Skiing Things

CHAPTER 4: SKIING THINGS

"Here we are." Alphys sighed as she, Undyne, Sans, and Papyrus beheld the glorious majesty of the morning view in the mountains of Philadelphia. "The second coldest freaking place I've ever been to."

"Ah, here it is." Sans sighed with relief. "The place I thought I had already given up forever on the notion of going to...looks like my true ambitions have finally been realized after all."

"Uhh...what exactly is so special about THIS? I mean, I, the great Papyrus, HAVE seen it before, you know." Papyrus pointed out, scratching his head.

"It's a beautiful day outside, don't you think?" Sans explained. "Birds are singing, flowers are blooming...and people up here on the surface simply will NOT shut the f*** up about our goddamned overrated video game for some reason."

"Well, at least the great Papyrus is POPULAR up here, RIGHT?" Papyrus shrugged.

"I'd rather be UNPOPULAR as opposed to FREEZING to death, if you ask ME!" Alphys groaned, rolling her eyes.

"Alphys, make up your freaking MIND! Are you suicidal, or AREN'T you?" Undyne asked her.

"I dunno, you tell me, is my SOUL half-empty, or half-FULL?" Alphys asked sarcastically. "OH MY GOD!!!" she suddenly shrieked in pain as Sans snuck up behind her and poured a huge glass of freezing-cold water down her back.

"Get DUNKED on!" Sans laughed.

"Now I can literally FEEL my sins CRAWLING down my freaking SPINE. Thanks a LOT for that, pal." Alphys joked sarcastically, clearly imitating Sans' style.

"Looks like a little bit of ME is rubbing off on YOU, ain't it?" Sans chuckled.

"Well-"

"GREETINGS, darlings! I can clearly see that you four all look absolutely RIDICULOUS as always! Do you get a lot of pussy-CAT with those getups? Anyhoo, do correct me if I'm wrong...but if I'm not mistaken, YOUR time for BLIBBER-BLABBER has LONG since expired!" Mettaton laughed as he used his jetpack propulsion device to fly up onto the top of the mountain and greet his longtime acquaintances; surprisingly, he was still in his box form and was also coincidentally wearing ski gear.

"What do YOU want, bonehead?" Sans asked him.

"Hmph! How RUDE and dare I say HYPOCRITICAL, Sans! You should be ASHAMED of yourself!" Mettaton laughed, flicking a robot booger at him. "That's NO way to greet a GORGEOUS, HANDSOME robot STAR such as myself face-to-FACE PANEL!"

"Hey, Papyrus, you wanna know how to make a tissue dance?" Sans chuckled.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

"Screaming is against the rules, my dear Skeletor FRIEND." Mettaton smirked. "Even if Sans' joke was a little...ON THE NOSE!"

"ALRIGHT, I HAVE OFFICIALLY CHANGED MY MIND! THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE WORST DAY OF MY ENTIRE FABULOUS LIFE!" Papyrus raged.

"Well, guess what, HONEY? This JUST SO HAPPENS to be the BEST day of MY entire FABULOUS life!" Mettaton jeered. "And what better way to kick off such a day...than an extreme HOVER-SKI RACE down the side of a mountain and through the largely de-FOREST-ed range surrounding it? Have FUN, cutie-toots!"

"Um...I don't want to insult YOUR HEINOUS or anything, but...don't we need SKI GEAR for this?" Undyne asked.

"Aren't you already wearing rather GORGEOUS sets of ski clothes, if I do say so myself?" Mettaton jeered. "Oh my, you really do look FABULOUS, my darlings! But just in case you adorable little dolts have somehow forgotten what you learned from practicing in Snowdin, allow me to demonstrate to you...how it's done!"

"Please don't turn into Mettaton EX, PLEASE don't turn into Mettaton EX!" Alphys begged him.

"WHY NOT?!" Mettaton moaned fabulously as he transformed into his drop-dead-sexy humanoid form, Mettaton EX, with the classic emo hairstyle and everything. "After all, my darlings, I'm just getting STARTED!" he teased his newest victims- I mean- contestants as he turned his back towards them with skintight ski suit in tow.

"Why, I daresay that this glimmering metal body of mine perhaps even feels as if I'm wearing...NOTHING AT ALL!" Mettaton EX jeered, shaking his booty at Alphys, who shielded her eyes with her hands in response.

"Are you okay, Alphys?" Undyne asked her.

"N-never before Mettaton EX h-has a robot, e-especially of my own c-creation, c-caused me to q-question my sexuality this m-much..." Alphys shuddered, trying to erase the imagery of Mettaton EX's scantily-clad butt from her mind.

