Full Kitten Jacket

CHAPTER 3: FULL KITTEN JACKET

"YOU! WILL NEVER! CATCH US!" Undyne taunted Sans' mob as it pursued her and Alphys (who was still riding piggyback on top of Undyne's shoulders) through Asgore's castle.

"QUICK! Down the staircase!" Alphys commanded Undyne as the two of them bolted down the staircase of Asgore's house.

"Hey, come back here, you big gay dinosaur!" Sans yelled at Alphys as she and Undyne made their way through the basement tunnel of Asgore's house.

"It's called being LESBIAN. There's a DIFFERENCE!" Alphys yelled back.

"Not when you're being chased by an angry mob, there isn't!" Sans snickered.

"WATCH OUT! PROJECTILES INBOUND!" Alphys warned Undyne as the mob readied itself to throw its weapons at the two of them.

"ENGLISH, PLEASE!" Undyne commanded Alphys as exactly three, no, FOUR pitchforks (along with a spatula, a baseball bat, a mop, a golf club, a whipped cream pie, a basketball, et cetera) were blindly flung at them by the mob, never even coming anywhere close to hitting either of them (except for the whipped cream pie, which somehow hit Alphys square in the face).

"Alright, whose bright idea was it to hire the frickin' stormtroopers here?" Sans groaned in disappointment at how clearly inept his mob was at aiming as Alphys and Undyne reached the massive bridge leading up to the Last Corridor.

"For f***'s sake, THE MOB IS THROWING SHIT AT US!" Alphys paraphrased, licking whipped cream residue off of her glasses as Undyne ducked under a rotten grilled-cheese sandwich while yelling "I ALREADY KNEW THAT, YOU IDIOT!"

"What? I found it in my armpit." Papyrus chuckled. "EAT SUGAR, SWEETHEARTS!" he laughed, chucking his giant candy-cane at them; luckily, Alphys caught it and kept it in her mouth.

"Aww, you're so cute with that giant candy-cane sticking out of your- DOH!" Undyne grunted in pain as she got hit in the back of the head with Snowdrake's father's MTT-brand dental fillings.

"FOCUS, MY LOVE!" Alphys warned her, pointing straight ahead as she and Undyne entered the Last Corridor.

"I KNEW those would come in handy!" Snowdrake laughed as his father spewed put unintelligible curse words through his toothless mouth.

"Son. When we get home. I am going to kick. Your f***ing spoiled. Rotten teeth in. And then. I'm going. To drink myself. To sleep. Like I do. Every single night now." Snowdrake's father told him after getting his teeth back.

"CEASE AND DESIST!" Sans commanded Alphys and Undyne, summoning Gaster Blasters from his hands and firing laser beams at them.

"DUCK! WEAVE! BOB! DUCK! WEAVE!" Alphys commanded Undyne as Undyne narrowly dodged each laser beam by following her instructions.

"You may be able to RUN, but you can NEVER hide from the great PAPYRUS!" Papyrus boasted as Alphys and Undyne turned the corner onto the final path leading up to Asgore's throne room.

"We ARE going the right way...RIGHT?" Undyne asked Alphys as Sans telekinetically threw his slippers at them.

"LEFT!" Alphys commanded Undyne as the two of them made the final turn straight into Asgore's throne room, with the mob following behind them.

"ASGORE! HELP US! PLEASE!" Undyne and Alphys begged Asgore as he rose to meet them.

"What do you want from me now? I'm just trying to pick out the correct rose for Toriel here! Can't you just give an old man a break every once in a while?" Asgore sighed.

"W-well, y-you see...u-uh..." Alphys stammered.

"We're being chased by an angry mob of people led by Sans, and it would appear that they're all no less than hell-bent on freaking killing us!" Undyne explained, finishing Alphys' sentence.

"WHY?" Asgore asked as the mob stormed into the throne room.

"B-because w-we're l-lesbian..." Alphys sighed.

"That. And also. The fact. That you turned. My wife into. An eldritch abomination. That looks like. An abstract-art painting. Of two people eating out. Of someone's puss-puss." Snowdrake's father explained.

