The Six-Million-Dollar Mimigas

CHAPTER 1: THE SIX-MILLION-DOLLAR MIMIGAS

 

There I was, me with my dorky brown Russian hat and my ridiculously oversized green-framed nerd goggles, still living in that crummy old floating sky island, about two weeks after that world-famous day when Quote, a nondescript humanoid robot who dresses like a Pokémon trainer, defeated Jenka's evil brother Ballos and saved our race of cloyingly cute, adorable and cuddly little rabbit people with giant drooping puppy ears from sure destruction.

 

And my name was...oh, you'll never believe what my name was. Come on, guess. Yup, you guessed right, my name was Jack. One of the most stupid and generic boys' names ever created, but I can live with having it. It's sort of like watching Tom Green try to be funny; it's annoying and lame, sure, but things could definitely be much worse.

 

One day, word spread that the Doctor, the main villain of Quote's adventure, had somehow returned from the dead, despite the fact that his body had been completely shattered into at least seventeen-and-a-half million pieces, like a mirror when our resident pimply sweaty fatso Mahin looks into it. I certainly wasn't buying it, but at this point, I pretty much just assumed that anything could happen.

 

Anyway, what you guys really wanna hear about is the robots and lightsabers, right? Well, speaking of which, I somehow managed to rebuild my brother King into a cyborg. The right half of his torso and face are metallic now, and the robotic half of his face has an ominously glowing red eye. Also, he even has a lightsaber now. That is freaking awesome.

 

Toroko, our vomit-inducingly sweet and adorable little sister, looks pretty much the same way as King does now, except...well...A LOT cuter, obviously. She now has a glowing pink panel to replace her right cheek.

 

As the theme song to The Six-Million-Dollar Man said, "We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the experience. We will make him better than he was before. Better, faster, stronger. And that man will be..." Well, obviously, you can see where this is going.

 

Anyway, King and Toroko and I were sitting at a campfire together in Grasstown, eating marshmallows on sticks.

 

"HA! Who needs matches when you've got HEAT VISION?" King laughed, referencing the fact that he had used his eye laser to light the fire.

 

"Tee hee! You're aww such adorable widdle cuties!" Toroko said ironically.

 

"So are you, Toroko, so are you." I sighed.

 

"Hey, does anybody wanna do the Chubby Bunny Chawwenge?" Toroko asked with a smile, blushing and giggling.

 

"Oh, GOD, no! Please! Not again! I BEG of you!" I begged her, getting down on my knees and praying to God that she wouldn't force me into doing this again.

 

Toroko started crying. "WHY WON'T ANYBODY PWAY WIF ME!?" she broke down into sobbing, with her glimmering, sparkly, beady little puppy-dog eyes in full force.

 

"Now look what you did, you made my little baby cry!" King scolded me. "Shame on you!"

 

"Hmph..." I thought to myself. "She is, like, 14, you know..."

 

Sure enough, King fed her a "cookie wookie" which luckily calmed her down.

 

"YAY! I WUV SWEETIE WEETIES! OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!" she squealed with joy, bouncing up and down with excitement and curling up into a big fuzzy fur ball as she nibbled on her chocolate-chip cookie like a little baby bunny, making ear-piercingly adorable squeaky noises while she did so.

 

"Well, if she says so, I guess I have to do it..." I groaned, taking a bag of marshmallows and stuffing them into my mouth.

 

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" Toroko fell over onto the floor laughing. "Look at the funny face! Look at his funny face! TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!"

 

"Vureh furneh..." I mumbled through all the marshmallows in my mouth, chewing them and swallowing them painfully while Toroko rolled on the floor and busted out into tears laughing; I have to admit, I wanted to punch her in the face so badly that it actually hurts me to think about it in retrospect.

 

"Aww, that's my sweet widdle princess." King complimented her, giving her yet ANOTHER fricking cookie and hugging her like a teddy bear before setting her back down right next to her actual teddy bear.

 

"King, COME ON!" I pleaded to him desperately, flopping down on my belly and clinging onto his legs. "Toroko's WAY too old to be THIS f****** cutesy-wutesy! For Christ's sake, just send her to boot camp or something! At least it'll teach her how to survive in the modern world for crying out loud!"

 

"You know what? You're right!" King realized. "This girl needs more than just potty-training! Speaking of which, I also need to stop feeding her so many goddamned sweets, as it gives her nasty tummy-aches!"

 

"But I WUV having yummy-yummy yummies in my chubby-wubby tummy!" Toroko whined. "Also, I don't wanna go to boot camp, I'm too scaiwed! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" she started bawling.

 

"Don't worry, it's okay, it's okay, daddy's here for you." King reassured her, hugging her and patting her gently.

 

"I'm sowwy..." she sniffled. "I just don't wanna die!!" she wailed.

 

"Don't worry, my dear, boot camp isn't so bad, I promise!" King informed her as she nuzzled his left ear. "Have fun, my little cupcake!"

 

"Goodbye, daddy!" Toroko waved goodbye as she walked off to boot camp.

 

ONE WEEK LATER...

 

"So, how was boot camp?" King asked.

