○unrealistic_dreamer○

Title: (3/5)

The title of your story is so interesting. Most readers would be wondering ‘What on earth is Midnight Bliss?’ It’s definitely intriguing and I would most certainly click on it if I was browsing for stories to read. Maybe it’s because there is only one chapter to your story so far and that’s why I think that there is no correlation between your title and your story so far. I don’t see where the ‘Midnight Bliss’ comes in but it’s probably somewhere later on in the story.

Foreword/Description: (7/10)

Your description tells readers a little bit of background information on what’s happened, or will happen, in the story.  The first two sentences don’t intrigue me because quite frankly to put it, I’ve seen this plot over and over again. While you might have a different take to it, the general idea is still the same. I haven’t seen it on FFO but I’ve seen it on plenty of other fanfiction sites which make me think, ‘This is probably going to be like the rest of those clichéd stories’. Your third sentence, on the other hand, is what perks up my interest a little. It tells me that the character has secrets and maybe it’s just me but I’ve always loved a little mystery in a fanfiction.

What I must point out (even though it’s not related to your writing) is the copyright sign (©). Unless your story is actually protected by the law of the government, don’t put the copyright sign there. It’s not right to be using the copyright sign to say that if you do steal ideas from this story, be prepared to be sued, when it’s most probably not going to happen. You can tell your readers that this is your story, and your story alone and that no one can come along and pick up the idea and do an almost replica of the story under their name, claiming it to be theirs. Just don’t use the copyright sign.  

Your foreword is very interesting and all sorts of questions pop up in my head. I really wanna know what’s wrong. What are the lies? Why doesn’t she feel like she’s in control of her life? Is it because she’s living with three guys? For your foreword, I congratulate you on perking up readers’ interest and make us want to click ‘Yes’.

Plot and Originality: (11/20)

From the first two sentences of your foreword, I can’t help but feel as though I’ve seen this plot somewhere before. I’m not really into vampire-themed books but as soon as I see this, I know that there must be something similar out there. Your first two sentences tell me that she’s on the run from someone and she somehow ends up in a vampire academy (I do believe there is a book series called ‘Vampire Academy’) that her grandfather owns. And because her grandfather loves her so much, he decides to give her three ‘Guardians’ (at least, that’s what I’m assuming) to protect her. They have to protect her 24/7 which is why she has to live with them and they happen to coincidentally be guys. Come on! What happened to girls? We’re just as good as kicking ass as guys are and could ever be! But you’ve probably put guys there so that there’ll be a love complication that she can’t solve and can’t decide who she likes better because she likes all of them. Overall, it sounds like something that’s been heard before. But don’t take this all to heart; my opinion might change because there is only one chapter up as of right now.

Because FFO is just starting, I’m obviously not going to compare your story to those on FFO – I compare them to most fanfics in generals in terms of originality. Ever since the Dracula (and more recently, the Twilight era), vampires have been a common subject to write about for stories with a hint of supernatural, danger and romance. Why couldn’t you say a different supernatural creature and break stereotypes by making that supernatural creature incredibly hot and not as most people think it to be however it has been characterised over the years? Take for example the movie ‘Shrek’. Ogres are supposed to be scary and aren’t supposed to fall in love and they’re supposed to terrorise people and steal their land. Does Shrek do that? No, he doesn’t. He only goes along with stereotypes because that’s what everyone assumes him to be. I just really think that you could’ve used another supernatural creature that doesn’t receive much attention and then your plot won’t seem a little over-used.

Characterisation: (10/15)

There isn’t much I can say about characterisation because there’s only one chapter. What I can say about your main character is that she’s very frustrated at her mother because her mother refuses to give her any details about her father. She wants to know about her father and yearns for him a lot as well as a complete family. Even though it might seem like she might hate her mother, she doesn’t. She cares for her but probably doesn’t want to admit it. To me, that sounds like a typical teenage girl. I really hope that I can see this character fleshed out a lot more in the upcoming chapters.

Flow: (9/15)

The first paragraph of your first chapter was very well done and constructed. It sets readers in the present time and what the main character is doing. There is a flow to it already. Your second paragraph comes (or rather the first two sentences of it) and your flow is disrupted. If you could, it would be better if you introduced the character’s details throughout the chapter or maybe even later in the story. Introducing your character’s name and age sounds like a planned introduction and it degrades your writing almost. Try to reword the first two sentences of your second paragraph because your writing style suddenly changes and it makes readers go, ‘What happened?’ The rest of your paragraph is perfectly fine.

The rest of your chapter moves a little bit fast. I generally like reading to stories that have detail and therefore have a slower pace, compared to most readers. However, your chapter was a little bit rushed and you didn’t have enough time building up the suspense and the atmosphere the main character felt when the men came over and starting talking to her mother. If you could build upon that a little bit more then ‘tada!’ your story has come to life.

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (21/25)

*Note: All suggested changes are in red and are only in the first chapter.*

There are a few mistakes with this section. There are a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but there are none for punctuation (Yay!). First off, let’s start with grammar and here a few examples of the mistakes you’ve made. This one is made in your foreword/description.

“Without fear there can be no courage.” Is this a quote from a famous person? If this is one, then you can skip onto the next example. If it isn’t, keep reading. The sentence has a little incorrect grammar. To make the sentence correct, it would have to be changed to, “Without fear, there is no courage.” The sentence still makes sense the way it is, but if you changed it, it would make even more sense.

Another thing to be extremely cautious of is the verbs you use and along with those verbs the tenses that occur. While your story is set in past tense, you put the following word in past tense when it should just be:

I froze in question whether or not…

Sometimes in your sentences, there are unnecessary words added in the sentence which doesn’t help it.

My first reaction was to ignore it for until I heard the voices of men. (Take out ‘for’. It makes more sense if you take it away and the sentence sounds well-put together.)

One of the main parts of speech is verbs. Within verbs there are two different categories; auxiliary verb and main verb. There is an instance where you don’t put the two together when they are supposed to be. In this example, you need an auxiliary verb and a main verb so that your sentence makes sense.

The shadows of three people were displayed on the floor of the living room. (Add in ‘were’.)

Now going onto spelling, there are a few mistakes when it comes to spelling. There is one in your foreword/description while the rest are found in your first chapter.

‘Plagierize’ should be ‘plagiarize’.

‘Out of curiously’ should be ‘Out of curiosity, I walked…’

 …what had happened downstairs other than a scene… (‘downstairs’ is one word and shouldn’t be separated by a space.)

The easiest way to prevent a spelling mistake: spell check! It’s such a good function which can be found when editing your story. As mentioned above, there are absolutely no punctuation mistakes – that’s a first!

Vocabulary: (4/5)

I have no problems with your vocabulary because you don’t use the wrong words. Your words are very simple and it is perfect for your story. Once you get used to using this type of language, you could try and use more sophisticated words that could carry your meaning even better.

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (4/5)

Your first chapter is a good first start but I can’t help but feel as though the ending there could have been a bit more action/danger/suspense. Maybe you could’ve added that the main character thought that those men were following her or she could feel their eyes burning into her back as she just jumped down from the window. It’s a good start and hopefully, I’ll be seeing more good chapters and stuff coming from it.

Total: (69/100) | Grade: C+

Note: This review is meant for constructive criticism. However if the opinion in this review has negatively affected you, your feelings or your writing style, please tell us. You deserve an apology even if it is unintentional.

Thank you for requesting from us. Remember to comment once you have seen this review. If you want to you can put this into a blog because there is no guarantee that this review will be here forever. And also remember to credit this shop in the foreword/description of your story, Midnight Bliss.