Calling FTisland_BigBang

Boyfriend Order Up!

Reviewer: BeHappy

Title (9/10pts): The title gives off a fun, young feeling, so I like it. You said you'd explain the title and I'm sure you will, but up until now, I'm not seeing a relation between the title and the story...

Graphics/Trailer (5/5pts): I really LOVE the poster! The colors are really well blended together and I adore the little sparkles and lights! 

Description & Foreword (10/15pts): Your description was...really short. In fact, it's only three lines and doesn't really relate much to the four chapters you have up so far. The foreword was quite short as well, and there were some grammatical mistakes that I'll point out later. 

Characters (10/10pts): Good characterization; they stay in character. Just a tip: use your characters' names where it says "Characters". After the characters' names, you can put in parentheses "(Original Characters). 

Plot (...): So far I can't really tell what the plot is going to be. But! It's not your fault! You only have four chapters up, that's why. Your story is intersting as well!

Mechanics [Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Syntax, etc] (10/20pts): Let's start with your foreword. "You will be report!" should be "You will be reported!" Then throughout the story, you have consistent errors. You said in chapter one "Like the woman did, they have the same expression." It should be "Like the woman, they have the same expression."

Also, you don't have complete sentences....for example also in chapter one, you said "Sora nodded, they went inside." To be a full sentence, it should be "Sora nodded and they went inside."

In addition, try to avoid using numerical numbers. For instance, you said there was a woman in her "mid 30s". It would have been better to write a woman in her "mid thirties". 

Morever, do your best to avoid using pictures and if you have to, hotlink them. Otherwise, your readers will have a lot of scrolling to do, with pictures interrupting their reading. 

Furthermore, avoid the "One week later..." and then start the events. Instead, you can write "A week later, ______" The ____ is the rest of the sentence. 

Since your errors are consistent as well (meaning you make the same mistakes), I would suggest you find a betta reader because unfortunately, a review can't help all of that. 

Flow (7/10pts): Your flow was affected because of grammar errors and awkward time changes, for example, "one week later...." and "one month later..."

Visual things (9/10pts): Different from other fanfics, your print is rather...large for my taste. Also, the poster is a bit large.

Ending (15pts): (The ending is extremely important! You can rock the story, but bomb the end.) Does the ending make sense? Was the story wrapped up well? If a cliff-hanger was used, was it successful?  *Only graded if story is finished*

Bonus (5/5pts possible): Poster was awesome!

Extra Comments/Notes/Author's Comment:

Your plot and story is great, but I would strongly recommend a beta reader if you would like to improve as you write. Also, I'm very sorry this took two weeks!

Total: 65/85

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