with artistic maturity.

They never have helped me with my work before and if they have, they have always gotten frustrated with me because they never had the patience to deal with me, so when I lose my patience with them I don’t regret it for it is karma. It is what they deserve. Yes, they have showered me with all these material goods and money while saying that is what I need in life but truthfully I know that isn’t everything.

I do not want to be a slave for my work when I grow older which is what they’re setting me up for and I will sadly accept it but I still want to have a warm core passion. Because of them, I am so mentally scarred that I don’t trust anyone neither family or friends and never will. I will always rely only on myself so that no one will say what I can and cannot do. I just plead for now that they have the heart to let me write, act, and experience the moments I want to have.

I pray for them not to constrain and conform me because when they do, only anger, hate, and violence will ensue. However I fear they will never listen and my plea will remain as constant torments in my mind, a drama playing in an empty theater, a book never to be read, an essay never printed, and cries never heard. I fear that is what will become of me.