○creamson○

 New Moon 

Title: (5/5)

Your title is definitely interesting.  Personally, I would click on it if I saw it. It isn’t extremely long-winded nor does it stray away from what the story is actually about. Based on what I have read so far in the story, it suits the title and I think it gives the feeling that you’re trying to get the readers to feel when they read the title.

Foreword/Description: (9.5/10)

The foreword is simple and already I can feel that something sad is going to going to happen. It definitely intrigues me and I would keep reading to find out what happens next. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say because as a foreword/description and as something that is supposed to make readers interested in the story, I find that it does its job perfectly. Its downfall, very minor mistake, is the punctuation which will be shown in the punctuation section. When I was reading the description, readers can see that this story is going to be sad. It reaffirms theories that ‘Crimson’ (Pierre) is a broken person and doesn’t have a purpose to live. Even that is intriguing as a character.

Plot and Originality: (15/20)

I’m not entirely sure what this story is supposed to be about. I don’t know what the conflict is, and therefore I’m uncertain of the plot. It is purely supposed to be focused on the two completely different characters’ friendship. I think that maybe the plot is where the two characters will probably go through a situation which puts their friendship at risk which may be presented in future chapters. At the moment, the story is focused on their friendship, and since there isn’t really any conflict present in their friendship so far, or rather for ten years, I’m not going to judge this section too harshly because it’s not present so far.

In terms of originality, it is original. The story line is somewhat seen before in almost all fanfictions, dramas, movies etc. Two completely different characters with contradicting personalities, ideals and morals are friends with each other. They both care for each other deeply but both feel different about their friendship. This is seen very often where one character, in Asian dramas, movies, fanfiction etc. it is the guy, who is very cold, emotionless and barely interacts with anyone except for that one person. However, normally the girl who the guy interacts is portrayed as the antagonist and is the ‘third party’. It is nice to not see that. I like that you portray this from both of these perspectives.

Characterisation: (15/15)

You really do bring these characters, Pierre (Crimson) and Liv (Clover) to life. They are both opposing characters with different personalities, ideals, etc. You really bring out their characteristics. Pierre is a bit indifferent to everything around him and he thinks very pessimistically about everything except for when it comes to Liv. Liv, on the other hand, is different and isn’t so pessimistic. She accepts everything as it is and doesn’t do much to change things even though she may not like her current circumstances. They both hold each other in high regard and love each other. The difference is how they love each other. I feel that Liv loves Pierre as a friend and possible older brother. Pierre loves also as a younger sister but does actually have romantic feelings for her to the point that she is possibly the reason why he’s alive.

When I read about Pierre and how much he treasures Liv, I feel that there are unrequited feelings that he doesn’t realise because he doesn’t think he likes her (I think). If not, then he knows but he’s resorted to admiring her from afar. I have a feeling that maybe this love is impossible for him and her. He’s probably tried to get over her but it hasn’t worked, so he decides that he’ll admire her and love her silently. If that was your intention, then congratulations on making me sympathise with Pierre and lets readers see Pierre’s emotions in a better light. It’ll be interesting to see how their friendship progresses from here.

At first they aren’t portrayed as being so contrasting but when they were put under similar conditions, it was clear where their differences lay. Both of their mothers left their families and cheated on their husbands. Pierre’s mother left him way before Liv’s mother did. This is consequently where their contrasting natures are shown and developed. Pierre was probably too young to do something but he would have probably done something to stop his mother, because afterwards he bitterly resents his mother. Liv doesn’t do anything but unlike Pierre, who in the aftermath hated his mother, she just wanted to turn back time and try to convince her mother to stay. This speaks volumes in their personalities and you have turned them into memorable characters with realistic characteristics.

Flow: (14.5/15)

Everything flows at a nice pace and nothing seems rushed, or nothing seems to go too slow. In my opinion, your pace was perfect. There were times when some of your sentences didn’t make sense because of missing words and so on, but that will be explained in Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation. There weren’t a lot of these mistakes so it hardly hindered your story.

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (15/25)

*Note: Suggested changes are in red and the majority of it can be found in the first chapter.*

There are mistakes in grammar, spelling and punctuation. Let’s start with grammar. With grammar, there are two errors that were made – tenses and missing words.

Authors pick a tense that they are comfortable with and use it throughout the whole story. Your story, on the other hand, is different. It seems that you are comfortable writing in both tenses which results in half of the story in past tense and the other half in present tense. Choose one and stick with it. Past tense tends to be the easier tense to stick to, but present tense makes the story more vivid. Ultimately it’s up to you but whatever you choose – stick with one and use that same one throughout the whole story. These changes are some of the ones in the first chapter and have been changed to past tense.

Not when he was still hurting from what she did.

Having to deal with the pressures of being a principal of a big school was already exhausting his energy…

As he neared the door that would lead him out of the place choking him…

…but he knew she could see right through him.

...Mr. Princeton decided to kick him out of school already.

… how she managed to make things alright for everybody but most of the time ended up failing to do that to herself.

Sometimes your sentences don’t make sense. There are missing words in between which should be there so that the sentence can make sense.

…face the dreadful realities that await them.

He was sure that the latter statement was wrong.

This sentence doesn’t make sense. It was probably because of a typo or you didn’t add a word in or put in an extra word. Fix it so that it makes sense.

And she so she stayed.

Now, moving onto punctuation where the problem was that there were some punctuation marks missing. This can be found in your foreword. There were also instances where there were punctuation marks that were unnecessary and not needed.

He was red–blood vain and egotistical.

She was sunny, warm and dainty or She was sunny-warm and dainty. (This depends on whether you want ‘sunny’ and ‘warm’ to be separate adjectives, as seen in the first example, or if you want ‘sunny’ and ‘warm’ to be one adjective, then this would be applied by the second example.)

… Liv can shut the world out and live on fictional characters. (There is an apostrophe after ‘characters’ which needs to be removed because it’s unneeded.)

There was only one spelling mistake that I could find.

He was taught not to lie. (The original word was ‘thought’ which doesn’t fit the sentence.)

Vocabulary: (4.5/5)

Your vocabulary, on a whole, was well chosen and it portrayed the feelings I think that you wanted readers to feel. You wanted Pierre to treasure Liv and through your choice of words, readers are able to see this very clearly. However, there are a few instances where you could’ve used better words.

Not when he was still hurting from what she did.

They did attack that night; they managed to invade even the most innocent part of his day—sleep. (The word ‘every’ which was before ‘day’ was taken out.)

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (4.5/5)

I got enjoyed your story and I cannot wait for what will happen next. Your description of the characters was perfect and I felt like I should give you extra points for doing such a good job in terms of characterisation. Keep up the good work.

Total: (83/100) | Grade: B

Note: This review is meant for constructive criticism. However if the opinion in this review has negatively affected you, your feelings or your writing style, please tell us. You deserve an apology even if it is unintentional.

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