○ChaoticSerenity○

Title: (4/5)

If I was browsing through a list of fanfics on FFO or even AFF, I would click on your story. Your title definitely does draw me in and I think that you have done a great job in regards to choosing an interesting title. At the beginning your title does match your story but in a way I think that technically it isn’t the end of innocence for Ryoichi or any of the other main characters because they’ve all been experienced these things before. Towards the end of your story, your title seemed a little bit mismatched. It didn’t quite work towards the end. However, it still is a good choice for a title and for the majority of it, it matches your story.

Foreword/Description: (8/10)

Your foreword is definitely interesting but it would irk some readers out. We can see a little bit of what the characters are like in your description. Some readers don’t really like anything that is excessively dark-themed but for those that do like stories with a dark twist to it, you have captured the reader’s attentions. It was nice to put the warning there, for readers’ cautions.

Plot and Originality: (8/20)

There have been many instances on either fanfictions and especially in animes and mangas I believe, that the antagonist tries to break the protagonist by raping him and continually abusing him. It’s very commonly seen. The antagonist doing these things for fun because he’s a little twisted, that’s also a little bit common as well. The things that happen next aren’t exactly big surprises because countless fanfictions do have them there. Throw in a surprise twist of video-tapping the raping and posting it online is everywhere in fanfictions with dark themes like this one. It’s a little bit recycled.

Characterisation: (9/15)

While you do have characterisation, you could have done more by adding in little things to help your characterisation and ultimately, your plot. First of all, you could focus more on Ryoichi’s thoughts after he first met Izaya. I do believe that they have not met before and realistically, people don’t remember someone who they just met when they have other things on their minds as well. You could make Ryoichi remember him more by making something about Izaya, appearance-wise, stand out. Take for example; crimson eyes. Not everyone has eyes that colour. Also, Ryoichi has only been warned only once about Izaya and yet, he already knows that he is a man capable of doing horrible things. Ryoichi would probably take the advice to heart but wouldn’t think about that much, considering that they’ve only met once. You could have expanded more on Ryoichi’s character by describing how scared he was when he heard footsteps or when he heard Izaya say he would come again. You could go into more depth into the emotions of hurt and humiliation that Ryoichi experiences, as the result of what Izaya was done. Another thing is that while the characters are thinking something, what could they be subconsciously doing when they think about whatever they are thinking? For example, Izaya thinks that he will break Ryoichi but he could subconsciously grin wickedly as he thinks this. What the characters think and how they act, show readers another side to their personality. What I had expected to happen but didn’t was for you to focus a bit on Izaya as well. He is the antagonist and readers would wonder as to how he got so twisted and when he started to think that doing these types of things is okay and fun. While you do have a little bit of a character focus on Izaya at the beginning, readers might want to know more about how he became this way. An explainable reason would be that either he has experienced something like this before, which is very unlikely, or he has seen something like this happen. Just a couple of things to think about; but don’t go changing your story with everything that I put above. It is your story and you can decide how you want to write it.

Flow: (9/15)

Personally, I thought that your story moved at a fast pace. You could slow it down a little bit by going into more detail about certain things – the characters, in particular. Not only should you go into detail about Ryoichi and Izaya, you could go into more detail about Shizuo as well. Because most of your story was very character-centred and everything that happened was because of a character’s doing and so on, that would be the main area that you could go into detail with.

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (15/25)

*Note: The suggested changes are in red.*

I spotted quite a few mistakes that I discovered in every category. Because I don’t want to seem harsh and point out every mistake, I’m only focusing on the first chapter. Let’s start with Grammar. Sometimes with your story, you need to add in extra words so that the sentences make more sense. I don’t think that there are any of these in the first chapter but there are a few instances in the other chapters so just look out for that. Also, try to pick one tense and stick with that one all the way through. The easiest tense is stay in is past tense but you can do present tense; it’s entirely up to you. No matter what tense you use, you just need to remember to remain consistent and use the same one. In the first few sentences of your story where it says:

Ah humans. They were such fascinating creatures to Izaya Orihara. He loved how easy they were to fool, to manipulate, to shatter... to break. To him, they were nothing but mere playthings. He was always amazed at how they could break so easily at the littlest thing. The young informant broker hummed a little tune as he sat atop a roof building, looking down at the city of Ikebukuro.

