Hot Lizard-On-Fish Action

CHAPTER 2: HOT LIZARD-ON-FISH ACTION

"So what about this whole anime thing you've been planning is so damned special that you had to forcefully invite all of us over here with death threats for it?" Sans asked.

"Yeah, what good will ever come out of bombing innocent people's houses just because they happened to actually like Mew Mew Kissy Cutie 2?" Papyrus asked. "I mean, I, the GREAT Papyrus, for one, think that it was actually a pretty good film...minus all the stupid anime facial expressions."

"Aww, you're such a sugary-sweet little cutie-pie. I could literally just hug you until you die." Asgore complimented Alphys, squeezing her even harder until her face turned green.

"What's the matter, sweetheart, are you currently suffering from Alphys-phyxiation?" Sans winked at the audience.

"Put me the f*** down." Alphys commanded Asgore, who threw her across the lab; she made her crash-landing on the wall where the front door was located, just above the door itself.

"Oh, sweet Jesus, are you okay?" Undyne asked, summoning her spear and glaring angrily at Asgore.

"What, I didn't do nothing!" Asgore chuckled.

"Nothing...a few...days...at the chiropractor's...won't fix..." Alphys coughed and wheezed.

"You poor little thing!" Undyne sobbed, picking her up, cradling her in her arms, hugging her softly, and kissing her before setting her back down onto her feet.

"Alright, that's ENOUGH romantic cuddling for one day, thank you very much!" Alphys sighed, still fantasizing about snuggling in bed with Undyne as she walked over to Sans angrily.

"Sans, YOU, sir, are a completely obnoxious, stupid, lazy, unfunny, pile of-"

"Shh! I know, I know!" Sans shushed her.

"Alright, now that that's out of the way, I have the perfect answer to your question, Sans." Alphys informed Sans, folding her arms behind her back as always.

"I sure hope it involves lots of SPAGHETTI!" Papyrus snickered.

"Papyrus, do you ever shut up?" Undyne asked Papyrus.

"Why should I?" Papyrus asked. "I, the GREAT Papyrus, have absolutely NO need for-"

"GUYS!" Alphys yelled frustratedly at everyone. "As I was saying-"

"Where's the nearest bathroom?" Asgore interrupted. "I gotta take a dump so huge my grandmother will be able to smell it all the way up in-"

"AS I WAS SAYING!!!" Alphys growled though clenched teeth, snapping her markerboard pointer in half, "Mettaton is on the loose again. And he's just as stereotypically British as ever."

"Does that mean that he's a smug and sarcastic son of a bitch?" Sans asked.

"OF COURSE!" Alphys bellowed, briefly turning her head away from the markerboard.

"I can't STAND those types of people! Come on, let's beat the crap out of him!" Undyne laughed, flipping her spear impatiently.

"That's exactly what I'm PLANNING to do!" Alphys explained, producing a digital dry-erase marker from her digital pocket and drawing out her digital plan on her digital markerboard. Needless to say, she made a mess of badly drawn random shapes everywhere.

"You know what, screw it, I can't draw worth shite anyways." Alphys sighed, opening up Microsoft Powerpoint on her projector-linked computer and projecting her most recent Powerpoint project onto the markerboard.

"Alright, so, you see this?" Alphys asked, advancing to the first slide. "This is the Earth's surface."

"Alright, so, step one!" Alphys explained, advancing to the second slide. "We go through the Barrier, as is displayed in this poorly Photoshopped image here, and reach the surface of present-day Philadelphia, where Mettaton is already wreaking havoc as displayed in THIS poorly Photoshopped image."

"Will there be free refreshments?" Undyne asked.

"Oh, SURE! All the polluted DELAWARE RIVER WATER you can DRINK!" Alphys told her sarcastically, with a very annoyed tone due to the constant interruptions she was getting.

"Who cares if it's polluted, it's still water." Undyne shrugged.

"Step two!" Alphys beckoned, advancing to the third slide...which had nothing on it. "God DAMN it, more than HALF of my master plan is GONE now!"

"What's the matter, darling?" Mettaton asked her through the cell communication device that he had permanently lodged into her brain a few months ago. "Hearing VOICES in your head?"

"Mettaton, honey, I know how much you love to hear your own sexy voice, but now is quite frankly NOT THE TIME for this! GO AWAY!" Alphys commanded him.

"My dear, I would never pass up the pleasure of informing you about my latest evil plan!" Mettaton explained. "With the entire population of Earth watching me, I will become the true STAR I've always wanted to be!"

"Wow, and I thought I, the Great Papyrus, was egotistical." Papyrus gasped.

