○nightlife5690○

 

Title: (4/5)
The title was pretty suitable for the story because the words 'hope' and 'dream' was mentioned again and again in the story. It such doesn't look like an eye-catching title at first sight but if I were to browse through the tags, I think I would click on this story. When I first saw the title, I started seeing positive rainbows filled-with-unicorns images in my head - simply because 'hope' and 'dream' are supposed to be positive words.

Foreword/Description: (6/10)
Oh. Wait, wait. It sounds kind of confusing though. As I keep re-reading it, I gradually started to understand what it actually meant. Because it sounded confusing, it may make readers have this urge to close the tab immediately. Maybe if you tried tweaking the first sentence a little; it would've been less confusing.

Plot and Originality: (14/20)
Interesting plot and everything but as you said in the foreword, it is cliché. Not much originality is seen. I don't really feel excited reading it but I do have to admit I especially love the empty house part. And ooh, the way you described the sky and the land. I don't know, the way you express them just gave me images in my head. And yes, I do like seeing what I just imagine.

Characterisation: (15/15)
Hmm, this girl must have been one positive kid. Wanting to fulfil anything she hoped/dreamed about. The story focused on the girl's positive thinking; daring to hope/dream, so not much of her personality is mentioned.

Flow: (11/15)
This was too fast. One moment; she wanted to fulfil anything she hoped/dreamed about. The other; she's dying. However, you did mention that you can write things that are over 500 words easily, so I can't really blame you on that. But, you need to work on that writing skills of yours so you can try explaining more of her current situation, what she did (of what she hoped/dreamed of, as you mentioned), and what she does to be able to live longer than the others. Is the world really that deadly? Does she not eat or drink at all - how did she survive that long? How did she find the house? How was the house empty? Is there only a chair, with no other furniture or refreshment? Also, the words 'hope' and 'dream' were over-used. I keep seeing those words and it kind of getting really... annoying?

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (20/25)
There were very few grammar mistakes:
1. ...she had hoped that she wouldn't end up like the bodies around her.
2. You don't have write "Time, date, and place." since you'll be writing basically about the same thing in the next sentence, just with short explanation.
There wasn't really any spelling mistakes and that's the reason why you get 20 points for this category. (Yay!)
Punctuation:
1. Dead and decayed, unable to hope or dream anymore.
2. "This planet, scientifically known as the Earth, was once bustling with life, is now nearly dead, nearly empty and it seemed as if there's really nothing existing on it anymore." You can use this sentence, if you want to. Don't use it because I said so.
There were some other grammar/punctuation mistakes so I suggest you go and  proof-reading your story once more.

Vocabulary: (3/5)
Most of the words you used were simple words so... yeah. Try using a wider range of deeper words. You'll be able to deliver the story better and let the readers understand whatever you're trying to say/explain.

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (5/5)
At one glance, this wouldn't be a special story or anything like that but I've got to admit I enjoyed reading this story, in a way, at some parts. One of the most memorable parts is when you tried explaining how the sky/land looks like. And yes, I might come back to read this again.

 

Total: (78/100) | Grade: B

 

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