"H-HEY! You trying to STEAL my girlfriend?! You son of a smartass BITCH! EAT SNOW!" Undyne yelled furiously at Mettaton EX, packing huge snowballs together and throwing them directly at him.

"Again, why NOT? I mean, after all, you ought to know that she is indeed my EX-girlfriend. It's in the name, after all." Mettaton EX laughed. "Sad, I know, but still true nonetheless."

"I hate to BUTT into your fascinating little conversation here..." Sans winked at the audience. "but does anyone happen to know where the nearest food joint is? I'm starving!"

"Who needs food joints when you can literally just straight-up eat food...RIGHT OFF OF MY JOINTS?!" Mettaton EX laughed, posing his legs in just about the hottest way imaginable.

"AHHH!!! MY EYES! THE GLASSES DO NOTHING!" Alphys screamed as blood sprayed from her eyeballs in the exact same manner as in any relatively NORMAL person's nosebleed.

"Wow, I think I might just have a legitimately real b-"

"DON'T. EVEN. GO THERE." Papyrus warned Sans. "People on the Internet are probably WATCHING us right now, for all we know!"

"OF COURSE THEY ARE!" Mettaton EX laughed maniacally as Alphys and friends suddenly felt themselves being quite literally watched by the invisible cameras surrounding the four of them.

"In fact, would any of you care to BET how many people have seen you poor, misguided fools in your KITTEN PAJAMAS by now? Come on, seriously, I DARE you! I DOUBLE-dare you, motherf***ers! JUST GUESS!" Mettaton EX snickered gleefully.

"43 BILLION, I assume?" Alphys sighed.

"Well, not quite yet, but we're certainly GETTING there, aren't we?" Mettaton EX laughed, displaying a hologram of the number of people who had Alphys and friends in their absolutely ridiculous-looking new jackets. "I can definitely assure you that it's WELL over 9,000!"

"Heh...when I'm done with you, you're gonna be SCREWED about 35 billion different ways, pal." Sans muttered under his breath while Alphys just stood there, gaping in shock.

"Oh, one more thing, darlings...here are your skis." Mettaton EX informed them. "Your goal is to navigate all the way through this deadly skiing obstacle course with trees up the wazoo until you reach the finish line, and whoever reaches said finish line first will recieve a simply MARVELOUS prize! Don't disappoint me, beauties! TOODLES!" he laughed, transforming back into his box form and flying off to the finish line.

"Well? What are you WAITING for, darling?" Mettaton teased Alphys through her cell communications device. "Aww, is little miss Kitty-Cat afraid of HEIGHTS? OWWWWWW!!! Oh, who am I freaking kidding, JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!"

"Alright...here goes nothing." Alphys sighed. "You ready, Undyne?"

"You better believe it!" Undyne laughed. "I LIVE for this kinda stuff, baby!"

"And that's what worries me..." Alphys sighed.

"Aw, don't worry, it's her funeral, not yours." Sans told Alphys in an attempt to cheer her up. "I mean, it's not like YOU have a few nasty SKELETONS in your closet or anything..."

"SANS!" Papyrus yelled at him. "Let's get a MOVE on already! I'm so cold, I'm SHIVERING!"

"Alright, darlings, are you ready for some fabulous racing beauty?" Mettaton teased them. "On my sexily drawn mark! Get your body set! GO F*** YOURSELF!"

And so Alphys slid down the mountain, with Sans, Papyrus and Undyne right next to her.

"ALRIGHT! This is AMAZING! I haven't been THIS excited since the day that Alphys gave me CONSENT!" Undyne laughed with excitement, her ponytail blowing in the wind as she whizzed past the mechanical trees sticking out of the mountain's downward slope at about 95 MPH.

"Holy shit, I JUST realized that these things were rocket-powered..." Sans gasped, looking down at his skis as he teleported himself (and his skis) out of the way of each obstacle.

"Why is that a problem, Sans? Rockets make EVERYTHING awesome!" Papyrus laughed as he swerved right through a huge slalom of trees.

"How about you, Alphys?" Undyne asked as she hit a ramp-shaped rock formation and briefly flew into the air.

"I must not fear, fear is the mind killer, fear is the little death that brings total oblivion..." Alphys mumbled to herself upon realizing that the mountain was almost as tall as Mount Everest; her life was already beginning to flash before her eyes as her and her friends rapidly descended closer and closer to ground level at terminal velocity on their skis. Also, she was shivering.

"ALPHYS?" Undyne asked. "You're not DAYDREAMING about me again, are you?"

"O-okay, d-don't p-panic! R-remember what Sans s-said!" Alphys stammered, breaking out into a cold sweat as a thought bubble containing Sans appeared right behind her.

