○WinnieStar○

Title: (3/5)

Your title is fairly catchy and at first impressions, it is relevant to your story because it is about someone who has running her whole life. It has a nice ring to it but it sounds a tad cliché. It doesn’t really seem like the title to attract readers but if readers see this title, they’ll click on it but it isn’t a title that makes people go, “OMG! I have to read this.” However, your title is easy to remember and is relevant to the story and the conflict presented in the story.  

Foreword/Description: (6/10)

Your description is very straight to the point that while there is some question that leave readers wondering as to what will continue to happen in the story, most of the suspense is taken away. In a way, after reading, readers are not wondering why the girl is running and so on. I guess you have tried to make the story sound interesting but all the possible suspense has been lost. I think the reason is due to sentence structure. I also think that in a way, you might have revealed a tad too much information which can be discovered as the story develops along. The third sentence does not make sense. It starts out fine but the last part of the sentence genuinely confuses me so I have no idea what you are trying to say. But the best part is that readers can understand what your description is mostly about.

Your foreword consists of notes for readers to read and take into consideration. This is good to see because some readers are picky and do not like this or that about the way certain writers write. This is almost like a caution warning for readers to know what they are in for. Overall, your description is okay but it can improve and your foreword is very considerate to readers and subscribers.

Plot and Originality: (14/20)

The plot consists of a girl who has been on the run her whole life. She doesn’t know why she’s being chased but somewhere along the way she’s figured it out for herself. She has been running her whole life because she needs to get away from some people who she has no idea what they will do to her once they get their hands on her. Along the way, she meets Takahashi Tamaki who finds out who she is to his father. I don’t know why but I feel like this plot could have been so much more. Personally, there could be a lot more angst because the girl has been on the run. Right there, there are so many emotions and adventures she would have experienced. There could be so much angst in this story, apart from the friendship occurring between the main characters. But maybe that’s because this story only has three chapters so I don’t really know what’s going to happen next, if there any more plot twists or backdrop information coming around the corner (which I am sure will come). I don’t think there’s much you can talk about at this stage because the readers have already been exposed to both Tamaki’s and the girl’s past. However, I am sure that the plot will brighten up because I am sure they are going to have many adventures in the future.

Originality in this story is something first seen on FFO but FFO is practically inactive so… In terms of fanfiction and stories in general, this isn’t the first time that the main character, who is always normally a girl, has been on the run and meets a guy. There have been very similar situations where the girl is in danger because of what she is capable of and therefore, she must go into hiding. (Does the Divergent series ring a bell?) However, you have added a serious plot twist. The girl is nine years old. That is something never done before. You have taken a plot used many times and created a serious plot twist that makes it uniquely your own. Overall, I feel that the plot is good and you do have some originality however the plot could be improved, but there are only three chapters so there isn’t much to worry about.   

Characterisation: (10/15)

Because there are only three chapters in this story so far, there isn’t a lot that we know about the girl or Tamaki.

Firstly, starting with the girl, I feel like she is a bit childish considering what she has been through. Also, because of what she has been through, I don’t think she should show her emotions to a lot of people and would probably keep to herself most of the time. She is also extremely talented for a nine year-old.  At first I felt this was a tad far-fetched however this is the exact reason why those people are hunting her down. I also think that she would have been more careful after being on the run for five years already. However, Tamaki, very easily, makes her into a typical nine year-old who is careless and becomes unaware of the time. She also shows her emotions to him really easily. This is something that I find a bit unrealistic because I am sure that if anyone saw a nine year-old kid running around, they would ask where her parents are and try to approach her to see if they can help. Tamaki doesn’t even offer her help, he just talks to her for a little bit and during that time they were talking, she seems to trust him already. And considering everything she has been through, I don’t think she would so gladly accept someone’s trust nor would she accept someone’s gratitude because her guard has constantly been up. I don’t know why but she has a set of characteristics that in theory she should have but her characteristics are different than expected which can be seen throughout the story. There is something else that I am wondering about her.  She says that she travelled the world, getting on any transport she can which makes me wonder, where did she get the money to do all these things? Wait, I know. She stole a lot of those things but then, how did she get onto certain types of transport without an adult?

