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Digging For Gold In The Shower

by xandermartin98
Tags   crackfic   fanfic   satire   parody   videogames   cavestory   freddygotfingered   | Report Content

Digging For Gold In The Shower - crackfic fanfic satire parody videogames cavestory freddygotfingered - main story image

A A A A

CHAPTER 2: DIGGING FOR GOLD IN THE SHOWER
 

The next day, I decided to play an extremely idiotic yet downright hilarious prank on King for comedy relief's sake. After he took his shower, I took my shower and stayed in the shower with the water running for a ridiculously long time. Eventually, King became understandably pissed off and sick of waiting for me to finish my stupid shower and starting pounding forcefully on the bathroom door.

 
"For f***'s sake, would you PLEASE get out of there!? You've been in there for, like, literally over fifteen f****** minutes! You've wasted all the f****** hot water, you douchebag!" King yelled at me through the door. "Grr..why won't it open? GRR...WHY WON'T THIS F****** DOOR OPEN?!" he screamed furiously, kicking the door down.
 
"Oh, for the love of Christ, don't tell me you're so goddamned stupid you don't even know the difference between hot and cold..." King groaned, opening the shower door.
 
"What the hell are you doing?!" King asked with bewilderment, seeing me holding the bar of soap in my hands.
 
"Look, King, I found a TREASURE!" I told him, trying not to laugh as I held the hairy soap bar up in front of his face.
 
"That- that's not a treasure, that's soap with my f****** armpit fur on it!" King corrected me.
 
"Shh...I'm pretending it's a treasure!" I whispered to him, grinning like an idiot.
 
"Get out of the goddamned shower, you IMBECILE!" King yelled, throwing me forcefully out of the shower in just such a way that I purposefully dropped the soap bar into the toilet.
 
"Oh no, the treasure went into that underwater cave!" I moaned, biting my jaw to stop myself from busting out laughing as I bobbed my head in the toilet like someone bobbing for apples and retrieved my so-called "treasure".
 
"GET OUT OF THE GODDAMNED TOILET, YOU WEIRDO!" King yelled, pulling me out from the toilet.
 
"You saved me from the killer barracuda in that underwater cave, but luckily I found the treasure!" I informed him with mock excitement, my face hurting from trying so hard not to laugh.
 
"So? Who the hell cares?" King asked, scratching his head in confusion.
 
"We can sell the King DNA on this soap bar to the science labs for over 9,000 dollars!" I explained to him. "Do you realize what this means, my friend? We can live like kings! WE CAN LIVE LIKE KINNNGS!!!"
 
"Just...just get your damned clothes on and take your frickin' meds already, you lunatic." King sighed as I went and did so.
 
"Anyway," I sighed, trying desperately to stop laughing, "according to several reputable Internet sources including but not necessarily limited to Wikipedia, the Doctor has indeed been revived by his former sidekick witch Misery and is now planning to terrorize everyone on the planet with a giant Godzilla-sized robot."
 
"Say what?" King asked, cocking an eyebrow in disbelief.
 
"Exactly." I replied, nodding my head in agreement. "However, knowing what happened the last time our entire race was threatened with eternal slavery and death, I think it's fair to say that almost literally anything could happen at this point."
 
"You said it, pal." King nodded in agreement. "So, where is his supposed hideout?" King asked.
 
"I'll hide out with you tonight, buddy...ER, I MEAN, his hideout is right here, in Building 122004!" I informed him, laughing embarrassedly. "Unfortunately, we're gonna need a vehicle in order to get there..."
 
Suddenly, my cell phone started ringing; the ringtone on it was the chorus from the song "Barbie Girl" by Aqua. King glared at me in disapproval, but I just brushed it off.
 
"Hello, who is this?" I asked. 
 
"It's me, Sue." Sue replied. "Um, Toroko's acting a little fishy lately."
 
"OOO, FISH, WHERE?! WHERE!?" Toroko growled.
 