"Ah, yes, she's told me that story many, many, MANY times indeed..." Asgore sighed.

"Did I really word it like that, though?" Alphys laughed awkwardly.

"Oh, don't be so literal-minded!" Undyne scolded her.

"Personally, I always wanted to be the Royal Scientist myself!" Sans explained angrily. "But then...this freaking fatass weeaboo FRAUD just HAD to go and take my place! I swear, there really is no justice in the world..."

"He...he's RIGHT!" Alphys cried.

"There, there, now, don't cry, baby, don't cry. Undyne's here for you." Undyne comforted Alphys, patting her on the head, taking her off of her shoulders and smooching her right on the lips, causing Alphys to literally blush all the way from head to toe.

"It's just like one of my Japanese animes!" Alphys crooned in a droolingly lovestruck stupor, making adorable squeaky noises as Undyne squeezed her.

"BLEAUGH!" the Nice Cream guy puked. "It's too cute! It's DISGUSTING!"

"Those two are, like, SO lesbian for each other!" Bratty laughed.

"Yeah, it almost puts even US to shame!" Bratty's twin sister, Catty, giggled as she and Bratty passionately sniffed each other's skin for no apparent reason.

"She french-kissed Undyne right in front of me...back when she was still dating me!" Asgore growled. "OH MY GOD, THEY'RE EVEN FRENCH-KISSING RIGHT NOW!"

"And that's not even the WORST part!" Papyrus sneered. "Why, she even gave ME, the GREAT Papyrus, a WOMEN'S pair of Mew Mew Kissy Cutie UNDERGARMENTS for CHRISTMAS!"

"I knew I should have gotten him a cookbook instead..." Alphys sobbed as Undyne finally set her back down onto her feet.

"Face it, Undyne: she's an autistic, festering, unwashed FAILURE! Always was, always will be." Sans chuckled.

"THAT'S IT!" Undyne roared, charging at Sans with her spear. "YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT MY BFF, YOU GO THROUGH ME! EN GUARDE, DOUCHEBAG!"

Undyne attempted to skewer Sans with an extremely rapid succession of spear thrusts, yet Sans somehow dodged every single one of them as if they were literally nothing.

"W-WHAT?! H-how is this even...POSSIBLE?!" Undyne stammered in shock.

"What's the matter? You think I'm just gonna stand there and TAKE it?" Sans shrugged.

"ENOUGH!" Asgore roared, silencing everyone. "Look, I know the real reason why all of you are here. It's because you don't want Alphys to hurt Mettaton, isn't it?"

"Of COURSE not, my dear friend!" Papyrus agreed. "Mettaton is like an IDOL to us!"

"He sang crappy, overrated pop songs when no one else would." Sans sighed.

"There's a Mettaton-shaped hole in our Mettaton-shaped hearts!" Bratty and Catty snickered.

"He has the hottest legs I've ever seen! They're so damned hot that you could literally fry an EGG on top of them!" Undyne boasted enthusiastically.

"I'm glad to hear that you all agree with me, my wonderful viewers!" Mettaton's voice suddenly interrupted through Alphys' cell communication device. "Am I not the most gorgeous, handsome and beautiful sculpture of a man who ever walked upon this Earth?"

"W-well, you're c-certainly the sexiest V-VOICE I've ever heard in my H-HEAD, that's for sure!" Alphys laughed as the entire group laughed with her. "And I've been hearing an awful lot of voices in my head lately..." she muttered under her breath.

"Why, you INSOLENT little RAPSCALLION!" Mettaton seethed with rage. "How DARE you intentionally MOCK and INSULT and EMBARASS me in front of such a MASSIVE crowd?!"

"Dude, chill! It's only, like, about 20 people!" Alphys giggled.

"Man, what a wuss!" Undyne laughed.

"Oh yeah? Oh YEAH?! Well, YOU'RE only...uh...ONE person! Yeah, how's them apples taste, DARLING? You just got BURNED by your own magnificent robotic creation!" Mettaton laughed.

"How dare you talk back to your own mother?" Alphys smugly bit back as Mettaton's built-in parental control system literally shocked him for being too much of an egotistical douche, which by his standards is most definitely A LOT to say the very least.

