○misslavender01○

Title: (3/5)

The title very easily attracts attention from readers and if I was looking for something interesting to read, I would click on it. It makes readers want to click on your title and find out what your story is all about. In terms of its relevancy to the story, it was relevant but only towards the end of the story when the Queen started making poisoned apples. For the beginning of your story when the Queen was feeling sad and anguished, there was nothing about poisoned apples there and I felt a better theme which occurred throughout the whole story would have been a better title to choose.

Foreword/Description: (6/10)

In your foreword/description where you described your story with one word; the concept and the idea is very cool. However, you are first describing the queen and suddenly, you start talking about Snow White and with them both put that way, it doesn’t flow very nicely. And where it says ‘Poisoned Apples…’ I felt should have been there at the time because it is after all the title of your story. Nevertheless, it is still interesting and it does grab readers’ attentions however I find that it doesn’t really flow smoothly and it is a touch choppy which can decrease readers’ interests in your story.

Plot and Originality: (20/20)

The plot is somewhat taken from the original tale of Snow White with characters such as Snow White and the Queen who is the main character. However, there are a lot of plot twists to the original tale which makes the story very different. There is no Prince Charming; there is only the King who is incredibly old. And for once, the Queen is not evil but Snow White is (but I think the real villain is the King). It has a lot of originality and there are a lot of things that you changed from the original tale. It is very interesting and it is something unseen. And for that I give you full marks!

Characterisation: (7/15)

There were three main characters in your story and since the Queen is the main character, you put more effort into your main character and tried to make your readers feel what the Queen was feeling by telling the readers how she was feeling. For more emphasis on emotions to really hit home, it would be better if you had used the ‘Show, don’t tell’ method. If you describe the emotions to readers and what the Queen was doing; weeping, crying and waiting in detail, then I think readers would be able to relate to her better.

The one I really hated was the King because he left his wife for someone who was younger. And even though in the Queen’s perspective, Snow White was the evil one, I couldn’t find it in me to name her as the villain because in my opinion, the true villain was the King. (And after everything he did to her, the pain he put her through, he didn’t even recognise her.)

Flow: (8/15)

Your flow for the story was not bad, nor did it really stand out. You didn’t move pace the story incredibly fast, nor incredibly slow. However I felt that if you described the waiting period, the agonizing feeling of waiting (for the Queen more) it would seem more realistic for three years to pass by. It passed away too fast in my opinion.

In terms of anything hindering the flow of your story, I felt like the major factor was the characterisation, as stated above, and I also think it is partially due to your punctuation because as soon as I saw what you had done; I cringed. This will be explained in the next section.

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (12/25)

*Note: suggested changes are in red.*

There were a few errors in your story in this particular category, especially with grammar and punctuation. Spelling was actually impeccable because as far as I could see, there were no spelling mistakes.

There were a few mistakes with grammar in your story. First of all, there was the issue with tenses. There was the occasional switching between past tense and present tense which sort of stopped the story from flowing.

Months, years… the Queen waited for her King’s return. But no one ever showed up in front of the doorstep, ringing the bell, claiming himself to be the most-awaited King.

There was also the problem with superlatives. Superlatives are supposed to describe the degree of an adjective and it is the highest degree.

The Queen loved her King, the kindest, sweetest, and a good-looking man in her eyes.

If someone is the kindest and sweetest, there is no need for ‘most’ to be there at the beginning.

Sentences/phrases didn’t make sense and I think it is entirely because English is not your first language. 

The Queen’s heart was shattered into pieces like glass, broken and could not be mended. It used to be owned by the King who no longer came home to his Queen.

While Snow White’s heart was still young, fresh and kind, it didn’t have the same experience as her old neighbour; no broken, shattered feelings.

Moving onto punctuation, you made a huge mistake. You had almost literally no spaces. You did, in between words but whenever you put a punctuation sign like a full stop, a comma or an ellipsis (…) there were no spaces. There needs to be a space after the full stop, the comma and every punctuation mark before the next word starts. You did between every word but you just stopped when it came to a punctuation mark which really made me frown.

There were a few other minor mistakes; however they did not bother me as much as the ones mentioned above.

Vocabulary: (4/5)

There wasn’t anything that stood out about your vocabulary. In fact, most of the times you used the right words that I think you meant for the readers to feel the emotions you wanted them to feel. There wasn’t anything bad about it, just thinking about it I didn’t remember a powerful line or a memorable sentence. As a whole, the vocabulary was good.

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (3.5/5)

The story was overall okay because the plot was a huge bonus and it was great but the story was considerably held down by the punctuation and the characterisation. However, I still enjoyed it and I still somewhat liked it. I was somewhat expecting Snow White to die because in the story, that was the way I thought it was going to. Until, of course, that didn’t happen.

A flaw that I also saw was that the Queen was ignorant to the outside world which is impossible because she is supposed to be a Queen. But then I realised that you kept mentioning that the King wasn’t actually the King. He was just her King or Snow White’s King which means he wasn’t actually a King and I doubt she was actually a Queen as well: a very subtle way to put it.

Total: (63.5 /100) | Grade: C

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