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Author: ChubbyBunny Chapters: TBA Status: Ongoing Reviewer: byzelo
Title: (4/5)
I don't know if it's just me... but I don't really fancy the title. It looks kind of simple, so honestly, at first glance, I don't think I'll click on this story if I see it floating around FFO! But that's probably just me, because it really suits your story so far! It sounds like it fits in the suspense and mystery tag. I like the feeling it gives off now that I've read the current posted chapters!
Foreword/Description: (5/10)
Foreword - A sneak-peek of the story, hmmm? And it's like, basically one of the most important scenes in the story. You got me all, "I need to subscribe, I want to know the ending, oh my God." I like this segment. However, I found a few mistakes:
- "Alison...she's missing." To be honest, I think it looks better as "Alison... Sh- she's missing."
As you mentioned, this Hanna girl is panting, isn't she? Pausing or writing sentences that seemed as if she's trying to catch her breath, will give the readers more idea of how the characters are talking.
- "Danielle'e eyes widened..."
Typing error.
- "Danielle ran to her mom who was parked by the sidewalk." ...Mom? Parked?
I get what you're trying to say but try to be more specific. You meant her mom's car, don't you?
- "Two can keep a secret is one of them is dead.-A"
Another typing error. Oh, and the -A, try putting a space before it, so that it doesn't look so cramped altogether.
Description - Not exactly mistakes, but I just had to point these out.
- "You've heard of Emily Fields, Hanna Marin, Aria Montgomery, and Spencer Hastings."
You sounded as if you assumed all your readers heard of them before, some might not had, but then again, I think most of the readers who clicked on this story've heard of them. How does "You've probably heard of Emily Fields, Hanna Marin, Aria Montgomery, and Spencer Hastings." sound? I mean, personally, I've never heard of them, because I've never seen the Pretty Little Liars series before. I just googled about PLL and knew they're the characters' names in that series.
- "...little liars the same ever again."
The same way, that's what you meant to say right? I understand what you were trying to say but placing the word 'way' there would make readers understand you more.
Remember to proofread your foreword/description next time! They may not be what readers focus on but it can help decide on whether your story sounded professional or not. A good foreword/description with good grammars attract readers who seek stories with good English! The thing is you do have good English, your only flaw for now is that you need to proofread again.
Plot and Originality: (16/20)
Characterisation: (15/15)
I like how you didn't reveal the characters' personalities in the foreword/description. As a person who had no background knowledge on the original characters' personalities, I had to guess how they are. That's something I like doing! So, full mark on this!
Flow: (9/15)
To be honest, the chapters looked kind of short. Some scenes were too rushed. They may seemed fine at first glance, but I felt that you could've done better by explaining about the characters' actions more, so it can seems more realistic.
Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (15/25)
I didn't spot any visible grammar mistakes. However, here are a few errors:
- "Danielle and Alison headed to a near by salon..."
Near and by should be connected as a word.
- "She opened the envelope and pulled out a polaroid picture of her right..."
The p on polaroid should be capitalized as P.
- "Alison burst into a fit of laughter as she looked down at the pititful girl."
- "Awh, poor Mona. Anywhere she goes...she'll always be a loser."
You might think that the Awh part shouldn't even be bolded, but 'Awh' sounds kind of weird. How about 'Aw'? And remember to capitalized after the ... part, and leave a space after.
- "Danielled walked over to her closet and..."
- "Grabbing her white crossbody bag, she..."
Is 'crossbody' a brand or something, because I don't know much about brands but if it is, do capitalize it, since it is a name.
A reminder again, please proofread! Your story's professional enough, with a few edits here and there, it'll be a good story!
Vocabulary: (3/5)
You used some pretty simple vocabularies... But they were all really relate-able to the story though. Expanding your use of vocabulary will make your story better!
Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (3/5)
I only remember the scene where Mona bumped into Ali and was kind of bullied right there and then in the cafeteria. I like bullying scenes, maybe that's why. But this is a nice story so far, I don't think I'll mind coming back to re-read this again in the future.
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simulacrum on says about chapter 29:
Thank your for the review! And it's alright if it's late... I'm in no rush plus I understand that you have a life behind your computer! ^O^ I'm glad that I improved (even by a little bit) but there's still room for more and I'll try to strive perfection next time (not like I've been already trying to... but you get what I mean XD)! >:D And for the biological matter, you're right about how she learned that from her studies... I've seen a lot of kids around her age (rl) who knew big words like those (they're the studious kind) so I used that inference in my story! ^-^;;
--SandremSHADE__ on says about chapter 27:
Today i got the oneshot and it is splendid! Thanks a lot for the oneshot and I absolutly love it. No need for sorry, it got mended. And the story was awesome. Thanks once again^^
simulacrum on says about chapter 26:
I requested again! I wanted to see how much I improved my story for Warmth~ kekeke I have my fingers crossed XD
--SandremSHADE__ on says:
I requested once again. Plz do the fic as quickiy as possible. Thnx.
IFeelGood on says about chapter 16:
may i ask, how long does it take to write a chapter for this 'story'? you write really long and helpful chapters
--SandremSHADE__ on says about chapter 25:
Can u plz do my story a little quickly? I kno tht u hav a lyf outside this site n stuff but i can't wait 4 long! Hope u kindly get my words. I'll b waiting 4 my story. Thnx.
daeguknamahForever on says about chapter 2:
I requested.
simulacrum on says about chapter 25:
Thank you for the review! I really appreciate it :) When I saw those errors it made me really think: "I reviewed it so much, how can this happen?!" well, maybe I wasn't careful enough OTL I'll fix my story, and maybe then I'll actually bring you tears ;D lol I wish.
applecyanide on says about chapter 2:
Hello, hello, hello. I requested for a review. Just as a warning, since this story was meant as a fanfiction for a specific fandom, it might be confusing for some readers who have never heard of the story (Naruto). So, I would prefer if the reviewer (whoever it is) to at least be somewhat acquainted with it. Then again, he/she doesn't have to be. You can always ask me questions if you need any clarifications, and there's always the Naruto wiki page. I just hope that because the story may be lacking a few background info (cause fans usually hate reading that when they already know /everything/), you guys won't deduct points or anything. I'm just looking for a critical review of my writing, nothing else. Okay, that was kinda long. Sorry! And thank you!
-serendipitous- on says about chapter 2:
I've applied as a reviewer.
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