 

"It was great, Daddy!" Toroko informed him happily. "I wearned how to skin innocent cweatures awive for food! See this cute widdle squiwwel here? Wook at what I'm about to do with it!"

 

"Awound and wound the flower farm, the bunny chased the squiwwel! The bunny thought 'twas all in fun! Pop! Goes the squiwwel." Toroko sang merrily as she cut the headless squirrel's guts out with a Swiss Army Knife and ate them raw, blood dripping down her chubby, fluffy, rabid face.

 

"Umm, are you sure this was a good idea?" King whispered into my left ear.

 

"Oh, don't worry, she's harmless! Well, to us, at least." I whispered back into his right ear.

 

"Alright, that's it, you asked for this!" King whispered back to me, putting his right index finger in his mouth and extending it up my ear canal. "EEW, stop it!" I wailed, flailing my arms up and down like a hummingbird.

 

"You win..." I sighed, dangling my arms down in front of me. "You know what? I'm sick of living on this island. Me thinks that there's considerably more adventure to be had! Why not try going down to the surface with me?"

 

"Sure!" King replied. "Let's just see if everyone else agrees!"

 

ONE DAY LATER...

 

"Okay, so, they all agreed to leave this place, but it looks like we're going to need the world's biggest orphanage building to hold even half of them all! The rest are going to have to become pets for the humans!" King informed me.

 

"Well, thankfully, we're floating less than a mile away from the world's biggest orphanage building! It's a freakin' skyscraper! WELCOME TO CHICAGO!" I informed him happily.

 

"Wait a second...so, all this time, we were floating above Chicago?" King asked confusedly.

 

"Yup. You heard right, pal." I replied. "What are you waiting for? LET'S GO ALREADY!"

 

"Hold on a second...uh, Toroko? Are you done eating the raw innards of those baby bunnies and kittens yet?" King asked Toroko.

 

"I sure am, Daddy! It was abso-wutewy DEE-WICIOUS!" Toroko squealed with satisfaction.

 

"Do you promise sincerely NOT to eat your fellow Mimiga children?" King asked her.

 

"I pwomish." Toroko agreed, washing her meal down with strawberry milk.

 

"Alright, everybody! Follow me to the magic elevator!" I commanded everyone as we all gathered, one load at a time, into the elevator.

 

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER...

 

There we were, six people, all tightly packed together inside the tiny little capsule-shaped elevator, heading slowly and painfully down to the Earth's surface.

 

"Ugh...good God, it smells like Mahin's ass in here!" I groaned.

 

"Get YOUR butt out of my FACE!" Sue, the blue-sweatered Mimiga girl who was actually a transformed human, growled at me.

 

"Quit shoving me!" King scolded me.

 

"It's getting REALLY hot in here!" Chako, the purple-furred, lipstick-wearing prostitute lady of the Mimigas, moaned. "SO hot, in fact, that I just might have to take off all of my clothing in a second!"

 

"GAHH!!!" I grunted as my nose suddenly started bleeding at the mere thought of it.

 

"Oh, you cheeky boy!" she teased me sassily, much to my chagrin.

 

"You damned whippersnappers remind me of that one damned time when I rode a damned unicycle through a damned cornfield in my damned undergarments!" Zett, the long-eared, crotchety, senile old man of the Mimigas, yelled bitterly at us.

 

"SAY WHAAAT?!" Megane, the male secretary of the Mimigas, responded in a falsetto voice.

 

"You just made that up!" Sue yelled at Zett.

 

"SILENCE!!!" King yelled, causing everyone to go silent.

 

"Thank God..." I thought to myself, pulling my hat down over my head and waiting for it to end.

 

"YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR DESTINATION. PLEASE EXIT NOW." the elevator informed us as we all tumbled out into a big pile of frail and exhausted bodies.

 

"WHEE! That was so much FUN! Can I do it again? PWEASE? PWETTY PWEASE? PWEASE PWEASE PWEASE PWEASE PWEEEASE?!" Toroko begged us excitedly; she had been waiting for us the whole time, apparently.

 

"Please kill me. Now." I begged King. "I'll give anything for you to just kill me. Even this." I promised him, licking his big, long, dirty, sweaty, bare feet from top to bottom and even sucking on his glorious toes a little bit while I still had the chance. "Mmm, those feet of yours taste royally scrumptious. Can I lick them some more?" I asked him.

 

"Perhaps later if I feel like it. That really tickles something fierce, by the way..." King replied, blushing. "Alright, Jack, you lead the way."

 

"Okay, so, the building is right over there next to the Blues Brothers statues. Come on, let's go!" I guided them as they followed me into the building.

 

We all filled out our registration forms and entered our rooms, with two people occupying each room. Everything seemed pretty nice and cozy for an orphanage home. There were good books, nice beds, and everything you would expect from a typical modern-day American home. Toroko and Sue were occupying the room next door to us.

 

Luckily, there were also computers, and our room had one of them. "We'll get to working on that thing later." I informed King as we both got into our bed together. Don't ever tell him this, but I also set up a hidden recording camera in the shower so that I could get a full-body, naked view of how he takes showers in his current state. Trust me, this was intended solely for research purposes.