War Of The Words

 

Back at the orphanage, we got all of our stuff together and prepared for the Doctor's uprising. I got my metal baseball bat and a garbage-can lid, and King got his lightsaber. All of the other 48 Mimigas in our army had...well, metal baseball bats and garbage can lids. 

 

Meanwhile, the Doctor, being an asshole show-off, was making Facebook posts about the "massive" 100-robot army he had accumulated.

 

"HA! Whaddaya you gonna do, shoot wimpy-ass lasers at us? What is this, frickin' Star Wars?" I taunted him through Facebook text messaging.

 

"Well...that, yes, but also...I have a giant MECH OF MYSELF! It even has my EARWAX!" the Doctor texted back boastfully, showing off numerous photos of it.

 

"Okay, we're fucked." King told me.

 

"Actually, if one of us can find a way to sneak inside one of that thing's ears while it isn't looking, we might be able to win this. The real question is, who will it be?" I wondered.

 

Turning around in my swivel-chair, I realized that every single Mimiga in the room (there were like 20 of them) was staring straight at me. "Oh, god DAMN it..." I groaned, hanging my tongue out in disgust. "Well, if I can wax a Corvette, I guess I can handle getting waxed with the Corvette logo on my hat..." I thought to myself.

 

"That man fingered me wight in my va-jay-jay!" Toroko wailed.

 

"He murdered me and nearly drove my brother to suicide!" King growled angrily.

 

"He turned me into an Internet porn star!" Sue sobbed.

 

"He didn't even pay me after sleeping with me!" Chako whined.

 

"He called me OLD MAN!" Zett yelled, readjusting his cane and tripping over his own beard.

 

"And we're going to kick. His. Bespectacled. Ass." I concluded. "NOW LET'S GO! CHARGE!!!"

 

And so my army, including King, charged into action. The robots were indeed quite weak; they were only a foot taller than us and were about the same model as Quote, with almost no close-range combat ability or physical strength whatsoever. However, there were a lot of them, and we were outnumbered.

 

Luckily, King and Toroko were wrecking shop. As I climbed up to the roof of the orphanage skyscraper, I called Toroko on my walkie-talkie and asked her something that was on my mind.

 

"What do you plan to do with the Doctor's robot hospital and day-care?" I asked Toroko as I stepped out onto the roof.

 

"I donated a whole bunch of cute, cuddly widdle teddy Mimigas to them. The catch is, THEY'RE AWW WIGGED WITH NAIWS AND EXPWOSIVES!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!" Toroko laughed maniacally.

 

Hanging up, I grinned with satisfaction as I watched those two buildings explode and collapse off in the distance. "I enjoy brutally slaughtering opposing armies of innocent people." I thought to myself. "It's like a good Chinese dinner, ya know? With the sweet, and the sour?"

 

"As I smile with delight, watching the world of the sinners burn like hell on a summer day...of course, that's the sweet! And as they scream for their fucking lives...well...that's the sour." I concluded, popping open a Jack Daniels beer bottle and chugging it down, because...well, you know, because I'm Jack. Duh.

 

"Hey, what are you doing?" Misery asked me as she levitated in midair, having suddenly appeared out of nowhere to face me. "Shouldn't you be fighting?" 

 

"Oh, no, I'm the guy who's supposed to watch over all of the fighting. Pretty boring job, I know." I replied. "But...you know, a nerd's gotta do what a nerd's gotta do."

 

"Hmm...good point." Misery agreed. "But you wanna know why I'm here?"

 

"Umm...you're here to help me?" I asked her curiously, shrugging.

 

"Nope! I'm here to KILL you." she reminded me rather abruptly. "Do you really think I CARE that the Doctor is a child molester, regardless of how comedically obvious it is? The Doctor is the closest thing to family I have left."

 

"But...I thought you were supposed to be a good guy now!" I stammered in shock.

 

"Looks can be decieving, pal." she replied.

 

"But...you ordered your former sidekick, Balrog, to rescue Quote and his wife Curly from certain death!" I argued with her.

 

"I only did that because I was feeling NICE!" she bit back. "You really think I LIKED those two? Those goody-goody two-shoes morons wouldn't know moral subtlety if it literally came and bit them in the ass!"

 

"Speaking of which...where IS Balrog?" I asked her.

 

"Right HERE, baby!" Balrog said, suddenly falling from the sky and landing on the roof, somehow not smashing through it with his sheer metallic weight. 

 

There he was; the one, the only, the legend. Balrog, in all of his memetic giant-toaster glory. "HUZZAH!!!" he beckoned to the heavens. 

 

"So, I heard you been smashin' s*** up and disobeyin' the orders of us proud self-respectin' bad guys." Balrog told me. "Are you ready to get FINGERED!?"

 

"OH, NO, we are NOT playing this freaking game again!" I told him. "Fight like a man or DIE!"

 

"Are you disrespectin' me?!" Balrog growled.