There is a little bit of a change in tense there. So just be cautious of what tense you present your story in. Another thing is that there are some sentences in your story that are really long. Your sentences do not need to be so long. Sometimes keeping the sentence short and simple conveys the meaning you’re trying to get the reader just fine. Readers might find it hard to understand a sentence if there isn’t a pause there. Alternatively, you don’t need to put in a full stop; putting in a comma does the trick. For example:

He already messed around with Shizuo Heiwajima. Oh how he enjoyed seeing the dyed blond-haired male getting annoyed or angry with him. He let out a small chuckle as he remembered the last fight he had with the former bartender.

Sometimes you have short phrases as a sentence, or even a word. A sentence in its simplest form must include a noun and a verb in order to make sense. There are many times when you put the word ‘there’ by itself. That isn’t necessary because it can be included in the previous sentence. If you really wanted to emphasise that word then you could always put it in Italics or make it bold.

Moving onto spelling; there weren’t many mistakes here. There were none in the first chapter; however in some of your other chapters, you used the incorrect homonyms. Homonyms are words that sound the same but have different meanings and are spelt differently. I do believe that it is ‘forwards’ not ‘forewords’ and it is ‘too’ not ‘to’. You also sometimes have words stuck together when they are not spelt like that at all. An example would be ‘incase’, supposed to be ‘in case’. I recommend that you do a spellcheck on all chapters and correct any spelling mistakes that appear.

Finally, here comes punctuation. First off, there were times when you misused apostrophes. There are two different reasons as to why you would use apostrophes: one, to show a contraction or two, to show ownership. When it comes to contractions you don’t mess this one up. There are a few instances in your story where you say ‘were’ when I think it is supposed to be ‘we’re’. However, you need to remember that if the object is a plural then the apostrophe goes after the ‘s’. Also if you have referred to the object in your story as ‘it’, which you do often, no apostrophes are needed. It is simply ‘its’. The next one is linked with your sentence structure. Short and sweet does the trick and long sentences are unnecessary. Sometimes you need to add in a full stop or a comma. This would be one example:

Some kids at his old high school used to beat him up on regular basis, calling him horrid and fowl names. He shuddered inwardly as he bit his lip; remembering one event that he could never, ever forget no matter how hard he tried.

What I also found is that sometimes you put too many quotations in your story when they are not needed. Sometimes you don’t have one where there needs to be, so read through your story and see if a quotation is needed or not. You also overuse ellipsis. Ellipsis is these: … There are heaps in your story when they aren’t needed. There are some places where they are needed and I understand that you need a pause for emphasis, but you could always replace them with a full stop. Lastly, keep in mind that capitalising something is only necessary when it is the beginning of a sentence or if it is for a proper noun (e.g. name of a place, person or event). You tend to capitalise the next letter after a colon. That is not needed. Colons are not full stops; they only let the reader take a break from the sentence. For example:

"Oh no: it's already seven thirty pm…”

There are other ones in your story so just be cautious of that.

Vocabulary: (3.5/5)

You use very simple words in your vocabulary that every reader from whatever English background can understand. Sometimes this conveys your meaning to the readers really well and your choice of words are perfect. Sometimes using simple words doesn’t work in your favour. When you are giving an action of Ryoichi, then you are in a way also describing his character. It is important to note that it’s better to use more sophisticated words and think whether the reader understands the character like you want them to. If not, then reread your story and replace some verbs and adverbs for other ones that could describe the character better.

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (3.5/5)

First of all, I have never been a fan of yaoi especially when it comes to raping and sexual abuse. Normally I’m okay with it but that’s only if it’s a romance/angst story. I’ll be honest; I was really uncomfortable reading this story but I managed to get through and I think that despite its disturbing theme for most readers, it is generally a good story. Don’t worry; my uncomfortableness didn’t affect your score.

Total: (60/100) | Grade: C

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