"If you keep going the way you are now, you're gonna have a bad-"

Suddenly, without warning, Alphys' vision of Sans was interrupted at the worst possible moment by a mental image of Undyne shaking her booty while wearing Mettaton EX's ski suit.

"Feels like I'm wearing...nothing at all! Nothing at all! NOTHING AT ALL!" Undyne teased her, with the thought bubble zooming in closer and closer on Undyne's butt until Alphys could practically taste it; all Alphys could do in the meantime was stare awkwardly behind her in a very fourth-wall-breaking manner.

"GAH! Stupid sexy Undyne!" Alphys cringed as the thought bubble finally disappeared; unfortunately, however, she accidentally split her legs a bit too far apart on the skis.

"OH, GOD, MY LEGS!" Alphys wailed in pain. "THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER- DOH! DOO! OW! OOF! OWWWWWW-HOW-HOW-HOW-HOWWW!!!" Alphys cried as she was hit right in the crotch by several strategically placed tree stumps in a row.

"HA HA! Looks like Alphys' dirty little secret involving Undyne is beginning to SNOWBALL!" Mettaton laughed on his public television broadcast as Alphys lost her footing and tumbled directly onto the slope of the mountain, where she began to roll up into a giant snowball.

"HA HA! What a pathetic, incompetent fool!" Barack Obama laughed in the White House while eating potato chips in his polka-dotted pajamas.

"I hope we never grow up to be fatass losers like HER!" a pair of West Virginian kids laughed in their trailer home while drinking lard out of a straw.

MEANWHILE IN AFRICA...

"We could have EATEN that snow, you know!" a group of kids in Africa yelled angrily as Alphys accidentally urinated into the snowball that she was trapped in.

MEANWHILE IN RUSSIA...

"I feel really bad for that poor little girl, she's such a damned sweetheart." a poverty-stricken old woman in Russia sobbed, chugging down half of an entire bottle of vodka.

"Oh, don't feel too bad about it, it's just comedy!" her equally poverty-stricken husband chuckled, chugging down the other half of an entire bottle of vodka.

MEANWHILE IN PARIS...

"Ooh la LA! Take THAT, feminazis!" a pair of gay French men laughed. "One of these days, somebody oughta shove a BAGUETTE up your stinky asses! Now EXCUSE us while we return to FRENCH-kissing each other. Oh, and also eating snails. That too."

MEANWHILE IN TOKYO...

"OOO! THIS SKIING SHOW IS VERY FUN AND EXCITING! WOW! OH MY GOD! IT IS AMAZING! HOLD ME! HOLD ME, WAIFU ALPHYS! I CREAM MY PANTS!" an overexcited, pillow-hugging Japanese nerd fangasmed over the fact that he was seeing Undertale characters in real life.

MEANWHILE IN SPAIN...

"Hmph! She has the looks of a fiercely attractive stallion, but the brains of an unwashed mule." a Spanish matador with rather questionable taste in women laughed snootily at the local bar.

"That's a GIRL?!" the guy sitting right next to him gasped.

MEANWHILE BACK WHERE WE FREAKING STARTED...

"OH, BOY! Looks like Papyrus is now running backwards atop the enormous snowball that Alphys has become! WHAT THE- HE'S EVEN STEERING IT! HOW IN THE HELL IS HE EVEN DOING SUCH AN INSANELY BEAUTIFUL THING?!" Mettaton gasped.

"Um, okay, this does NOT look good here, um..." Sans stammered with fright as he levitated Alphys' snowball over a big line of tree stumps.

"ALPHYS! You still alive in there?" Undyne asked Alphys, ducking under a low tree branch and spreading her legs out to avoid yet another tree stump as she and Sans weaved and bobbed their way through the thick formations of trees and landmines in the forest.

"Hey, Undyne!" Mettaton greeted Undyne through Alphys' cell communications device. "Alphys isn't going to last much longer in there before she becomes a...DORKSICLE! OWWWWWW! Therfefore...do you think you can throw her as far as you can trust her?" Mettaton asked.

"A LOT farther, to put it LIGHTLY." Sans shuddered, noting that the last leg of the course was suspiciously devoid of obstacles. "Papyrus, get on my back!"

"Yes, sir!" Papyrus obeyed as Sans levitated him onto his back.

"Okay, good to hear, Undyne! Have a nice day knowing that your dorky little butt-buddy is about to be fried into a dainty little crisp by laser beams right up ahead!" Mettaton laughed, revealing the anti-lizard laser grid trap that he had set up at the end of the course.

"WAIT! NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT-" Undyne screamed as Mettaton hung up. "GODDAMN YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH! ERRRAUUUGH!" Undyne yelled furiously as she lifted Alphys into the air, struggling while doing so despite the sheer strength of her arms.

