Cooking With Alphyne

CHAPTER 9: COOKING WITH ALPHYNE

The next evening, Alphys recovered from her trauma, allowing her and her friends to return to the plaza of the Philadelphia Museum Of Art, where Mettaton was eagerly awaiting their arrival.

"Hello, beauties!" Mettaton laughed, pointing at Alphys and Undyne. "Boy, do I have some EXCITING challenges for YOU two, yes-sir-ree!"

"Oh, dear..." Alphys sighed.

"Oh, come on, I'm as strong as a freaking TANK! How bad could it POSSIBLY be?" Undyne laughed cockily.

CHALLENGE #11

"I want you two to literally sit together at the top of the tallest MTT-brand tree in the entire city and kiss each other!" Mettaton laughed. "In fact, I think I'll even WATCH just for old time's sake! Well, or perhaps just for the sake of getting to make the obligatory joke about it, whichever you prefer."

After climbing up a 40-foot-tall ladder and sitting on one of the very highest branches of the biggest and tallest tree in Philly, Alphys and Undyne gave each other the awkward love stare for about two whole minutes straight. Sans, Papyrus and Mettaton were all watching them through binoculars as various other people also crowded around them and did the same.

"Wow, it really is a beautiful day outside. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming. On days like this, douchebags like Mettaton...SHOULD BE BURNING IN HELL." Sans informed Papyrus.

"Sans, why must you be so violent? I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, dude...one of these days, you're going to literally scare someone's SKIN off!" Papyrus warned Sans.

"Bro, that already happened to be a LONG time ago. In fact, did I ever mention that I was once a Dragon Ball Z character?" Sans told Papyrus.

"For crying out loud, would you two beauties just fricking SMOOCH already? You'd be doing the Undertale fandom a fabulous favor!" Mettaton groaned impatiently, waiting for Alphys and Undyne to finally get the whole kissing-in-a-tree thing over with.

"I want my damned money back!" some random guy in the audience complained.

"TOO BAD, DARLING!" Mettaton jeered as Alphys' and Undyne's lips began to slowly but surely approach each other.

"Any DAY now..." Sans eagerly told himself, zooming in further to get the perfect view.

THIRTY SECONDS LATER...

"MMMFFF!!!" Alphys and Undyne moaned, blushing deeply as their lips finally locked together.

"HA! GAYYY!" some other random guy in the audience jeered right before Sans threw a bone at him and knocked him out.

"HA HA HA! OH MY GOD, THIS IS UTTERLY PRICELESS! ALPHYS AND UNDYNE, SITTING IN A TREE! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! LITERALLY! I CAN'T FREAKING BELIEVE IT! THIS IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE ABSOLUTE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY ENTIRE BLAST-PROCESSED LIFE!" Mettaton laughed hysterically, wishing he was a rounder shape so that he could actually roll on the floor.

"So, what do you think?" Undyne asked.

"Wowwwwww..." Alphys moaned absentmindedly as her entire body once again turned red from head to toe, causing her to tip over like Humpty Dumpty and fall straight down into the inflatable swimming pool that Mettaton had luckily set up right below the tree.

"ALPHYS!" Undyne screamed, immediately climbing down the ladder as fast as she could.

Much to Undyne's dismay, the swimming pool hadn't actually broken Alphys' fall. As it turns out, her sheer weight, combined with the approximately 40-foot magnitude of the fall itself,
caused the pool to pop like the literal balloon it was!

Not only were Alphys and her clothes completely drenched in freezing-cold Delaware River water, but she had also broken several of her bones in the process of hitting the ground.

"It's called a LADDER! USE IT!" Papyrus scolded her as Undyne finally reached the bottom of the aforementioned ladder and beat Papyrus over the head with it.

"Heh, looks like you just got DUNKED on!" Sans laughed.

"Me or her?" Papyrus asked, pointing at Alphys.

"Both!" Sans chuckled.

"Well, I suppose that was certainly ONE way to PLUCK a sweet little FRUIT from a TREE, am I right?" Mettaton jeered as he picked up Alphys in his arms. "Don't worry, my adorable, bloated little cupcake; I'll make you ALL better!"

"GAHH!" Alphys screamed as Mettaton scrunched her bones back together painfully.