So, moving onto Takahashi Tamaki, there isn’t much we know about him. He seems to be the happy-go-lucky type and I find him a bit childish for his age. Considering that his father has neglected him for years, it seems likely that he looks really happy and has friends when he could be really lonely. He seems like the character that will pull a certain character of their shell and help them embrace their potential (or quite possibly the other way around). I have a feeling that he will be the one who will end up bringing the girl out of her shell (if he hasn’t done that already, or vice-versa). The one thing that I found unrealistic about his character is that if he hates his father for searching after some girl, wouldn’t he also hate the girl? They are the same person and after years of being neglected by his father, I felt that maybe he should have started thinking that if it weren’t for that girl; his father would still be with him. I feel like maybe he should be harbouring some sort of hatred towards her for ‘taking’ his father from him.

Apart from that, your characters, considering their history and experiences, could be really dimensional but some of their tracts aren’t quite realistic. But who knows? There are only three chapters.

Flow: (8/15)

So far the pacing of this story is a tad fast. If this was slowed down a bit and if they were some really emotive language in the chapters, the flow and pacing would be perfect. In my opinion, in terms of the story flowing, there were a few factors that hindered it from doing so. This was caused by grammar and punctuation mostly which will be shown in its respective section. Apart from that, some parts of the story really flowed well and some were rushed that everything took place very quickly. On a whole I think the story should be slowed down and every action/event that occurs should be described in detail, especially those have a massive impact on the story (so far I don’t see any scenes like that but I’m sure it’s bound to come up soon).

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (18/25)

*Note: all suggested changes are in red and can be found in Chapter 1.*

There were a few grammar mistakes, absolutely no spelling mistakes and a few punctuation errors. Let’s start with grammar first.

First of all, tenses. In your foreword/description, you use present tense but for the rest of your story, it switches to past tense.  Please, when doing tenses, choose one and stick to it. Be consistent with the tense you have chosen. In your case, I think it would be easier to change everything into past tense as most of your story is in past tense already. In the story, there are also a few instances where the incorrect word for the sentence in past tense is used and therefore, the sentence doesn’t quite make sense, which in turn, hinders the general flow of your story. Here are a few examples.  

Some have helped my parents to let me be born in this tortured world.

I didn’t understand until something happened.

 …since I was practically a womb in my mother’s stomach … (there is no ‘just been’ in between ‘practically’ and ‘a’. If you want to use ‘just been’, then you would have to change the phrase to ‘had just practically been…’.)

There is also one other grammar mistake which I found.

I took a quick glance and saw they’re not there. (There were originally two pronouns beside each other in the sentence ‘they we’re’. That doesn’t make sense. )

Moving onto punctuation, there were a few instances where the incorrect punctuation was used.

For the next two examples, the two phrases need to be separated with a full stop or another punctuation mark that indicates a longer pause than a comma. This is because the two phrases are completely different as one is talking about something else and the other is talking about another thing. If there is no full stop, then a semi-colon (;) at the very least is needed.

I’ve been in hiding. My parents have been running…

...but they didn’t. Instead, those people gave up…

These next two examples also need a full stop because if not then the sentence becomes too long and too much for brains to process for a sentence.

I looked out the broken window; it was rainy. I heard thunder and saw lightning but I wasn’t scared of that.

Suddenly I looked ahead through my blurred vision; I see many staring at me and the people running behind me. They moved away, creating a path and then quickly closing it, making it hard for those mean guys behind me to get to me.

Overall, there weren’t many mistakes. In order to prevent these from occurring, reading and editing the chapter once it has been written helps.

Vocabulary: (3/5)

I am not going to criticise the vocabulary in the story too much. While the genre in this story is what I think should have some form of sophisticated words, however, this is from the perspective from a nine year-old and nine year-olds don’t have an extensive vocabulary. However, I feel that her vocabulary should be even better because considering what she has accomplished on her run about learning different cultures and going everywhere. Yes, she is a nine year-old but she isn’t any nine year-old. She acts like an experienced, wanted fugitive on the run with connections. Personally, her vocabulary should be like asdfghjkl how do you even know all these words? (Considering her brilliant brain.) However, there were a few mistakes.

I dislike their kind; the kind that won’t ever leave you until they’ve got what they want or until they are satisfied.

Like a precious, rare item, impossible to obtain.

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (2/5)

What I really liked about your story was that the plot is really good, the characters are also really good and with these elements in hand and your story could be awesome. At the moment, the plot is underdeveloped and the characters aren’t exactly turning out the way to be expected but I am sure that your story will flourish as you continue writing it J

Total: (64/100) | Grade: C+

Note: This review is meant for constructive criticism. However if the opinion in this review has negatively affected you, your feelings or your writing style, please tell us. You deserve an apology even if it is unintentional.

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