"I'm lying face-down on the bed, and she won't stop gnawing on my legs as we speak." Sue explained.
 
"Aww, that's so adorable! Don't worry about it, she just likes you." I replied, hanging up.
 
"Umm, Toroko, why are you so attached to me lately?" I could hear Sue asking Toroko worriedly through the wall as I leaned my ear against the wall.
 
"YOU'RE MY...PRECIOUSSS..." Toroko hissed.
 
"OWW!!! STOP GNAWING ON MY ARM! BAD GIRL! BAD GIRL! SIT! SIT! I COMMAND YOU TO SIT ON YOUR HIND LEGS AND BARK FOR ME!" Sue screamed.
 
"ARF, ARF, WOOF!" Toroko obeyed, presumably panting and wagging her tail.
 
"There, there, that's a good little girl. Have some more catnip." Sue rewarded her.
 
"Oh, dear God, not THIS s*** again..." I groaned, rolling my eyes and face-palming.
 
"What's wrong with her? What's wrong with Toroko?" King asked.
 
"Her canine and feral instincts are taking over." I explained to him. "Looks like I'm gonna have to feed her a carrot. Watch as I magically pull one out of my hat!" I encouraged him, taking my hat off, holding it upside-down and pulling a slightly unclean and moldy carrot out of it.
 
"That was so NOT magic." King groaned, face-palming. 
 
"Whatever, even if the carrot was covered in s***, at least it'd still work." I reminded him, going over into the girls' room and shoving the carrot into Toroko's mouth.
 
Surprisingly, it only took her about 30 seconds, rather than a full minute-and-a-half, to eat the carrot. By her standards, I was certainly impressed. "There, do you feel better now?" I asked her.
 
"Yes, sir!" Toroko replied, giving me the salute.
 
"Alright, so, Sue...do you have any idea how I can get the money to buy a used motorcycle?" I asked Sue.
 
"You're gonna have to do chores. Like, a LOT of chores." Sue replied. "Very cruel and unusual ones, too."
 
"Such as?" I asked.
 
"Well..." Sue began.
 
ONE LONG LIST OF RIDICULOUSLY DREADFUL TASKS LATER...
 
"Wake me up when the cows come home..." I gasped, fainting head-over-heels onto the floor.
 
THREE LONG DAYS OF DOING THE CHORES-WHICH-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED LATER...
 
"Alright, now it's time for the last chore." I told King. "Specialty phone operator, eh? I can do that!"
 
"Umm...oh baby, oh baby, oh baby." I said in a monotone voice over the phone.
"JACK?!" Quote's wife replied.
"Mrs. Brace?!" I replied back, frozen with shock.
 
"HEY! YOU SCREWIN' MAH WIFE!?" Quote suddenly yelled at me through the phone.
"W-WHAT?!?" I stammered in disbelief and confusion.
"YOU DOIN' YOGA SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS WITH MAH WIFE!?" Quote yelled angrily.
 
"W-WHAT THE F***?!?" I responded, slamming the phone down and hanging up. "Jeez Lawheeze, I've never gotten a call quite like THAT one before..."
 
Meanwhile, King was making his respective call.
 
"Hey there, honey..." Chako greeted him.
 
"I'm sorry to tell you this, my dear, but I'm a little on the gay side. Maybe some other time?" King explained.
 
"You disappoint me, hot stuff. Come on, disappoint me some more...ohh...OHHHHHH..." Chako moaned.
 
"Alright, that's it, I'm hanging up!" King decided with disgust, slamming the phone down and hanging up just like I did. "That filthy whore..." he muttered.
 
And so, just like that, we scraped together $120 and were just barely able to afford a used motorcycle with the gas surprisingly included. Through a complex network of radio communication and walkie-talkies (mostly walkie-talkies), we were able to communicate with Sue and Toroko from long distances.
 
And so me and King set off for Building 122004 on our precious motorcycle, awaiting an important interview with the Doctor. Of course, I was the driver.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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