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○AshleyEvans306715○

by yingjumeihua
Tags   oneshot   request   shop   review   writing   midnight   | Report Content

A A A A

 New Moon 

 


Title: Life with Kim Jaejoong

Author: AshleyEvans306715 | Asianfanfics
Chapters: Fifteen
Status: Completed
Reviewer: byzelo
 

Title: (3/5)

More like, Life With DB5K. I know your main focus is on Jaejoong but the other members are involved as well. It's not really eye-catching... but it kind of suits the story. Judging on the title, I wouldn't... click on this. Maybe the main reason is because I'm not really a TVXQ fan, so I don't read TVXQ fics. I'm so glad you made this request though, gave me a chance to read a nice and cute fic about TVXQ and it's my first read about them!

Foreword/Description: (10/10)
Foreword - Very neatly done! A lot of stories I've read did the same way like you did, putting up photos after each name mentioned but it ended up messy and disorganized. Yours looked really good! I like how you put up the facts (and they're all real facts too!) beforehand, telling us what the content is about and what we should expect!
Description - Simple and neat too! It's a nice idea to put up the main quotes or sayings without exposing who said them.

Plot and Originality: (18/20)
The plots are really interesting. I love the way you make fics out of the facts! I don't really find a lot of the stories cliché, they're quite original! As I mentioned, this is my first DB5K fic so I'm glad it's a good one! I was really excited to read the next chaps! One thing I'll remember about this fic is that you made fics out of facts, yeah. I've not seen anyone do that yet.

Characterisation: (15/15)
Well, since the chaps're based on facts, the characters' personalities sound pretty much the same as those we see on shows. So, there's not much to reveal nor draw conclusions to. Correct me if I'm wrong about their real personalities on screen though.

Flow: (12/15)
It was a bit too fast, they're getting married in just fifteen chaps? And to add to that, each chaps are quite short as well.

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (21/25)
There's none visible spelling mistakes or grammar, not that I see any. But I did get a little distracted at the parts where after the characters speak, you were supposed to write, for example, "I love you," I screamed. instead of just "I love you" I screamed. There's some difference, for me, it seems more proper to put a comma there after the sentence and before the closing.

Vocabulary: (3/5)
The words used were quite basic but very relate-able. I understood the flow of the story well. It'll be better if you reduce the use of korean words in roman like, babo, yah, (name)-ah and etc. Words like oppa and hyungs are more acceptable though because Miyoung used oppa as if showing she respect them as her older brothers/friends and Changmin using hyungs because of the same reason too.

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (4/5)
You listing out the facts earned you some extra points, I really like it. I really, really enjoyed reading the story. I don't mind coming back to read it again, in the future. Good job done!
 
 
Total: (86/100) | Grade: B+
Note: This review is meant for constructive criticism. However if the opinion in this review has negatively affected you, your feelings or your writing style, please tell us. You deserve an apology even if it is unintentional.

Thank you for requesting from us. Remember to comment once you have seen this review. If you want to you can put this into a blog because there is no guarantee that this review will be here forever. And also remember to credit this shop in the foreword/description of your story, Life with Kim Jaejoong.

 

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Comments

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simulacrum  on says about chapter 29:
Thank your for the review! And it's alright if it's late... I'm in no rush plus I understand that you have a life behind your computer! ^O^ I'm glad that I improved (even by a little bit) but there's still room for more and I'll try to strive perfection next time (not like I've been already trying to... but you get what I mean XD)! >:D And for the biological matter, you're right about how she learned that from her studies... I've seen a lot of kids around her age (rl) who knew big words like those (they're the studious kind) so I used that inference in my story! ^-^;;

--SandremSHADE__  on says about chapter 27:
Today i got the oneshot and it is splendid! Thanks a lot for the oneshot and I absolutly love it. No need for sorry, it got mended. And the story was awesome. Thanks once again^^

simulacrum  on says about chapter 26:
I requested again! I wanted to see how much I improved my story for Warmth~ kekeke I have my fingers crossed XD

--SandremSHADE__  on says:
I requested once again. Plz do the fic as quickiy as possible. Thnx.

IFeelGood  on says about chapter 16:
may i ask, how long does it take to write a chapter for this 'story'? you write really long and helpful chapters

--SandremSHADE__  on says about chapter 25:
Can u plz do my story a little quickly? I kno tht u hav a lyf outside this site n stuff but i can't wait 4 long! Hope u kindly get my words. I'll b waiting 4 my story. Thnx.

daeguknamahForever  on says about chapter 2:
I requested.

simulacrum  on says about chapter 25:
Thank you for the review! I really appreciate it :) When I saw those errors it made me really think: "I reviewed it so much, how can this happen?!" well, maybe I wasn't careful enough OTL I'll fix my story, and maybe then I'll actually bring you tears ;D lol I wish.

applecyanide  on says about chapter 2:
Hello, hello, hello. I requested for a review. Just as a warning, since this story was meant as a fanfiction for a specific fandom, it might be confusing for some readers who have never heard of the story (Naruto). So, I would prefer if the reviewer (whoever it is) to at least be somewhat acquainted with it. Then again, he/she doesn't have to be. You can always ask me questions if you need any clarifications, and there's always the Naruto wiki page. I just hope that because the story may be lacking a few background info (cause fans usually hate reading that when they already know /everything/), you guys won't deduct points or anything. I'm just looking for a critical review of my writing, nothing else. Okay, that was kinda long. Sorry! And thank you!

-serendipitous-  on says about chapter 2:
I've applied as a reviewer.

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