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by xandermartin98
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crackfic
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satire
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freddygotfingered
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CHAPTER 5: IN ONE EAR, OUT THE OTHER
"OOF! OW! D'OH! URK! OUCH!" I yelled in pain, making a very rough-and-tumble crash-landing inside the enormous robot's left ear canal. "Well, I don't see any wax in here whatsoever..."
"INTRUDER ALERT!" the security system suddenly alerted the Doctor, spraying me all over with some kind of liquid earwax stuff.
"Dammit, I hate it when people are right..." I groaned, trudging through the rest of the tunnel until I reached the central control room where the Doctor was controlling his robot.
"Ugh...you're a REAL persistent one, aren't you?" the Doctor sighed, looking at me through the rear-view cam of his control monitor. "You could have just wiped your feet somewhere rather than tracking that disgusting earwax into my private control room, you inconsiderate little scamp."
"I'm gonna get you, Doctor, dead or alive. Oh, and by the way...I was just kidding about the 'alive' part." I told him.
"Is that seriously the cheesiest line you've got?" the Doctor sighed. "How about this: I am going to ROYALLY flush both you AND King down the festering, putrid, s****y, unclean, municipal TOILET of society!"
"Not on my watch." I talked back to him.
"Well, on my watch, it says it's about noon right now." he replied smugly.
"JUST SHUT THE F*** UP!" I snapped at him, charging straight at him.
"Uh uh uhh!" the Doctor teased me as the invisible forcefield around his control monitor knocked me back.
"HEY, NO FORCEFIELDS!" I yelled at him.
"Well, how else am I going to keep you filthy, snot-nosed little pests away from me? Perhaps I should hire a child exterminator! Oh, wait...I ALREADY HAVE!" the Doctor laughed arrogantly.
Realizing that the only way to stop the Doctor at this point would be to annoy him enough to distract him from his current job of controlling his robot, I did the unthinkable. I resorted to Tom Green's style of comedy.
"Hey! Look at me!" I begged him for attention. "Lookatme, lookatme! Lookatme, lookatme, lookatme, lookatme, lookatme, lookatme, lookatme!"
"Hey, what do you call a guy with earwax on his face?" I asked him. "The earwax face! The earwax face!" He just rolled his eyes and continued stomping on people with his robot.
Realizing that I was clearly going to have to take drastic measures, I threw my padded vest off, rendering myself completely naked except for my headgear, and grabbed onto my...ahem...love handle.
"Look at me! I'm SEXY! I'M A SEXY BOY!!!" I begged him.
"DINNNG DONNNG!!!" I yelled as I began running in circles around the room, swinging my schlong back and forth. "DING DONG! DING DONG! DING DONG! DING DONG!"
"Ooo, you can't hurt me! YOU CAN'T HURT ME!!!" I rambled maniacally, writhing wildly on the floor. "NOT WITH MY...EARWAX HELMET! NOT WITH MY...EARWAX HELMET!"
"DING DONG! DING DONG! DING DONG! DING DONG!" I continued yelling as I crab-walked across the room. "HUAAAAAAH!!! HUAAAAAAH!!!" I suddenly screamed for no apparent reason, because everyone knows that screaming things at the top of your lungs automatically makes them funny.
"I CAN'T GET IT OFF OF MY HEAD! I CAN'T GET IT OFF OF MY HEAD!" I continued rambling as I pulled a can of pepper spray out of my hat and sprayed myself with it; luckily, I was wearing glasses, so it actually had no effect whatsoever.
"MY EYEEES!!! OWW, MY EYEEES!!!" I screamed in fake pain, leaning forward and covering my face with my hands.
"Mommy...Mommy...MOMMY! MOMMY!!!" I yelled like an idiot, crawling on the floor like a baby and retrieving my baseball bat and shield.
"ARRRRRRGH!!!" the Doctor exploded with rage. "YOU F****** ANNOYING LITTLE S***! GET OVER HERE!!!" he screamed at me, charging straight at me with his fists readied.
"PSYCHE!" I snickered, tripping him over with my leg and beating the s*** out of him to make sure that he wouldn't get back up. Pulling his pants down, I
(SCENE MISSING)
"YEAH, how do YOU like that, HUH? HOW DO YOU F****** LIKE THAT?!" I yelled at him, kicking him in the side and putting my vest back on.
"I think I'm going to go kill myself now..." the Doctor said, staggering back up onto his feet, triggering the self-destruct (which disabled his forcefield), and walking out through his robot's right ear, presumably to jump out and fall to his death.
"Geez, it's always in one ear and out the other with these folks, isn't it?" I joked.
There wasn't much time to celebrate, though, because a mysterious man known only as the Masked Mimiga suddenly appeared out of nowhere, right when I least expected it!
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