○sleepwalker○

(First of all, as a reviewer’s note: This is now a review of both mine and Cremeplan42. Whatever is said by either reviewer will be put into it's respective colours.)

Title: (4/5)

Your title is interesting and it definitely does capture my attention. I would click on it and read your story if I was browsing for something to read on FFO (which I did when it was featured).  I think that it does match your story, because eventually the character does find the light. The only tiny problem I have with your title is you not using capitals. I know that it might have been on purpose and you might not want to capitalise the first letter of every word in your title, but do capitalise the first letter of ‘and’. It would make your title look better in your foreword, especially when it’s next to the upvote arrow.

Foreword/Description: (8/10)

In your foreword/description, there are three sentences there for your ‘hook’. The first half of your first sentence ‘The autobiographical incident…’ gives the readers the feeling that the story is going to something similar to that of a textbook, or at least the vocabulary will be. The last part of that sentence ‘… told from the eyes of a girl who never believed,’ makes the story sound much more interesting. The same applies for your other sentences. The first sentence in your foreword doesn’t particularly draw my attention, but there is a sense of awareness that accompanies the sentence. The sentence that follows it is a rhyme that is constantly used in bullying and does make readers want to push ‘Next’. There are parts to it that is interesting and readers can tell what your story is going to be about, but I think that there needs to be more than just three sentences. You should have a little bit more so that readers have a grasp for the general plot. Even though you’ve made it clear that it’s bullying but bullying isn’t really the plot; it’s more of the theme in your story.

Plot and Originality: (18.5/20)

Your plot is mainly about a girl and the hurt she feels when people talk behind her back and call her nasty names a.k.a when she’s bullied. There isn’t anything major attention-grabbing about your plot, or your conflict. Considering that FFO has just started with a whole bunch of original fanfics, I think that there are a lot (and there probably will be more) about bullying. It has made the plot a little bland and recycled. I think that to make your plot more interesting you should have a twist somewhere, something that others could never imagine, happening to the main character. Your story isn’t exactly the most original, considering that most stories about bullying have the main character being bullied and then they have their happy ending (in stories/messages that try to prevent bullying, it isn’t always a happy ending but you get my point). I will make an exception for your story because I don’t think any fanfic author has ever put their own story for the world to see. Your story is an autobiography, but you could enhance the plot by adding in fictional twists and that way, it would make your story more interesting.

Characterisation: (13.5/15)

I actually don’t know a lot about your character. All I know about her is that she’s very insecure about herself and doesn’t think that she’s loved. All of these stem from her being bullied. You do make her realistic so that readers can relate to her and you do make her feel like she’s real and genuine. Her thoughts are a great way for readers to understand her and what she’s feeling. While you didn’t let her characteristics become known to readers through inferences or vague/vivid description, I think that her thoughts were a nice touch and enables readers to relate to the character at a deeper level.

Flow: (12/15)

Your story did flow. There were times when some sentences didn’t make sense due to a lack of punctuation, but that didn’t hinder your story’s flow in general. I felt that everything moved too fast of a pace. Your plot was supposed to be about a girl who is bullied before she finds her happy ending (suggested by the title), but I think that you should have elaborated more on the bullying part. It only took one chapter for you to describe a bit of what the main character has gone through and personally I don’t think that it’s sufficiently enough. If you elaborated more, then readers would rejoice at the happy ending and it would make them feel happy for the main character for all the bullying that has happened to her. If the bullying was your conflict and moving away was your resolution, then your resolution, in my opinion, came far too quickly. Pace is important in every story and for yours; your pace went really fast.

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (22.5/25)

*Note: All suggested changes are in red.*

I barely found any mistakes in this category. There was one grammar mistake that I spotted and punctuation errors. Other than that, your spelling was immaculate and perfect. I found no spelling mistakes at all. There was the grammar mistake and the punctuation mistake, though. But there was only one and these could be easily avoided by reading over what you have written.

It isn’t the kind of whisper that you think of when you first hear ‘whisper’, the oh-I-don’t-want-you-to-hear-this type of whisper.

It is necessary for the quotation marks around the word ‘whisper’, so that readers know that you’re implying when you hear the word ‘whisper’. Otherwise, readers can become very confused as to what you’re trying to say. The same goes to ‘of whisper’, readers may find it hard to understand what you’re talking about. Don’t worry too much about repetition of certain words; sometimes it can work in your favour.

Tears spring to my eight year-old self’s eyes…

The words ‘year’ and ‘old’, in this case, are adverbs and therefore need a hyphen. I don’t know why, but they just do. That’s the general rule.

In chapter one and three, there are instances where you use dashes to indicate a pause or a break in the sentence. Please, whatever you do; don’t put a double dash (--). It’s not supposed to be written like that, and one dash is enough to indicate to readers the pause in the sentence.

Vocabulary: (4.5/5)

The vocabulary you used wasn’t exactly extensive, but it suited your story and it conveyed the meaning that you wanted to your audience. I didn’t have a problem with your vocabulary, because while it was simple it gave readers a very clear image of what was happening and it also helped readers relate and understand what was happening. I did have a problem with one sentence, but that’s it.

“Kids are cruel,” they say, and they couldn’t be any closer to the truth.

Do rephrase the last bit. It’s not a phrase commonly used and I do understand what you’re trying to say but I find it a little bit weirdly phrased. You could say, ‘were right’ in place of ‘couldn’t be any closer to the truth’. That would work out just fine or you can rephrase it to your liking.

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (4/5)

I felt like your story might have worked better as a one-shot. It would have made your story a lot more emotional and if it was designed so that everything fit in as one chapter, it would evoke more emotions from readers. I do realise that your story isn’t complete, but I feel like it is already. There is a sense of finality with the way that you’ve ended your third chapter. There are hardly any flaws in your story and you should give yourself a pat on the back for doing so. What I think you honestly deserve congratulations and applause for is the fact that you had the courage to put your story online for the world to see. It takes a lot of courage and I don’t think that there is any author out there who would actually have the guts to put their personal experience of bullying online.

Total: (87/100) | Grade: B+

Note: This review is meant for constructive criticism. However if the opinion in this review has negatively affected you, your feelings or your writing style, please tell us. You deserve an apology even if it is unintentional.

Thank you for requesting from us. Remember to comment once you have seen this review. If you want to you can put this into a blog because there is no guarantee that this review will be here forever. And also remember to credit this shop in the foreword/description of your story, and then she found the light.