"Papyrus, get on my back!" Sans commanded Papyrus.

"Yes, sir!" Papyrus obeyed as Sans levitated him onto his back.

"JEEZ LAWHEEZE, ALPHYS, WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU EAT?!" Undyne wailed from how hard she was straining herself. There was no response.

"Looks like you've done her a real FROZEN solid!" Mettaton jeered as Undyne furiously hurled Alphys all the way over the laser grid and to the finish line.

"Oh my, it looks like everyone else is going to die now, whatever shall they DO?! Oh, of course, the laser grid of death only affects lizards. Damn it, I KNEW I shouldn't have bought the CHEAP brand! Remember, folks, ALWAYS buy MTT-brand products!" Mettaton chuckled as his audience laughed along with him.

"So, how was the RIDE?" Mettaton smirked, pointing his microphone toward Undyne and her friends.

"I have NEVER wanted to kill someone THIS much before, sir. If you were organic, I'd rip your f***ing intestines out, use them as a jump rope, and then feed the rest of the guts to the wolves because that's just how much I freaking HATE them." Undyne scowled at him.

"My GOODNESS, Undyne, this is a FAMILY show! Now be a good lady and stand still the next time I try to murder you, okay?" Mettaton laughed. "How about you, skele-bros?"

"Okay, we've got exactly two things to say regarding you. First of all, you're a freaking WEIRDO!" Papyrus sneered.

"Second of all...look, buddy, I don't know what's gotten into you, but if you don't knock it the hell off, I'm afraid I'm going to have to slam you 86 different ways from Sunday until you literally start to wish that your mother had never even been born. Howsaboutit?" Sans chuckled.

"Umm...o-k-k-kay!" Mettaton shuddered. "Hey, my wonderful audience! Let's see if Undyne can BREAK THE ICE with Alphys! Wink, wink! Nudge, nudge!" he snickered.

"My God, could this day POSSIBLY get ANY worse?" Papyrus sighed.

"OH MY GOD, NO, NO, NO, NO, GOD, PLEASE, NO!" Undyne gasped in shock as she dug out all the snow surrounding Alphys, revealing Alphys' body, which had been frozen into a cartoonish ice cube. "WHY, OH GOD, WHY?!" she collapsed onto her knees and sobbed, burying her head in her hands.

"My, MY, would you look at THAT? TALK about CHILLY reception, am I right?" Mettaton smirked as Undyne stood back up and snarled at him. "And now for the grand finale of today's episode, ladies and gentlemen! The fabulous...the gorgeous...the HANDSOME...METTATON EX!"

"Not gay...NOT gay..." Papyrus stammered nervously as Mettaton EX made his second entrance.

"Don't you know how drama shows WORK? The heroes ALWAYS find a way OUT of whatever's TROUBLING them, regardless of how DEMEANING it may be! And who could be a more perfect fit for the role of the big damned hero than ME?!" Mettaton EX laughed, giving Papyrus the middle finger. "Not so great NOW, ARE YOU, Pappy?"

"It just got worse..." Papyrus sobbed.

"Watch me as I melt this ice in the most FANTASTICALLY, PHANTASMICALLY, ORGASMICALLY beautiful method ever devised by mankind: with my GORGEOUSLY long and slender LEGS, Of course!" Mettaton EX laughed as he activated the thermal heat generators on his legs and sexily rubbed them against the frozen Alphys-cube.

"Oh goodness, this is making my HEART melt like a socially awkward, bespectacled little POPSICLE! How SAD! Oh, boo hoo! BOO FREAKING HOO!" Mettaton EX jeered sarcastically as he melted Alphys back to normal with his legs.

"Wow, this guy's freaking NUTS!" Undyne whispered to Sans.

"You JUST NOW realized that?" Sans groaned.

"He's also BOLTS too!" Papyrus snickered as Mettaton EX finally finished unfreezing Alphys, causing her to collapse onto the ground unconscious.

"DING! NERD IS DONE! I sure hope you boys enjoy eating your best friend COLD! SO LONG, SUCKERS! Oh, and did I forget to say TOODLES!" Mettaton laughed, transforming back into his box form and flying away to recharge his batteries (which only took about one minute with him).

"Alphys! Wake up!" Undyne begged the unconscious Alphys, cradling her in her arms and shaking her until she was awake.

"U-U-Un-d-d-dyne...P-P-please t-t-take m-m-me s-s-some-w-w-where w-w-warm..." Alphys stammered, shivering intensely from how cold she was. A few seconds later, she passed out in Undyne's arms.

"Come on, guys. It's time for us to find some shelter." Undyne sighed as the four of them set out on their journey.