"Oh, don't be such a baby. Here, have a Mettaton-shaped kiss for your boo-boos! Oh, wait; in my current form, I don't even have lips! YOU LOSE!" Mettaton laughed.

"You son of a- AUUUGH!" Undyne welped in pain as she attempted to punch Mettaton's metal body.

"Sorry, MI ARMOUR won't let you do that!" Mettaton jeered.

"Help...me..." Alphys sobbed.

CHALLENGE #12

"Now worship each other's feet!" Mettaton commanded Alphys and Undyne.

"Uhh..." Alphys and Undyne reluctantly stared at each other for a few seconds.

TWELVE SECONDS LATER...

"OHHH...(slurp)...YEAH...(rub)...I'M REALLY FEELING IT...(suck)...NOW IT'S UNDYNE TIME...(tickle)...TEE HEE HEE...(kiss)..." Undyne and Alphys moaned while the entire human audience observed silently, with their mouths agape and their minds confused.

"SO UTTERLY DEGENERATE!" Mettaton laughed, eating popcorn while watching it happen.

"SO KINKY!" Papyrus snickered, pulling his binoculars out of his pocket.

"GIMME THAT!" Sans yelled at Mettaton, snatching the popcorn out of his hands. "BUY YOUR OWN GODDAMNED POPCORN IF YOU'RE GOING TO WATCH NASTY SHIT LIKE THIS!"

"FINE, then!" Mettaton snapped at him. "If THAT'S how it's gonna be, then I'll just make sure no one ever sees this AGAIN!"

"PLEASE DO." an audience member standing behind him suggested, leaning forward and puking into his spare barf bag.

CHALLENGE #13

"Now I want you two to make dinner and eat it together on this 10 o'clock evening's fabulous new episode of Cooking With Mettaton! Right here, right now! Chop, chop!" Mettaton commanded them, clapping his hands and triggering a mechanism that caused a stainless steel table to rise up out of the center of the plaza.

"So THAT'S what that shiny thing on the floor was..." Papyrus realized as Undyne and Alphys donned their cooking hats, provided to them directly by Mettaton, and stood in their designated positions behind the table. "I KNEW IT! I'M SO SMART! TEE HEE HEE!"

"So, uhh...w-what are we c-cooking today?" Alphys stammered nervously, knowing how abysmally bad Undyne always was at the subject matter.

"Shh...I'll answer that in a second, darling!" Mettaton whispered, patting her on the head.

"GREETINGS, everyone, and WELCOME to Mettaton's FAVORITE cooking show in the whole wide world: THE ONE! THE ONLY! COOKING WITH METTATON!" Mettaton cheered as the show's intro blared across almost every single active television screen in the United States.

"Would everybody PLEASE give a ROUND of applause to ALPHYS and UNDYNE, our OH-SO special GUESTS?" Mettaton continued cheering.

"Tonight is a night like NO other before it! Tonight, we are making the second-most FABULOUS dish in the universe, right behind Steak Shaped Like Mettaton's Face: THE ONE! THE ONLY! THE NOODLY! THE SAUCY! SPAGHETTI!" Mettaton cheered some more.

"YAY!!!" Papyrus squealed with joy, waving his "ALPHYS IS LOVE, UNDYNE IS LIFE" banner back and forth through the air as many other audience members did the same.

"Aww, just look at these little cutie-pies! Aren't they just SO adorable that you could literally just EAT THEM RIGHT UP?!" Mettaton crooned, pinching Alphys' and Undyne's chubby cheeks and smashing their faces together to simulate the two of them kissing each other.

"So, my terrific audience...do you REALLY think that THIS couple of filthy lesbian klon-DYKES is gonna succeed in the art of cooking? I'M putting MY money on NO-SIR-REE!" Mettaton jeered.

"At best, I'll bet that one of KIND OF knows how to cook while the other one literally doesn't even have the first clue what a DELICATE cooking procedure EVEN IS!" Mettaton laughed, causing Alphys to audibly gulp on live TV.

"COME ON! BRING OUT THE GOODS! I'M FAMISHED, I'M STARVING, AND IF I AM FORCED TO GO ONE MORE HOUR WITHOUT EATING ACTUAL FOOD, THEN I'LL JUST EAT YOU ALL ALIVE, HOW ABOUT THAT!" Undyne laughed maniacally.