"Um, excuse me, if you don't mind me asking...WHY DO YOU NEED SO MANY GODDAMNED FANS?! Can't you at least LIVE with having 11,000 people down here watching you?" Alphys ranted in a fit of confusion.

"Who needs 11,000 fans when you can have 63 BILLION?!" Mettaton laughed maniacally. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a show to attend. With my final word, allow me to get one of my favorite songs of all time STUCK IN YOUR HEAD! Toodles!"

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER...

"I'm...never gonna...dance again...guilty feet...have got...no rhythm..." Alphys, who was curled up in a fetal position whilst trembling on the floor, carelessly whispered to herself while gently hitting herself in the head with a hammer.

"Dude, the song already stopped playing, like, five minutes ago." Undyne informed her, scraping her back up onto her feet.

"Oh, it did? Gosh, I feel like such a fool now." Alphys sighed, putting her clothes back on and shrugging her shoulders. "Say, where's Asgore?"

"Oh, him? He got bored and left." Undyne laughed.

"Oh, well, we've still got a team of you, me, and the skeleton bros here. What could possibly go wrong?" Alphys asked.

"I guess we're just gonna have to find out ourselves." Sans chuckled.

"Do you two even realize how many kiss marks you just put on each other's faces?" Papyrus asked. "I, the GREAT Papyrus, am now convinced that I should partake in the art of intoxicated dance one of these glorious days!"

"HMPH! Blushing is for the WEAK!" Undyne laughed, reverting her face back to normal color from the power of her sheer determination alone. "Alphys! SNAP OUT OF IT!"

SLAP!

"Ow, what'd you smack me in the face for?" Alphys asked her in pain.

"You're stalling for time. Let's GO already!" Undyne urged her.

"Once we get to Philly, I am going to stack so many goddamned Philly Cheesesteaks onto my head that it will become a national monument: the Cheesesteak Skyscraper!" Sans boasted.

"That's the spirit!" Papyrus laughed heartily.

"Come on, guys, pack your bags, LET'S GO!" Alphys encouraged everyone as they all marched right out the front door, with no bags to speak of apart from their disproportionately large-on-the-inside pockets.

After taking the local Hotland elevator system all the way up to Mettaton's MTT Resort hotel, Alphys and friends took a brief visit to said hotel's burger shop, where Burgerpants was STILL stuck flipping burgers, just like he always had been ever since the incident that earned him his nickname.

"Alright, so, what do you know about Mettaton, you little PUNK?" Undyne demanded to know from him, reaching across the counter and grabbing him by the collar of his work uniform.

"UNDYNE!" Alphys gasped in shock.

"He's...a douche..." Burgerpants coughed and wheezed, trying not to crap his pants in terror.

"That's all we needed to know, thanks." Undyne chuckled, setting him back down onto his feet.

"Hey, before you leave...would you like to buy a Glamburger?" Burgerpants asked. "They're delicious, nutritious, and loaded with enough goddamned preservatives to give the average human a heart attack...TWICE! Sadly, Justin Bieber has not eaten one yet."

"Sorry, but I'm a skeleton with STANDARDS!" Papyrus laughed.

"Have a nice day flipping burgers, chump! See you in hell!" Sans laughed.

"Grr...WHY YOU LITTLE!" Burgerpants roared, throwing his spatula at Sans.

"Oh, no, you don't!" Sans chuckled, stopping the spatula in midair and hurling it straight back at the thrower with his telekinetic powers.

"WHOA!" Burgerpants gasped, ducking under the counter as his own spatula whizzed right past him and lodged itself into the wall.

"Th-thank you f-for your p-patronage..." Burgerpants stammered with fright, cowering behind cover as Sans levitated what appeared to be a one-dollar bill onto the counter. As Alphys and friends walked out, Burgerpants picked the dollar up and observed it with excitement.

"OH MY GOD, IT'S A HUMAN ONE-DOLLAR BILL!" Burgerpants cried in pure joy. "DOWN HERE IN THE UNDERGROUND, THESE THINGS ARE WORTH LIKE 100,000 G! I CAN FINALLY FEED MY FAMILY NOW! WOO!"

"Hey, news flash, buddy: for starters, you don't even have a family. Also, the dollar's fake." Sans walked back in and explained to him.

"W-W-WHAT?!?" Burgerpants gasped, his eyes suddenly glistening with tears.

At that moment, Alphys and friends collapsed onto the floor and began laughing uncontrollably.

"OH, LORD, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE ACTUALLY FELL FOR THAT!" Papyrus laughed.

"OH, MA-HA-HA-HAN, SOMEONE PLEASE HO-HOLD ME, I CAN'T S-STOP LAUGHING!" Alphys laughed hysterically, rolling back and forth.