"Who's the burned one NOW?" Alphys laughed.

"I...I...I am absolutely, positively SHOCKED by the utterly astonishing level of pure, unrestrained impudence you have just displayed! Y-You will NEVER get away with this! As SOON as you arrive at the other side of that damned- OW!!!- barrier, you'd better be prepared for one HELL of a show, Little Miss Anime-Otaku-Weeaboo-Dorkasaurus Trash! OWWWWWW!!!!!!" Mettaton rambled furiously, unable to control the sheer magnitude of his own ego.

"For crying out loud, what in the seven hells is your MALFUNCTION?!" Alphys screamed at him.

"I built you a BEAUTIFUL glam-rockstar body to transform yourself into...I programmed a lovably charismatic personality the likes of which this world has never even seen before into your central processing unit...and THIS is the thanks I get?! When I get my hands on you, I'm going to disassemble your entire f***ing anatomic structure into HALVES, you hear me?! I'm going to forcefully insert your vocal processing unit so goddamned far up your butt outlet that when you produce excrement, you're going to sing f***ing BEETHOVEN!" Alphys ranted furiously at Mettaton, causing the jaws of every single person in the room to drop to the floor.

"Oh, REALLY? Then go ahead and DO it, if you're REALLY that determined. I'd LOVE to see it." Mettaton laughed smugly.

"Alright, that's it: this bastard NEEDS to learn a little LESSON from his mother. And by lesson, I mean kicking his freaking ass!" Alphys growled angrily.

"Count me in, chump." Sans agreed, offering to shake Alphys' hand.

"Let me guess: you're wearing a freaking joy buzzer, aren't you?" Alphys groaned.

"How did you know?" Sans shrugged.

"Tee hee hee!" Bratty and Catty giggled.

"Anyway, would you like me to join you guys?" Asgore asked.

"Nah, I think the main cast already has enough characters as is, no need to add more to the mix." Sans chuckled. "Also, just between you and me, pal..."

"You're not even half as badass as I am." Sans levitated up and whispered into Asgore's ear.

"Very well then!" Papyrus chuckled. "We'll show that sniveling, egotistical metalhead! Repeat after me: BONE is stronger than STEEL!"

"How do you even KNOW that?" Alphys asked him.

"I THINK, therefore I KNOW!" Papyrus boasted, shaking Sans' joy-buzzer hand and getting zapped in the process. "Now let's kick some flashy, hammy BUTTOCKS! The entire WORLD is depending on it, is it not? I, the GREAT Papyrus-"

"Stop." Sans sighed, covering Papyrus' mouth.

"Darlings, DARLINGS, what are you WAITING for? ENOUGH chit-chat amongst yourselves, let's talk about ME! I'm a lean, mean, lady-killing machine, and the very first stop on my favorite train line JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE none other than Getting-Owned-By-Mettaton-Ville!" Mettaton laughed arrogantly.

"Oh, guys, there's something I forgot to mention." Asgore suddenly remembered. "It's actually Christmas this morning!"

"WHAT?! CHRISTMAS?!" the entire crowd gasped and cheered, going completely wild and pouring out of the room in a destructive stampede.

"Well, that escalated quickly." Alphys sighed.

"Yeah, I know, it's Christmas. So?" Sans asked nonchalantly.

"OOH, CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS! The great Papyrus LOVES Christmas! LOVES IT, LOVES IT, LOVES IT, LOVES IT, LOVES IT, LOVES IT LIKE HE LOVES UNDMMMPH! MMMPH! MMMMMMPH!!!" Papyrus squealed with joy, with Sans being forced yet again to cover his mouth to get him to stop talking.

"But I wanted a Fluffy Bunny PLUSHIE!" Papyrus sat cross-legged on the floor and wailed. "If I had one of THOSE, then you would NEVER have to read me another bedtime story AGAIN!"

"He really does have absolutely no idea of what it's like to live with the outright horrifying mental torment that I have to go through on a daily basis, does he?" Alphys whispered to Sans.

"Nope!" Sans whispered back. "You just can't get any more mature than this...heh, heh."