 

"Maybe." I replied with an incredibly smug smirk.

 

"Okay, that's it, NO MERCY!!! This time, I'm gonna break you for REAL! I'm gonna break you so hard, your mother's brother's cousin's sister's uncle won't even recognize you by the time I'm through with- WAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" he started blubbering like a baby after I hit him in the face with my baseball bat.

 

"You know what?" Misery told me. "As punishment for your blatant disrespect, I am going to cast my ultimate spell...what was it again? Oh, f*** it, I'm just going to drop a giant fricking rock on top of you!"

 

"WHOA!" I lunged out of the way right when she swung the rock down, crushing Balrog. "Well, there goes your freaking sidekick, Einstein!"

 

"Meh, good riddance anyways." Misery smirked, filing her nails for no apparent reason. "Anyway, back to the discussion at hand. What were you going to say again?"

 

"You murdered, raped and enslaved innocent widdle bunny-wunnies!" I yelled at her.

 

"It was a means to an end!" she yelled back.

 

"You took advantage of the global economy system to get more money to spend on clothes-shopping and villainy!" I yelled at her.

 

"I-w-well, that isn't exactly something I can argue with..." she groaned.

 

"You called me a Russian stereotype!" I yelled at her.

 

"Well, I mean...just LOOK at yourself!" she yelled back.

 

"YOU BETRAYED THE LAW!" I yelled at her.

 

"LOL!!!" she yelled back, lowering herself down onto the roof.

 

"Why'd you do it, Misery?" I asked her, punching her in the face.

 

"Because I CAN!" she replied, kicking me in the gut. "Because making little people like you, and the MORONS who run this orphanage, eat out of the palm of my hand feels GREAT!"

 

"But I never did anything to you!" I argued with her, kicking her in the vag. 

 

"You would've if I'd given you the chance!" she argued back, smacking me upside the head with her staff. "Face it, Jack: I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!!!"

 

"Oh, congratulations! You're SMARTER than me!" I complimented her sarcastically, stomping on her foot and tripping her over. "You hate everyone and everyone hates you! Freaking GENIUS!" I yelled at her, slamming her with my baseball bat while she was down.

 

"The DOCTOR likes me!" she argued, teleporting over to the opposite side of the roof and firing a barrage of magic bullets at me; luckily, I blocked it with my garbage-can-lid shield. 

 

"I set him up, turned your DUMB little island into a battleground, got innocent Mimigas executed, UNFAIRLY, put several others including you into therapy, stole candy from Toroko all the way back when she was literally just a freaking adorable cuddly little baby, AND HE STILL LIKES ME!!!" she screamed, throwing a magic ball of pure concentrated hate at me.

 

"I F****** HATE YOU!" I yelled at her, deflecting the ball with my bat.

 

"YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG!" she yelled back, deflecting it back to me.

 

"YOU'RE A BITCH!" I yelled at her, deflecting the ball with my bat once more.

 

"YOUR FATHER WAS A COWARD AND A FRAUD!" she yelled back, deflecting it back to me once more.

 

"YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!!!" I screamed at her, channeling all of my inner rage into one last swing.

 

The ball hit her right in the chest, electrocuting her and completely exhausting her, leaving her lying defenselessly on the floor.

 

"Oh...oh my God...are...are you okay?" I asked her, running over to help her. "I-I'm really sorry."

 

"Don't be." Misery told me, struggling to keep her breath. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have been so arrogant and close-minded. I apologize for everything I've done to both you and your fellow Mimiga brethren. Please understand."

 

"I understand..." I sighed. "Could you teleport me into that giant death robot's ear, please?"

 

"That's no fun." Misery chuckled. "How about...this instead?" she whispered, using her magic to turn the V-shaped Corvette logo on my hat into...

 

"A rocket-propelled, V-shaped hang glider?" I asked in bewilderment. "How in the hell am I supposed to get all the way over there with THIS thing?"

 

"Just...believe in yourself..." she croaked, uttering her last breath.

 

"That's it, it's showtime." I muttered as the Doctor's giant robot approached me.

 

"For all the men you slaughtered...

For all the houses you demolished...

For all the children you raped...

For all the post-traumatic stress disorder you brought upon me...

And for putting me into the same jail cell that Mahin was occupying...

I am going to freaking end you."

 

Right then and there, with what I thought were going to be my last words for good, I ran as fast as possible and jumped off the very edge of the roof just as the giant green-haired robot's barrage of missiles and eye lasers tore the building apart faster than you could say "they killed Kenny".

 

I was clinging tightly to the handle of my weird-ass new hang glider as I did so. Surprisingly, this actually triggered the rocket propellers on its wings! Using this wicked discovery (and the Doctor being distracted by his focus on destroying the orphanage) to my advantage, I flew directly into his giant robot's ear, setting a crash course straight for Grossville.

 

"Looks like it's about time I got inside this man's head..." I thought to myself, smirking.