"Um, Undyne? Please calm down. PLEASE." Alphys warned her.

"NOBODY TELLS ME WHEN TO CALM DOWN!" Undyne laughed hysterically, foaming at the mouth.

"Oh, dear..." Alphys sighed as Mettaton set the tools and ingredients down on the table for her and Undyne to work with.

"Alright, s-so...u-uhh...s-step o-one is..." Alphys stammered, pointing to the noodles.

"F*** STEPS! LET'S JUST DO THIS SHIT THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED WAY: LIKE THE MOTHERF***ING ANIMALS WE ARE!" Undyne yelled like a banshee, snatching the linguine noodles out of the box, biting them in half, and forcefully throwing them into the pot.

"Uhh...heh...heh..." Alphys laughed awkwardly, breaking out into a cold sweat.

"My, my, what an AMAZINGLY sophisticated and REMARKABLY subtle FASHION of COOKING!" Mettaton jeered sarcastically, drinking pure salt out of a wine glass.

"Uh...okay, n-now f-for s-step t-two..." Alphys stammered, pointing to the sauce and tomato.

"UNDYNE SMASH PUNY TOMATO!" Undyne laughed as she punched the tomato so hard that it splattered all over the place and even got a little bit of itself onto Alphys' glasses...while Alphys was busy chopping the onions systematically and delicately.

"Like a good little girl, am I right?" Mettaton teased her.

"NYAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!" Undyne laughed as she grabbed the pot with one of her entire arms and stirred the sauce so hard that she knocked Alphys' entire cutting board, and basically everything else with it, right off of the table with the other (she was using a spoon, of course).

As Undyne stirred, Alphys was clutching the sides of her head with a very geniunely HOLY SHIT, WHY DID I EVER SIGN UP FOR THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE expression on her face.

"I must not fear, fear is the mind killer, fear is the little death that brings total oblivion!" the poor, innocent, ridiculously adorable bystander frantically whispered to herself in her mind until she quite literally could not take it anymore, and thus snapped at Undyne with all her might.

"NOTHING YOU'RE F***ING DOING RIGHT NOW IS WORKING! GIVE ME THAT GODDAMNED SPOON RIGHT NOW!" Alphys screamed at Undyne, attempting to leap up and snatch the stirring spoon away from her in a fit of supressed rage.

"WAIT, Alphys! We're not CAVEMEN! We have TECHNOLOGY..." Undyne explained melodramatically, picking up Alphys horizontally with both of her arms.

"DERR! DERR! DERR! DERR! DERR!" Undyne grunted as she repeatedly slammed Alphys against the pot, with Alphys' sheer weight crushing the pot until it was only about half of its original height.

"WOW! Talk about a CAREFULLY-MADE dish of linguine!" Mettaton laughed as Undyne and Alphys stared introspectively at the finished product of their entire cooking session on live television: a plate of cold and wet noodles, brown and withered herbs, and slimy sauce. Surrounded by flies, no less.

"Nice freaking JOB, Undyne." Alphys scolded her, trying not to jump onto her and maul her freaking face off in frustration.

"Hey, come on, don't blame ME! I'm not the one who thought up this crazy-ass work schedule, you know!" Undyne complained.

"Well, well, well. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Triple well. Triple tsk." Mettaton sighed. "Looks like today's contestants have indeed failed MISERABLY after all, just as I expected!"

"You silly, silly dearies! Don't you understand how cooking shows work? The spaghetti was already COOKED, you nincompoo-poos! Well, anyway, here's your consolation prize, you morons!" Mettaton laughed, handing them a standard-size serving of Chinese fast food with the words FOOK YOO printed on the containers.

"So, uh...any last words before I kick you two out of here?" Mettaton asked.

"I. FREAKING. HATE YOU." Alphys and Undyne both scowled at him in unison.

"That's the spirit!" Mettaton laughed, shoving the two of them into their taxi and giving the driver (Sans) ten bucks as a reward for his efforts before sending our four beloved anti-heroes on their way back to their hotel room. "Goodnight, everyone!"