"Anyway, you guys are going to need some winter gear." Asgore explained. "And thanks to Alphys' suggestions, I made sure to make all of your winter gear Mew-Mew-Kissy-Cutie-tastic!"

"Well, at least it's not Chris-Chan-tastic..." Alphys muttered as she slipped on the pinkly pink, chubby little cat-paw mittens as if they were rubber latex gloves.

"What the hell am I WEARING?" Undyne asked as she donned the ever-so-pink winter hat with big, fluffy cat ears.

"That's a good question, pal." Sans shrugged as he stepped into the adorable-kitten-faced (and also pink) boots and layered the cuddly, soft, furry, and did-I-mention-pink jacket over the badass gangster jacket that he was already wearing.

"EEE!!! THIS IS SO FREAKING CUTE, OH MY GOD, I CAN'T TAKE IT, HELP ME!!!" Papyrus squealed with joy as he slipped into the hot pink, fuzzy, tail-bearing pants.

"So, how do you think you guys look right about now, with the full MMKC winter outfit covering every single one of you?" Asgore snickered, trying his hardest not to burst out laughing as he took a snapshot of them on his iPhone and sent it to Toriel.

"Like a bunch of JOKERS, am I right?" Undyne laughed.

"You betcha!" Asgore chuckled, showing them the iPhone photo of what they looked like in their new outfits. "So, uhh...heh, heh...what do you think, guys?"

"This is undoubtedly the single most embarrassing moment of my entire life." Alphys gasped, fainting head-over-heels onto the floor.

"Aw, what's the matter? CAT got your tongue?" Sans winked at the audience, who suddenly laughed for some odd reason even though his joke clearly wasn't funny at all.

"SANS! Stop plaguing my life with incidental laugh tracks!" Papyrus sneered.

"What can you do about it? You're not even REMOTELY in CONTROL!" Sans laughed as his remote-controlled laugh track laughed with him.

"MAN, what a bunch of jokers!" Undyne laughed, prompting yet another pointless laugh track.

"Hey, DARLINGS, aren't you FORGETTING something?" Mettaton reminded them through Alphys' cell communication device. "I mean, yeah, sure, the lovely conversation between the four of you is certainly NICE and all, but don't you feel that you should be using the wonderful chemistry between yourselves for something a little more...oh, I don't know, what's the word, it seems to be right on the tip of my sexy tongue...THEATRICAL?"

"Like what?" Undyne asked. "Suplexing your stupid face into the ground like the piece of flamboyant trash it is?"

"EXACTLY!" Mettaton laughed. "That is, if you mean as in: ME suplexing YOUR stupid, ignorant face into the ground like the piece of flamboyant, egotistical ANIME trash it is! OWWWWWW!!!!!!"

"Alphys, come on, wake up, let's go!" Undyne urged Alphys, waking her up and holding her hand as the two of them, along with Sans and Papyrus approached the Barrier. "We've got a long, hard journey ahead of us!"

"That's what she said." Sans snickered.

"SANS!" Papyrus yelled at him. "D-do I look cute?"

"I dunno, you tell me." Sans chuckled.

"NYAH!" Papyrus meowed like a little kitten, with his eyes twinkling and his nonexistent cheeks blushing rosy red.

"EEEEEE!!!" Sans squeaked, collapsing onto the floor from the sheer cuteness overload.

"NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH! That's the second person who's fainted from how ridiculously adorable this outfit is so far! I, the GREAT Papyrus, wear it with PRIDE!" Papyrus laughed.

"Alright, this is it, guys." Asgore reminded them. "Are you guys ready?"

"I was BORN ready!" Undyne roared passionately, suplexing a large chunk of the air just because she could.

"I hope I freeze to death and die." Alphys sobbed, burying her head in her hands yet again.

"Ready when you are, Freddy." Sans chuckled.

"My name's not Freddy, it's PAPYRUS!" Papyrus yelled at him. "GET IT RIGHT!"

And so the four of them walked through the Barrier. Will they ever be seen again? Find out in the next trilling (yes, trilling) chapter of Alphys' Adventures!