"WHAT A LOSER!" Undyne laughed.

"You know what? I think I'm going to commit suicide now. Thank you, assholes." Burgerpants told them, grabbing his butcher knife and slamming it right into his forehead as Alphys and friends fled back out into the lobby, wherein a peeing statue of Mettaton was on display.

"See?" Mettaton laughed through Alphys' cell reciever. "You guys truly ARE no better than the bad guys, aren't you?"

"I can live with that." Sans shrugged, hiding Burgerpants' body in an alternate dimension.

"Suicide? Over a simple prank? REALLY? What a cowardly thing to do!" Undyne sneered.

"Yeah...cowardly..." Alphys sighed. "I know that feeling all too well."

"I, the GREAT Papyrus, have NEVER done ANYTHING cowardly in my ENTIRE life! SHAME on him!" Papyrus boasted.

"Papyrus, you're twice as tall as me and you still need bedtime stories in order to go to sleep." Sans reminded him, rolling his eyes.

"Well, quite frankly, I haven't gotten a good night's sleep for QUITE some time, and would you look at how much THAT'S benefitted me!" Alphys laughed and then sighed, displaying her bloodshot, twitching, slightly bag-riddled eyes to everyone. "Quite frankly, I can't even go to sleep without an Undyne plushie at my side!"

"Every night, I fantasize about eating out with Alphys! Except, you know, without the WITH part!" Undyne laughed.

"WHAT?" Sans gasped, placing a hand firmly over Papyrus' mouth.

"I, the GREAT Papyrus..." Papyrus began, wrenching Sans' hand off of his mouth, "...surmise that that is absolutely, positively DISGUSTING!"

"Uh...heh, heh...let's just s-settle this m-matter like s-sweet, anime-loving g-gentlemen..." Alphys stammered, backing away slowly.

"Oh, come on, how could you NOT have a crush on Alphys?" Undyne pleaded.

"Exactly! GET 'EM, BOYS!" Sans beckoned everyone in the hotel (except the janitor) in a rallying cry as he, Papyrus, and all of the hotel's current residents grabbed their pitchforks and torches.

"May I make a suggestion? RUN." Papyrus kindly suggested with an unintentionally creepy smile, twirling his giant candy-cane impatiently.

"On a SCALE of 1 to 10, how screwed would you consider yourself right now?" Sans asked Alphys.

"I'M SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES, BABY! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Alphys laughed as she climbed onto Undyne's back and initiated a piggyback ride.

"Guess you could say you're...HIGHTAILING it outta here!" Sans snickered as Undyne ran out through the back door.

"Oh, for the love of various programming variables named after Undyne, SHUT UP!" Alphys groaned, rolling her eyes as Undyne ran across the bridge connecting MTT Resort to the Core.

"QUICK! Into the elevator!" Alphys commanded Undyne as the two of them entered the Core, with Sans' angry Alphys-loving mob right on their tails.

"Ha! Good one, narrator!" Alphys laughed as she and Undyne ran into the elevator.

"HEY! NOT SO FAST!" Papyrus yelled at them, waving his candy-cane in the air furiously. "We've STILL got a BONE to pick with you cursed lesbian scoundrels!"

"Yeah, you tell 'em, bro!" Sans chuckled, levitating up into the air and high-fiving Papyrus.

"Oh, no, no, NO, NO, NO!!!" Alphys screamed as the entire mob poured into the elevator just before the doors closed.

"We ain't closing the DOORS on this bullshit just YET, pal!" Sans winked at the audience as the local elevator music started to play.

"Alphys, you the reason why my wife. Is combined. With sixteen other people. You don't deserve a romantic partner. Like Undyne." Snowdrake's father told Alphys.

"Dad, for crying out loud, you're such a cold motherf***er!" Snowdrake scolded his father.

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Snowdrake's father asked him.

"Well, for that matter, would YOU kiss MY mother with YOUR mouth?" Snowdrake shuddered. "Ha...ha..."

"I'm smiling and I hate it." Snowdrake's father sobbed.

"My thoughts exactly..." Alphys sighed.

"Hey, that's MY line!" Papyrus sneered.

"So, uhh...heh...heh...i-is t-there anything y-you g-guys w-would l-like t-to t-talk about?" Alphys stammered awkwardly, with every single person in the elevator shooting her a death glare.

"Uh...I m-meant b-besides h-how m-much you all h-hate m-me..." Alphys chuckled as the elevator reached its destination on the top floor.

"Run first, ask questions later!" Undyne reminded Alphys as the two of them bolted off through the rest of the Core and reached Asgore's castle, with the entire mob still after them.

"It's been one of those days..." Alphys sighed.